I can't make friends - left out of the group

[princessx]

I'm on mat leave with dc2 in a new area and I'm having a terrible time making any friends.
I did nct, but our group didn't show any inclination to meet up. I've arranged 2 meet ups since which have been fine, but my last email was more or less ignored so I've given up on that.
I went to a new mums group and everyone was really open and friendly. We'd all come along because we wanted to make new friends in the area. But next time I saw some of the girls 2 groups had formed and I got the feeling I wasn't included in either of them.

I know the feeling all too well and it's awful. I started a new job last year, and I was in a job with around 10 girls my age. They all made friends and went for lunch everyday and I was totally excluded from the group. My boss couldn't understand it as they are all genuinely nice girls. And I'm friendly and outgoing and pretty (if I saw so myself!) my boss kept urging me to go to lunch with them, as she thought it must be me being ride not them. I forced myself to gatecrash once or twice, and I always went on birthday or leaving lunches, basically every single time I was invited I went. But I wasn't in the gang and it was a struggle to get anyone to talk to me. I can't blame the girls as the team changed and people left and people joined, but there was a central for e which meant I was out the gang.

I eventually made
individual friends in different departments etc. but the thing is this happened in my previous job too.

And now I'm on mat leave it seems the same again with new groups I join.

I don't get it, I'm desperate to make friends, individual people I meet I get on with and can make friends with. There is just something about a group that always seems to kick me out.

I sort of get this and sort of don't. I have never 'enjoyed' groups because of this kind of behaviour (even at school I kept clear of cliques) however, I have learnt that making individual friends is much better and as a result I'm often friends with all members of the group but not 'the group'. Does that make sense?

I would say Mum's are difficult to make friends with in some ways as with the best intention, your child comes over and you have to go or you just run out of time and forget to contact someone remembers I was meant to contact another Mum two weeks ago it isn't easy but I think if you work on individuals rather than groups it might help. Why don't you make friends with a Mum who has children the same age, encourage them to play then invite them for a play date or lunch after an activity you've been to?

Good luck, we move in the summer (having spent my whole life in the same area) and this what most worries me.

I agree, it's very difficult to make friends with a 'group' of different people all at once. Make friends with people on an individual basis first, then they will feel valued as friends, not just acquaintances who are part of a wider group.

Thanks for your posts you are right, I will take it more slowly and try to make individual friends. I just spent this morning gatecrashing coffee with some mums and came away feeling really low. The sad bit is I get on really well with 2 of them in an individual basis, but because I'm not popular for some reason they didn't really want to talk to me today.

I'm posting because when it happens once its easy to say not to worry about them, I'll make friends elsewhere. It's because it just happened at work and its happening again now.

Doesn't help that I've got my mum phoning me each day to ask if I've made any friends yet.

I can empathise.

All my friends are either from work- pre and post children- or a neighbour or two.

I didn't find anyone I gelled with at mums' groups mainly because at the time I thought iwas too old- I had my DCs in my 30s and all the local mums seemed younger.

Maybe you need to make friends away from the parenting scene, doing things you like- tennis, running clubs, whatever?

When you say you 'gatescrashed' what do you mean? Do you mean you heard about the meeting and invited yourelf along- or turned up uninvited? I f so, that would annoy me if I was arranging it . It looks rude and pushy.

Do you think you are giving off an air of desperation- which many people find off putting?

Why dont you look on the netmums meet a mum board to see if you can hook up with some mums individually?

Ahem, what has being pretty even if I do say so myself got to do with any of this?

Are you inferring that other women are jealous of you, or that they might perceive you as vain and given your user name, a bit princessy?

I think it is the 'air of desperation' which is the problem - also if you are v self conscious you will be anxious about the image you present and this makes you harder to relax with.

Ime if you go along with a 'need new friend' agenda it scares people off - if you go along with 'I have a busy exciting life and I am managing to fit in this coffee meetup/ play date/ walk in the park' you will appear an interesting fun person that people will want to know. So try to make your life a bit more filled so you have something to talk about and contribute when you meet people.

If you have been to a new restaurant / joined a new class at the gym/ bought a bargain at some shop you will have something to tell people which they will be interested in.

Thanks for your posts bossyoldersister what happened with the gatecrashing is that at the baby group last week we all went for coffee afterwards, we had a good chat and it was good. At the group this week some of the mums were discussing where to go for coffee today. I didn't know what to do, I thought if I just packed my bag and rushed off I would be deliberately excluding myself. So when we all stood up and were ready I said to the mum I knew best 'are you going for coffee?' She said 'yes, do you want to come'.

So I forced myself a bit on them, but as there are only 6 in the group and we all went last week for coffee I thought it would be ok.

With regard to calling myself pretty! I just meant from the outside I look normal, it's not that I look like a freak that I'm not included.

I'll just continue bumbling along and see what happens.

I don't think that bumbling is the answer- more of the same behaviour will get you the same results.

You need to ditch the needy air- it will show and put people off.
I wound't say your coffee today sounded like gatecrashing- unless they were all talking together and you were outside the conversation then picked up on it? If you hadn't asked would any of them have asked you to go too?

I don't like groups really- what I have found is that people end up pairing off or forming sub-groups.

You might find this too.

But I still think you should try to make friends with people who aren't just new mums. Do you have any hobbies you can follow through and meet people that way?

awww OP

its shitty, but I think you need to slooow down and relax

I felt like this on mat leave 1 and I do empathise

some good advice, and dont let this spoil your time off x

my DP is a sahd and he he NO mates, people he chats with but he is a happy cancerian crab type

Agree that you should broaden your circle to include women generally and not activities that are purely child-focused. If you joined a hobby club or a class then you'd have a shared passion or interest and friendship might evolve naturally.

I think it might be a bit of neediness. Not that I am saying that you're coming across as obviously needy or anything like that! But I used to be very much like you, and sometimes I still am- but if I look back I kind of presumed always that I wouldn't be invited, that people were 'cooler' than me and that I wasn't going to be 'in' and as such I always waited for invitations or if I organised things I presumed that people wouldn't come. This probably wasn't obvious, but I think even subconsciously it rubs off. Anyway, I went on holiday with a group of people that I didn't really think I was part of- Ii was friends with one individually but I assumed I wasn't part of the group, and we were walking along when one of them said 'you're so funny, you always make me laugh' and they all agreed- and I was so shocked that anyone had actually noticed me enough to find me funny! After that I must have had a bit more confidence in myself and I kind of assume now that people will like me- not in a weird up myself kind of way- but why shouldn't they like me? I like most people!

So after that paragraph of pointless rambling my point is sort of- just stop thinking too much. Keep at it and you'll get there. They obviously do like you or you wouldn't have been invited to coffee if you see what I mean. And that wasn't gatecrashing, it's fine!

I'm not a mum myself but have just moved to a new area and am in the process of trying to make some new friends, partly so I have some local friends but also because I feel I am drifting apart from some of my older friends and have realised I need some new ones, to put it bluntly.

I too have also struggled to make friends in the past, although like you I don't think there is anything 'wrong' with me. I think I am just too self-concious and also I tend to assume that people don't like me rather than assuming that they do like me, IYKWIM. In the past I would never invite someone out for a drink with me, as I would assume they would not want to spend time with me or would have better things to do. I am now trying to think more positively.

So since I moved to my new area I have re-discovered an old sporting hobby and met lots of people that way. It was hard at first as I would turn up to practice and didn't know anyone, but now I have met a few people and as well as seeing the other girls at practice they have invited me out for a drink and to a party as well. So I definitely think interests are a good way to meet people.

Also I'm not a friend snob, and I'm happy to befriend anyone from old ladies to younger people, whereas I think before I didn't really look beyound my own age group. Now I have become quite friendly with a lady who is 10 years older than me, and also her daughter who is 14 years younger than me.

Good luck

I totally sympathise with you. Mums can be very cliquey but this is often because they want the security net of a group. I loved my NCT group and we met up but did our own things too. Always think its odd when you get a whole NCT group all going together to a music class or something! Definitely easier to chat to individuals rather than groupd at playgroups and don't panic if it doesn't lead to a number exchange or coffee date. Just go along to the same class/group for a few weeks and see what develops. I moved when my dd was 6 months and it's hard to fit into established groups. However you do find that once people start going back to work everything changes anyway and you will only have time to see those who actually made a connection with.

Thanks for your posts. I can't do any hobbies at the moment as ds is only 8 wks, but I take your point about not seeing mums as the be all and end all. There is a mum group on tomorrow which is quite far away, I'm not sure whether I should go to it or just tidy up the house instead.

I'm not too worried about making friends as I'll be back at work soon anyway, it was more just to have something to do in my time off. Also I'm floundering in my relationship with dh and my parents, so I just feel a bit lost generally. At least I've got my lovely little DCs though.

I really do know where you are coming from. When you're home a lot but your partner is out at work you want a bit of a life for yourself too, making new friends and going out etc. otherwise he has a life out of the home and you don't. How about taking your ones on a little trip which you will enjoy and also give you something to talk about to your partner but also people you meet. Then you can say, oh have you been, it's really good etc. I don't know where you live, but something like a city farm, or a national trust place with a play area etc.