don't know if i want to be married anymore

[44mumoftwo]

Hi, I have been married 19 years, together for 22 with two older teenage children. Our marriage has not been brilliant for 10 years, he is a career man and I stopped work to be with the kids. He has worked long hours, worked away and is quite stressed a lot of the time. He lived with another woman for 3 months unbeknown to me 8 years ago and finally opened up and we worked through it. I don't think I harbour feelings about this to be honest. As the kids are increasingly away from the home I find which I don't resent at all btw. Hubby is working from home 1 day a week regularly atm, I feel that I don't actually like him being around here and that I don't have much incommon with him anymore. He likes very booring manly things and I am a bubbly person, like being surrounded by friends and enjoying myself. I work hard, we have lots of animals and rural ish residence so love the countryside, but he never walks the dogs with me. The only things we do together are repair jobs,shopping, the odd day out as a family, some holidays, some going out to watch kids perform etc. He has such long hours that friends seem to fade away, he doesn't even keep in contact with his family (his parents are deceased). Sex is obviously not very frequent, very boring mostly and I can do without tbh. I am a very positive person and am trying to work out what is going on here. I am not depressed or moody, don't have financial worries, not afraid to live on my own. Aware that may have started menopause but don't have raging hormones either. I keep myself trim and tidy, he seems to be letting it all go, always scruffy, never makes the effort to look nice although he has lovely clothes. I cannot see myself being at home when the kids are at uni as we wouldn't know what to do just the two of us, fills me with fear tbh. I am kind and caring and could say lots of nasty things about him, but coose not to. I tell the kids to be understanding when he is grumpy as he is stressed over work, he could step down and take a lower paid job with less stress but chooses not to. He is on his laptop/blackberry 24/7, snores like a pig some nights, drinks too much sometimes, likes to watch crap on telly, eat tea on his lap and fall asleep on sofa. He never likes me to be out when he comes home so it makes life hard to see friends now that kids are older and so the story goes on. Things have come to a head this weekend with a disagreement about the kids and he got really angry and verbally mean. I understand you say things, but I wasn't loud or angry or nasty just said I felt like we didn't have anything in common anymore and I felt like I was being smothered and it was hard to breathe being with him. The sh*t certainly flew, by sunday afternoon he said he just wanted to be more loving towards each other etc and we resumed being friends so to speak. This morning, he was starting late, the kids went to college etc and he asked if I fancied some "hanky panky", which is the last thing I wanted and now he has got the hump with me again. Luckily he isn't home tonight so I have a break. I did say yesterday I wanted to take some time to work out if it was just me being awkaward and unfair or if i just need to get out of this marriage. He dissed my need to work this way, didn't believe in writing things down etc and working through it with help etc. I feel cold towards him, not angry or upset, just nothing. For 10 years the cycles keep coming round and it sorts itself out (sort of) for a few months then it all starts coming up again. I have tried to get us out mixing and socailising more so it means evenings out are pleasant etc but he often keeps himself to himself then.
Do I sound llike a really spoilt brat? I am uncomfortable with all of this as I like to be the calm peaceful person in the house but I don't know if I can do this anymore. Sorry to ramble on but its been a long marriage, it would be easier if he was having the affair now to make the break instead of me being the bad guy. Thanks for reading this, feels good to have told someone btw

No you do not sound like a spoilt brat at all, instead someone who has been systematically worn down by a man who is really not worthy to clean her shoes.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why have you stayed to date, for your children mainly?. It cannot be for you.

All this man has done is drag you and by turn the children down with him. How do they feel about their Dad now - and you for that matter?. They probably wonder why you're still together, they're not stupid and probably know and have seen far more than you would want to realise.

One day the children will leave home for good, what then for you and your H?.

From what you write of him he has no redeeming features whatsoever. You need to ask yourself some very thorny questions; one of them being why did you allow him back in all those years ago after he went off and lived with another woman for 3 months?. He has and continues to disregard all the vows he made, he likely thinks that promises are meant to be after all broken.

Do you work?

"Do I sound llike a really spoilt brat?"

I think the pair of you just sound miserable tbh. The main sentiments I'm getting are that you're both past caring about each other, going through the motions, living alongside each other rather than together, and that this often tips over into bitterness and tetchiness for a while until things calm down and the cycle repeats itself. The fact that the 3-month affair doesn't seem to have made a difference suggests it was dead anyway.

I don't really see the point of carrying on in this Dance Macabre...

Thanks for the replies. I can say that the affair knocked me sideways back then, but it was a long time ago. I gave up work, started again when they were at school but it clashed with his holiday entitlements and the school hols so I gave up again which was quite hard really. As we are quite rural and have land we have a lot of animals, topped up by running around after kids, it takes up my day in a flash. I am not bored at home, lots to do, I see people around me and can chat as much as I feel when I am outside. Also have girlie friends that work part time or temp jobs to catch up with. Our friends as a couple and village friends are the ones that we have lost touch with. Its more obvious to me and the kids that I have a split personality these days, cheery out but quieter at home. Yes your right, the kids have noticed that their dad is moody and stressy. My dad had a big temper so I learnt not to push things and keep safe and its what I do at home. Just recently he is getting less patient with all of us and they are loosing respect of him. I told him this yesterday, as I know he is a good man, got his priorities totally wrong! I don't want the kids to think of their dad as a pr*ck which they call him now. I have a friend who is a development coach who is doing some work with them, so that they are able to cope with stress etc. I figured that they might be like their dad in more ways than one and if they learnt some basics it would put them in a great position for what ever happens in the future. My son is at the age he could easily step up and challenge his dad. On Sunday he hovered around me to make sure I was ok bless him. Hubby accused me of turning the kids against him, but he has done that all by himself. He is trying to provide them with great financial security, he has forgotten the basics unfortunately, they are like me and not money minded. He has rejected my olive branch of couples therapy of some sort. If it were not for the person deep down inside of him, I would have left a long time ago. I just have got to that stage I really haven't got it in me to keep going along with the pretence of my life as it is. I would love to move forward, get things sorted properly with him, but you can't make a horse drink at that water trough.

You sound like you should not settle for the rest of your life to be like this

You have a lot to give, to friends, to family and to another relationship

Don't throw it away on this boring and inadequate man.

If it were not for the person deep down inside of him, I would have left a long time ago

What person would that be? The person he is or the person that exists only in your deluded fond imaginings?

I suppose all couples have their ups and downs over the year. As you mentioned, they're like cycles and a lot of the time you can see them coming.

You probably know what I'm going to say, basically, that you have two options:

1. Stay with him but not expecting a lot of change from him. Just coming to a level of acceptance within yourself and your marital life that that's the way it is. You can try to find fulfillment outside the marriage: friends, activities, your kids but always with your head in the ground that your husband will probably not be a source of happiness in your life. Maybe he'll surprise you but better to keep your hopes low.

1. You can separate if that's financially possible, and lead a life away from the stress and conflict he is causing you. If you're not that bothered about material comfort, you can get a small flat, decorate it the way you like it with very little. Get your books, your films, your friends around. Work and have your life the way you want it, without having to settle for less than you deserve. It will be more lonely in some ways but more liberating in others. You have the advantage that your children are older so the separation will not affect as much as when they were little.

Whatever you chose, good luck. I hope it all works out for you. You sound like a very nice person.

Sorry, it should read "over the years" not "year"