WWYD re. the logistics of separation / telling children?

[NameChangerExtraordinaire]

Hello, I am a regular and have nced as this might out me IRL.

H and I are separating - he wants to go, I have accepted this, and I know there's no way of him changing his mind. He has been living sometimes here at the family home, and sometimes with a family member over the last few months. Somehow, we've managed to keep this from the dc, who are 8 and 11.

H wants to leave properly the second week of the Easter holidays. The dc and I are going on holiday with some friends just after Easter Sunday for a week, and h wants to tell the dc after we get back from our holiday.

But in the meantime, he is not coping very well with being in the family home and keeping up appearances so that the dc don't realise anything is wrong. H & I are not arguing at all, we're being faultlessly polite to each other, we're still sleeping in the same bed, still eating together. In his heart he's left already though. He said yesterday that he isn't coping and might need to leave sooner. He is planning to spend some nights round at the family member's house this week to get 'a break' as he put it from being here.

I don't know if waiting until after our holiday is a good idea - if nothing else, it'll put a huge shadow over the holiday for me. I'm wondering about telling him that I want to tell the dc earlier, and get on with things from there. I work odd hours so I need to plan the logistics of my life quite carefully before h goes, and I had been thinking that I'd use the time until after the holiday to plan everything out and make sure that I am as well set up for the future as possible. Now I'm starting to think that I could still do that, pretty well, quicker, so from my own POV it's not necessary for him to stay.

So WWYD? And what advice would you give re. how to tell the dc that Dad's moving out?

I think there's no point prolonguing the inevitable. Children are not daft and they'll probably have sussed something is up already. Left in the dark and they can imagine all kinds of fantastic things behind unusual adult behaviour. Given honest information and they will often rise to the occasion. You know your children better than anyone so you'll know how to phrase it. I'd suggest that, as long as you can demonstrate that their lives will not change negatively, that the split is not of their making and that they are & will continue to be the most important people in your and STBXH's lives... that's about as good as it gets.

I don't think waiting until after the holiday is a good idea; it'll cast a huge shadow for you and could be a source of resentment in them once they realise it was a sham covering the truth of the separation.

It would be a much better if e holiday was part of the fresh independent start for you and DC. And I think in your shoes, I'd be pressing for them to be told before the end of term, so that both breaking up for the hols and your holiday itself give them some positives.

If possible, tell them together. Also, as STBX has been able to be absent from the house for lengthy periods without disrupting their routine, I'd stress how little their life will change and how they will still see their dad much as before. And reassure them at you both are and ever will be their parents, at your love for them is unwavering, and you will both do everything yoU can to make sure the new arrangements work well.

Thank you. Yes, that's what I was thinking, Meditrina. He is planning to move in with family member until he can move into his own place - he's got this all sorted, knows how it will work etc.

I feel a bit hard-hearted being the one to say that I want him to move out sooner than planned, though.

Why would you feel hard-hearted? Reading what you've written I think you'd be doing him a favour if he's finding it so hard to maintain the pretence. I also agree with the others that your DC will have picked up on something, so pay them the courtesy of telling them sooner rather than later.

I'm assuming that you will be primary carer, in which case telling the DC the truth before going on the holiday is the far better idea IMO. It will help establish your new family set-up. I think it will help the DC to come back knowing in advance that home no longer contains Dad rather than coming back 'home' to what they expect to be familiar and only then finding out that everything is different.

Good luck.