Support thread for people who are struggling with Mother's Day

[Lottapianos]

Hi all
I struggle at this time every year. The shops are full of cards for 'The World's Best Mum', 'where would I be without you?', 'you're the most wonderful mum anyone could ask for' etc etc. I feel happy for people who can buy those sorts of cards and mean what they say, but I feel jealous too. I bought a card for her - the blandest one I could find - and put it in post today (parents live in Ireland).

Very brief history - both my parents are emotionally abusive and always have been. Emotional blackmail, jealousy, backstabbing, bullying, lying, minimising - the whole lot. I'm seeing a great psychotherapist weekly and have been for 3 years. I started taking ADs 3 months ago after 6 months of utter hell involving thoughts of self-harm and suicide, constant anxiety and severe depression. I'm still so angry at both of them and furious about the horrible, scary feelings they have caused in me. So Mother's Day is a bit tough to swallow, as it has been for the last few years.

That's the short version of my story! I know I'm not the only one on here who has similar issues with mothers so please share yours if you feel it would be helpful for you

Why send a card at all if you don't like her very much? It's not compulsory and the whole thing is obviously upsetting you. Maybe this is the year to make the break?

I have hated it for the last 8 years - since I lost my lovely Mum.
I struggle around the shops - also all the emails telling me what would be good ..... I only wish I could still treat her and give her a hug and my appreciation , but I can't. :-(

'Maybe this is the year to make the break?'

Cogito, it's not. I feel like I do want to send a card because it would send a huge message if I didn't send one and I'm not ready to deal with the fallout. I'm ok with sending her a bland card, it just makes me sad when I think of the relationships that other people have with their mothers and how different things could be (in an ideal world of course!).

pausingforbreath, I'm really sorry that you are missing your obviously much-loved mumm

I'm with pausing on this, this is my first Mothers day without my mum, she was not only the mum that all those cards were made for, but my best friend. I miss her so much and I'm not sure how I'm ever going to measure up to the high standard she set

i hear you Lotta

my own mother isn't deserving of one of those types of cards either

i send her one with 'happy mothers day' on it, and pretend i care

i don't want her to have an unhappy day, i don't wish unhappiness on anyone.

i know lots of her issues are because she was unhappy in her younger life, but she is in denial about the beatings she used to give us, how she abused us all, she even denies she used to smoke

i just pretend

So sorry to hear about your loss MTBMummy

I think the denial and minimising of past behaviour is one of the worst things Esther. Often in emotionally abusive situations, you're brought up to feel that you're not allowed to have feelings or opinions of your own, and that kind of denial can leave you feeling that you are actually going mad.

'i just pretend'

I suspect, like a lot of us in the same situation, you are very good at pretending because you've had a lot of practice

So much sadness stirred up by this one day....or by the overwhelming commercialism that pushes it in our faces from the moment Valentine's is over, anyway! My sympathy to all the people hurting from the loss of their mums.
The adverts make me feel ill. I am getting more and more anxious as it approaches because I can't see how I can in all conscience send a card to a woman whose last words to me (in December) were that she doesn't know what she's done to deserve a daughter like me.

And you know what? I agree. She has betrayed me in the worst ways and hurt me more than anyone else has ever done. And I sent a card last year which she phoned to thank me for, then proceeded to rip me to shreds.

Probably should send one to Granny though. She's almost as bad, but yeah she's 90-something..... That would look really spiteful though, wouldn't it! Aaarghh. I hate special occasions.

I struggle with it. My mum died over 15 years ago, and I don't mind the general stuff in shops etc too much, but the promotional emails with Dear Firstname, buy you Mum a special gift... makes me think Oh Do Fuck Off.

I am the same as OP for Father's Day though, try to avoid anything that says Best Dad etc. I would prefer one that says - It's Father's Day, here is the card I bought out of duty even though you are a twat.

'I would prefer one that says - It's Father's Day, here is the card I bought out of duty even though you are a twat. '

and

We could set up in business together MerryMinge

yeah, they don't do 'Here's a card to say thanks for colluding' for FDay do they?

i'm wishing it was next monday already, so i can put it all behind me for another year, although DH will arrange nice things with DD, she's all about the cards and love

i hope she never has to read a thread like this and feel the same sadness posted here, by all contributors

for all

I have made the break and gone NC with my mother and this year will not be sending a card. I'm irritated by the emails too, but this is a situation of my choice, so I just delete them.

Sorry to hear of those of you that have lost a truly special Mum x

I completely agree, card buying does seem to highlight the flaws in relationships. I couldn't find a card that said thank you for phoning me once a year.

I remember a boy at school with my younger daughter some years ago - they all made Happy Mother's Day cards and his mum had died about 2 months before. He made a happy fathers day card instead, I can't imagine how bad he felt, they were young at the time I know so this Mothers Day card making was what happened in the primary class, routine every year. But still...

You guys who have lost your mums, my sincere condolences as it is hard this time of the year. You are not alone as this thread shows.

To those that have a mother about as much use as a fly on the backside of an arse, like my mother, you are not alone either - Every year I struggle to find a card that I can truly send, you know, one without the sentiment and gush in it. Was thinking of going with a sympathy one this year, so sorry I dared to enter into your life, please excuse me for my existence and hope you find peace in the knowledge you have other children that can satisfy you in ways plainly and obviously beyond my reach... My sympathies.... Your daughter. Bitter, much!?
I will send a card as its a decent thing to do but my heart is not in it at all this year, more so than most years...

At least we all know, whatever our circumstances might be, we are not alone in them. Thanks to this thread.

May I recommend the Value card?