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Original poster

My ex is throwing a birthday party for DD8 and has withheld my maintenance so I can pay half????

24 replies

KirstyWirsty · 04/03/2013 12:28

I am totally astounded at the sheer audacity of the man!!!

He discussed having the party at his parents' bowling club with DD before agreeing it with me (so a fair accompli as I couldn't then say no to her)

Now he has not paid his maintenance for this month so that he can 'tally up the money for the party before making payment'

He has not consulted me on any of the puchases he has made .. and even at that I hosted a party for DD last year and did not ask him for a penny!!!

Thoughts???

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 04/03/2013 12:41

Bloody hell KW .... how much is this extravaganza going to cost that it requires such a complex financial management plan? What a prick! Is your ex something of a control freak by any chance? Rise above...preferably about 40,000 ft above... and celebrate in style the fact that you are no longer living with this total tosser.

lynniep · 04/03/2013 12:42

I think he's a twat tbh. Maintenance is not for birthday parties. Its for essentials. He should pay you the maintenance as normal, then sort out the party payment separately.

However, you did agree to it, and you should have established how much was going to be spent at the time. Appreciate you were railroaded into it, but if you know how this bloke works then you should have said what your max contribution would be, or worked out a reasonable spend between you.

The fact you didnt ask him for money for last year is besides the point, I think.

Walkacrossthesand · 04/03/2013 12:43

My ex kept trying to do this - buy expensive things for the DCs and then ask me for half the cost. He didn't fiddle with the maintenance, though, so I was able to refuse - cue a barrage of insults about being stingy. To which I observed that all he had to do was discuss joint purchases with me first - if he preferred not to do this, and then call me stingy, that was his choice. The key principle here is discussing joint purchases before spending the money - how about if you point this out, point out that you paid for last years party shoe can pay for this one, maintenance as normal please, and in future you both discuss it before spending it?

Walkacrossthesand · 04/03/2013 12:44

Not shoe - so he...

Lovingfreedom · 04/03/2013 12:48

Can you ask your solicitor to insist on a standing order for maintenance? I don't know if this is possible/common etc.

Bogeyface · 04/03/2013 13:15

Tell him that you will work out how much he owes you for last years.

AgentSprout · 04/03/2013 13:22

My Ex did this on a few occasions. Bastard!

Its so stressful when you try to discuss it but then get a barrage of insults and abuse. It was happening quite a lot and I even considered stopping contact because I was a nervous wreck every time we had to discuss something. Of course I didn't as that wasn't fair on DD but I certainly came close.

In the end my DB went to see him and "had a word". It stopped after that which was about 3 years ago. I don't condone threatening someone but my DB was fed up of my Ex trying to bully me and leaving me skint when it suited him.

One thing I learn't from it is trying not to rely so heavily on the money, its hard but I couldn't stand him having that control over me. I don't think he would try it now because im happily settled in a new relationship. Fucker wouldnt bully a man.

Original poster

KirstyWirsty · 04/03/2013 13:29

I have just replied and said I will give him what I consider to be a reasonable sum towards the party and if he can't be relied on to pay the full maintenance on time then I will go to the csa

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 04/03/2013 13:33

Good for you Kirsty let's see how he likes them apples!

NorthernLurker · 04/03/2013 13:35

Good for you OP. That's absolutely fair enough. Times like these make it so clear why he's an Ex don't they?

Holly129 · 04/03/2013 13:44

I'd call the CSA straight away. They cannot back date payments so don't wait. I'd tell him you paid for the last party so he can pick up the bill for this one. What a knob!!

Skyebluesapphire · 04/03/2013 13:46

I agree Kirsty. maintenance is ongoing and for essentials, so it should not be interfered with. If you paid for the party last year, then he should pay for the party this year, that seems fair?!

My XH texted last week and said "I don't have a lot but I would like to contribute something toward's DD's birthday party". so it seems like he thinks its down to me to sort it all out and pay for it all and he will give something if he can afford it! Tosser.

Original poster

KirstyWirsty · 04/03/2013 14:55

He has replied...

you have made it so that your contribution is grudged so don't bother. DD wanted this party and I continue to do what is best for her you have clearly lost sight of that. I'll pay you your money as soon as I am online.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 04/03/2013 14:59

Wow. You have to give him credit for his ability to twist things! That is quite some spin he has put on it isnt it?

Cock!

Bogeyface · 04/03/2013 15:00

Incidentally, you might want to point out that her mother being able to feed and clothe her would also be in her best interests and that he has clearly lost sight of that!

kinkyfuckery · 04/03/2013 15:02

Ignore his last reply, it sounds like he will be paying the maintenance. It doesn't matter what he thinks of you regarding it.

Original poster

KirstyWirsty · 04/03/2013 15:17

kinky too late .. I told him to set up a standing order so I don't need to chase it again and got the response 'whatever' to which I will not reply though

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 04/03/2013 15:36

See what he does next month and if he plays silly buggers again then dont warn him, just go to the CSA.

wrinklyraisin · 04/03/2013 15:45

It can go the other way too...

My OH's ex demanded double maintenance last month to cover their child's party. It seemed to slip her mind he ALREADY paid the party costs directly to the party location. Apparently "the stress of organizing 15 class invites and having to pay postage for a few family invites and buy a (second and unneeded) birthday cake" warranted another $1600. Yes you read that right. $1600.

Suffice to say my OH politely declined.

clam · 04/03/2013 19:17

I would reply, "what's best for dd is that she is able to depend upon receiving her maintenance on a regular basis."
But then, I'm probably petty.

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail · 04/03/2013 19:22

I bloody hate it when they play the "I have my child's best interests at heart" card. Fuckers.

Walkacrossthesand · 04/03/2013 20:51

What's grudging about offering to contribute to the party - when he didn't do the same last year? His reply could have been written by my ex - very given to lofty pomposity when challenged. Maintenance as standing order seems like an excellent idea. Just carry on being the excellent mum that you are to your DD - ignore his attempts to make it a competition for 'who is the best parent' - water off a ducks back.

RoomForASmallOne · 04/03/2013 20:54

Not petty clam

I hate that..... your money bollocks

Lovingfreedom · 04/03/2013 22:28

Great....just say thanks if anything and check your account to see its in. Focus on results. Well done. Ignore the emotional blackmail. You paid last year. You've got nothing to feel bad about.

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