I don't know how to call it a day!!!

[sparklysausage]

Hi ladies,

This is my first post here, I have been reading your wise words for a while.

I have been with my husband for eight years and we have two children Ds1 (3.11) Ds2 (1.9). I have been unsure of my feelings for my husband for a very long time. I just feel so torn!! I fantasies every day about not being with him anymore. I just don't know how to leave!!

The back-story is he is always been an incredibly selfish person. We have to live in his town, do the things that he likes to do. Our life has to revolve around his social life. For example, on a Sunday, Monday and Wednesday he plays darts. I suffered badly with post-natal depression asked him to stay home with me one night, as I felt terrible-he refused. Those nights are sacred in our home. These are.only a few examples, there are loads more.

The worst part of our relationship is the nastiness! ! My husband swears a lot at and has called me disgusting names, on occasion in front of our boys. He thinks nothing of calling me a f@@@@@g fat ugly c@@t!! He is grumpy and angry a lot of the time. If I challenge him about his behaviour he flatly denies it, he almost convinces me that it didn't happen. There have been some physical aggression to, he has punched me inthe arm a couple of times and pushed me about.

The main cause of unhappiness for my husband is that I can't bring myself to have sex with him. Thought makes me feel sick!!! I have explained that I am not turned on by being called names. It's like a vicious cycle, I say "no" and then the next day he is an arse hole to both me and the kids. I feel like I'm being bullied to have sex. I understand that rejection must be horrible but I won't have sex when I don't want to, I just can't.

I have told him I am leaving before and he is really nice to me and promises he will change. He doesn't change for long.

The thought of splitting up and the impact it will have on our children makes me feel dreadful. My husband has drilled it into me that if I split up our family, I will ruin their lives.

This is just the tip of the iceberg

Where do I start?

Would suggest you call Womens Aid today because they can and will also help you here. 0808 2000 247.

I would also seek legal advice asap re divorcing this man because abusers do not change and you're in the nice/nasty continuous cycle that such men do on their victims. I use the plural here because your children are and certainly will be profoundly affected by their abusive dad if they grow up in such a toxic and dysfunctional environment.

Olgaga has previously put up some great information re separation; I would search her posts.

Re your sentence here
"The thought of splitting up and the impact it will have on our children makes
me feel dreadful".

Where have those feelings come from, has he made you feel like that?. The impact on your children will be far more damaging and marked if you were to choose to stay with him. Its already having an impact on them because they all too clearly see how he is treating their mum. They learn from both of you regarding relationships and the current role model they are seeing is not fit for purpose. If you were to stay with this man for the long haul your children will not thank you for doing so because they will ask you why you put him before them and thus ruined their own childhoods. Your relationship with them could also become damaged as a result.

Re this comment:-
"My husband has drilled it into me that if I split up our family, I will ruin their lives".
Many abusive men say this to keep their victims in their place. Its not true. He's already ruining their lives by abusing the person whom he is supposed to love. Your H does not know the meaning of the word. All he cares about is having absolute power and control over you; abuse is about power and control.