Disappointed with Dp... yet again.

[Shellywelly1973]

I've posted ( it feels like ) all over MN this past week.

Last week i found out i had a MMC. It was a terrible shock, i had no reason to think anything was wrong. On Wednesday i went into hospital for an ERPC.

This was my 6th pregnancy. Dps 4th. My oldest 2dc are grown up. The baby was planned &wanted. Dp worked every evening after we found out. He took Wednesday evening off& then was on a long rest weekend from Thursday. I did ask him to take Tuesday evening off as i was struggling with the younger dc&i had tons of stuff to do. I only found out on Tuesday afternoon i was having the operation on Wednesday morning.

He's tried to cope with the dc but to be honest, he's bloody useless. One of the dc has ASD &i even had to put him to bed Wednesday night. I also ended up doing the ironing &telling him what to put in the dc lunch boxes.

He went out last night&didn't get up til 1pm. I did all the uniforms etc this evening. The house is a total tip& i mean totally wrecked. He's back to work tomorrow, he'll leave before school & won't be back til after bedtime. There's no food left, washing etc to be done, the whole situation is overwhelming.

He was sympathetic etc when i got upset. But he ended up getting to the hospital when i was ready to come home instead of being there before i went for the operation.

I don't know why Im disappointed in him. He's always been the same. Says very little. Not good at talking. Never much good when i was pregnant but he dosn't do anything wrong. I've no family support. No one to take the dc even in an emergency.

Sorry this is turning into a long post but how do i keep going? Dc with ASD is very difficult. I realise Im totally on my own. I deal with everything. If i don't, it just dosn't get done.

Normally i cope ok but i can't cope right now& I've no family one to turn to. How do others do it all?

I am so sorry about you mmc.

Your dh is being a dick and as only you know if it he is being a dick on purpose or not so I am not going to comment there.

What is clear is that you need a bit of a break. Are family finances well enough to get some help in for a couple of weeks. A few hours of having a cleaner will help take a pile of the load off you. you can ask dh to either put up (bloody do his share and then some!) or pay up.

That's the worst bit he dosn't do it on purpose, he so rarely deals with the dc or any of the day to day stuff that he struggles to know what to do or how we do things.

He will put youngest dc to bed but the dc with ASD refuses to go to bed unless i do him. The older dc is 11 so she can do things herself.

There are no funds for a cleaner! Its more like the practical things like putting washing away, sorting clothes, washing that are stressing me as i can't find anything anymore. I will get on top of it but i feel like i should be able to not do the day to day stuff for a few days& Dp should be able to cope with his own dc for a few days...its not rocket science!

I have no advice, but my partner is very like this. It is driving us apart because I am sick of being disappointed in him. I would never have children with him, because I know I'd end up doing everything.

Just going to watch the thread and hope for some good advice for both of us.

my dh would rather get on his hands and knees and scrub the floor with a toothbrush than pay for a cleaner. but I can always dream. These.are exceptional circumstances though.

My only advice would be to tell him straight. Dont hold back on the details. write it down if you have to. Tell him he is letting you down!

Maybe by 'being bluddy useless' he gets out of having to do stuff. I would make sure he does stuff even if he does it 'bluddy uselessly' . Perhaps oldest DC can 'help' Dad put other Dcs to bed, anything to stop him getting out of it by leaving it to you.

You must be worn out and hormones running awry.

Write a list of what he has to do and take yourself to bed the next evening you get the chance to. You can say the doc said you needed to rest if you want an excuse. If he is fit and able (and the DCs don't pester him which they prob don't if he never does things with them) it will be surprising how much he can get done in a couple of hours. But you need to be out of the way or he will keep bothering you for help.

So sorry you're going through this :(

I agree you need to sit him down and tell him straight, if you can't then write it down. Spell it out that you NEED his help and support and that anything less is, quite frankly, a let down and a huge bloody insult to you, you're not super woman. Honestly I could cry for you and if I was anywhere near you I'd come and give you a hand myself so you could put your feet up on the sofa and rest like you should be doing.
I'd make it a long term thing too not just now because you're unwell - get all the kids involved (age suitable) not sure if your older dc live at home but if yes then make them take more responsibility, If no - is it possible to ask them to give you a hand.
Do you have any outside help with your son, could you speak to the health visitor, gp and get any help that way? (sorry have no clue just trying to be helpful)
Take care x

he ended up getting to the hospital when i was ready to come home instead of being there before i went for the operation

In any other circumstances I feel sure the consensus of opinion would be 'he's just not that into you', and it seems to me that therein lies the crux of the matter as any man worthy of the title 'dp' who can't be arsed to get himself to a hospital at the appropriate/requested time really isn't that bothered about his live-in partner.

It's massively disrespectful both to you and the dc for him to blithely father children when he has no intention of bothering to learn how to parent them in the accepted sense of the word - not, I may add, that i personally feel that lessons in parenting should be necessary for any man who's got his wits about him.

Your dp seems to live in a world of his own, in your words 'saying little, not good at talking'. How does he manage at work? Is he not required to pay attention to detail or converse with his colleagues? Has he never had to fend for himself, doing his own cooking/washing/cleaning?

I wouldn't be sitting him down; I suggest you point him in the direction of the door and tell him that if he doesn't shape up and start punching above pulling his weight, he can ship out and forget about adding more dc to already overstretched resources, namely, yourself.

I seem to recall a saying to the effect that 'a family that grows together, stays together'. If your dp refuses to grow up, he's going to get left behind by his dc.

Thanks for your replys.

In Dp defence on the day of the op i was meant to be last on the list but i ended up being first. He said he would come straight from the school but went home to sort a few bits out, he eventually got to the hospital at 11.40am. I was dressed& ready to leave. I had no signal &had been trying to text/call him from 10.30.

My main point is the lack of regard for me. I know alot of people would say I've only had a miscarriage but he could see how distraught i was.

I cope with everything, all the time. I just needed him for once in his life to move his lazy arse.

He opts out of anything to difficult or upsetting to deal with.

This man lived by himself until he was33!! He can do everything, cook, iron etc he has become so lazy over the last 14 years & now will eat take away, wear unironed clothes & do as little as possible.

I've thrown him out before. Once when dc5 was a few weeks old. I couldn't cope with everything. Our ds with Autism wasn't diagnosed & i couldn't cope with a new born& SN toddler.

I couldn't sleep last night. In the middle of the night i realised no one had called or texted all weekend. Not my mum, sisters, brother, friends or my own grown up dc. They all know I've had a mc&surgery last Wednesday.

I thought i had made friends at the school but no one has called to ask if Im ok, i have not been to the school since last Tuesday. I make dd bring ds into class this morning, i couldn't face all the pregnant mums.

So Im now faced with the reality of the situation. Dp won't change. I've asked& told him enough times. So do i put up with being nothing more then a skivy or tell him to leave...i know the answer. I've wasted so many years, tolerating & excusing behaviour. Telling myself its my fault, telling myself he's a hard working man& he's all i have.

The reality right now is i have no one, absolutely no one tp pick the phone up with& talk to. Not a single person to pop round& have a cup of tea with or ask to help me with dc. Dps next day off is Sunday.

I thought i lost a baby 9 days ago, infact I've really had my eyes opened to the ridicules situation Im in& its all my own fault.