My ExH won't make arrangements till the very, very last minute.

[SwitchedtoEatingCheese]

It's driving me mad. For example he had the children overnight last night. He usually brings them back for 3 but had said they 'might' be going to a birthday party. I text him at 12.30 to ask if they will be back normal time. He texts me back at 2.47 ( there is no way he never to my text, he is surgically attached to that phone) to say they will be later.

He is supposed to be coming through one morning this week ( he works shifts) but not sure which day.

Ffs I'm not asking him what he's dong for Christmas we are talking about two days time.

Rant over

You'll have to be more strict with him! He's totally doing this to mess you around. Can you find out when he gets his upcoming shift patterns, and then insist on arrangements then? Or set a regular date, and he'll just have to arrange his work around that?

If he keeps arranging stuff last minute you might have to take the hard line approach and say "Sorry, it's not convenient. If you'd let me know by (X day) I might have been able to rearrange."

They might miss out in the short term, but he'll soon buck up his ideas :)

I know you are right, I know his shift pattern but he comes up its things like ' I need to go into work eArly so won't be over today' this is usually at about 10am, im already at work so I have just over an hour to make other arrangements to get my dd's from nursery.

Then he claims its not his fault it's his big bad boss.

This is absolutely not on, is it. Your ex is either not prioritising his parental role enough, or getting a power kick out of messing you around. If nothing else, your DCs should know who's picking them up from nursery, and only a major one-off emergency changes that. I doubt your employer would be too chuffed either at you spending work time frantically phoning around to find someone to collect DCs. Explain to ex that if he can't commit to things he's agreed to for DCs you'll have to make arrangements that don't depend on him, and if that means he loses contact time, tough.

He is doing this because he knows that you will pick up the pieces. So you need to start saying no. As the PP said, "Thats not convenient, I need X days notice"

You are thinking of your children in trying to enable their time with him, except that being let down and as walk said, the messing about with pick ups is not good for them.

They need consistency and if he wont do it off his own bat then you need to force it.

He's taking you for a ride. He can explain to his boss that he can't go in early because he has his children. The boss can't MAKE him come in early.

What would he do if you said "Well I'm at work too late now, you'll have to find someone to collect him from nursery." They're his responsibility too!

Although, and I know it's a pain for you, another rule of thumb is to not rely on an ex who is like this for childcare. Only make arrangements when you don't have to be anywhere else.

Bertie he would do that to me!
My mum is retired and lives nearby and she will go and get them -he knows this fine and well, which means if he decided not to bother he know she will get them .

I'm sure he does it to piss me off. I am going away with work for two days this month and asked him nearly three months ago if he could look after the children those days. As they are at school and nursery he can stay in my house and I would have clothes etc all organised. His reply - he doesn't have any holidays and is early shift (6am start) so I will have to wait and see!
no fucking holidays my arse, his holidays run jan-dec, its fucking March and he can't spare two days.

Do you think a text telling him he needs to agree which days is a good idea, or should i go with a legal letter?

I would suggest a legal letter because you have tried to be reasonable and he is ignoring you, I dont think that he will be any more reasonable now.

But using a solicitor will show him that you mean business.

get on with your life.

When he says oh I may be doing this or that

repeat well if you don't let me know I may have made plans as I can't keep turning things down for the dc on the off chance you will see them it isn't fair on the children.

repeat this over and over

possibly even write it down

as for what happened yesterday - get on with your afternoon as if he is bring them back after a party, don't hang around for him then of your not there say - well you told me you were taking them to a party - take the might out of it and leave him to get on with his wishy washy life

as for childcare - just tell him oh well mum will love just love to spend time with her grandchildren so if you don't let me know by a week next wednesday - I will just go ahead and make alternative arrangements anyway thank goodness for mums