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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have I overreacted

23 replies

FayKnights · 03/03/2013 22:48

Just over a week ago, DH went to the pub for a pint as he does every Friday, which I don't usually have an issue with, however, he didn't return home until 5am the next morning, he'd left his phone at home so I couldn't call him, so I spent the whole night unable sleep. When he stumbled in, I questioned him about where he'd been and he'd apparently been at a lock in at his local. I had a good shout at him and went up to bed. A week later I am still beyond pissed off and I'm finding it difficult to get passed it. I don't think a married man with 3 children should be staying out to all hours. What say you wise Mumnetters?

OP posts:

ObscuredByClouds · 03/03/2013 22:56

Well, I wouldn't necessarily have minded the lock-in (so long as it wasn't a regular thing) but I would have been really pissed off he hadn't contacted me. After all, he could've asked to borrow a friend's

ObscuredByClouds · 03/03/2013 22:56

Phone to contact you.

Sorry, last message posted too soon!

Original poster

FayKnights · 03/03/2013 23:04

Thanks for replying Obscured. I think the not bothering to call is one of my major issues, because he didn't give me a single thought.

OP posts:

Cherriesarelovely · 03/03/2013 23:06

Well, I would also find that quite weird and annoying! I suppose if it is something that your DH or you do sometimes then you would not have been so concerned or pissed off. It seems it was completely out of the blue though and the fact that he didn't call you is a bit pathetic. On the other hand if he is contrite and it was a mad one off then I suppose we all make mistakes!

Cherriesarelovely · 03/03/2013 23:08

Fwiw both my DP and I would be equally frantic if either of us went awol until that time of the morning without calling.

ObscuredByClouds · 03/03/2013 23:08

Has he mentioned it since? Did you tell him why you're pissed off exactly?

Original poster

FayKnights · 03/03/2013 23:15

It's out of the blue to be that late and it's not something I'd do, I'm not a big drinker and I like my bed too much for late nights.
I did tell him at the time why I was peed off and he has been exceedingly nice all week, but I think that's so I don't yell at him again.
In the back on my mind I'm weighing up if I believe that he was really at the pub or up to no good.

OP posts:

badinage · 03/03/2013 23:19

Depends.

I've often stayed out all night as a married woman and so has my husband. But we've always either told eachother first or phoned to let the other one know if plans changed. We did this less when the kids were young we and needed all hands to the pump, because if one of us was out all night, the following day was a write-off and it wasn't very fair on the one left looking after the kids.

A week's a long time to brood and simmer though. Is this a one-off or is it typically selfish behaviour?

badinage · 03/03/2013 23:20

Ah, just saw your post. So you think the 'pub lock-in' story is actually an OW then?

Why is that? Any other signs?

ObscuredByClouds · 03/03/2013 23:20

Well, if his story is true and he did go to a lock-in then 'forget' to call you...but has been really nice and trying to make up for it since then I'd forgive and move on for sure. Particularly if it was only a one-off.

However, if you suspect something else took place that night...

What do you suspect he may have been doing?

Original poster

FayKnights · 03/03/2013 23:23

He can be selfish at times. I don't usually simmer, I'll let rip and then it'll all be over.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 03/03/2013 23:24

He probably thought you would be fast asleep by the time he realised exactly how late he was going to be.

I regularly go out on a Friday night and get home just before 6am on a Saturday morning, either due to a lock in at our local, or because we have gone back to someones house and carried on drinking and talking.

I have never cheated on my husband on any of these occasions.

Original poster

FayKnights · 03/03/2013 23:27

I think the time he returned is what's worrying me most and the fact that he was with random people that he doesn't know particularly well, he wasn't with his usual group of pals.
He sleeps on the sofa most nights, he'll stay up watching tv and doesn't make it upstairs, not sure if that counts as a bad sign?

OP posts:

badinage · 03/03/2013 23:33

It's very discourteous not to phone to say he wouldn't be home.

How long he's been sleeping on the sofa? What's he like with his phone? Is it password protected?

ObscuredByClouds · 03/03/2013 23:35

What do you suspect him of fay?

Apart from this incident and falling asleep in front if the TV have you has your suspicions raised by anything else?

Original poster

FayKnights · 03/03/2013 23:42

No, there's nothing else to make me suspect him, I'm probably just over thinking it all because it was a weird thing for him to do. We don't go out as a couple very often so I suppose I'm also a bit jealous that he chooses to spend time with people that he barely knows and not with me.
He doesn't hide or have a password on his phone and things like bank accounts are shared.
This is all really helpful thanks ladies, it's much easier to pour it all out to you and get a bit of outsider perspective.

OP posts:

Original poster

FayKnights · 03/03/2013 23:43

Sorry, meant to say that the sleeping on the sofa has been going on for ages.

OP posts:

howdoo · 03/03/2013 23:52

Well, the sleeping on the sofa for months on end is odd - why doesn't he make it up to bed?

Original poster

FayKnights · 03/03/2013 23:57

He watches tv until late and ends up falling asleep down there. It's a bit sad really.

OP posts:

YellowTulips · 04/03/2013 00:06

I think you should start by questioning why he sleeps on the sofa most nights rather than a one off lock in.

Sorry to say but that's not a sign of a heathy relationship or lifestyle.

ObscuredByClouds · 04/03/2013 00:06

I can understand it's hurtful that he doesn't socialise with you but chooses to spend time with others. Does he know you feel this way? Has it always been this way? How long have you been together.

I agree it's not ideal that he crashes out on the sofa every night but am wondering if it's just a habit he's fallen into rather than an indication of something more sinister? In which case, I'm sure if you talk to him about it he should understand and make more of an effort to cone to bed with you.

Perhaps I'm naive?

YellowTulips · 04/03/2013 00:14

The sofa issue sounds like dis-engagement to me.

Bed/sofa - which would you choose?

A one off - fair enough...

But most of the time? Sorry OP but there is more to this than one night out. This is someone who is deliberately removing himself from the "norms" of a relationship.

The question is why?

bingodiva · 04/03/2013 00:34

i think your over analysing it looking for something which isnt there as it doesnt sound like he is trying to hide anything. if he uses the same local every friday you could have phoned there if his phone was in the house - not condining not phoning home though as i would have been climbing the walls if i didnt know where OH was/is.

as for sleeping on the couch - i do that sometimes as im a bit of an insomniac and just want to read/watch TV/do whatever to waste time or do something when i go to bed if im not tired (which is most of the time) im better now but when i was younger wouldnt sleep for 4 or 5 days at a time, used to drive my parents mad when i was at home as i was up most of the time and they were light sleepers so kept them awake too.

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