Should I stay or should I go?

[LittleDonkin]

The last time I posted in this section was almost 2 years ago after I found out my husband had slept with another woman during a night out with his brother on his birthday. Our DD was 6 months old at the time. I was suspicious when they walked in at 7am.

I found out about the one night stand after logging into his facebook account and seeing a message from her asking what was going on as she had seen he was married. I have his facebook password as he has messaged countless women on social networking sites that I have found out about as the messages also come up on our joint email account. After confronting him he said he had no idea what I was on about and that he didnt do anything. I grabbed hi phone and there were 5 texts from her and several missed calls. He then admitted what he had done and he had said he was single but had a child (he has my full first name tatooed on his back and said that was the name of his daughter)

I stayed with my husband as I felt it was the "right" thing to do with having a 6 month old baby. I did love him and was utterly heartbroken by what he had done. I did not have sex with him until 6 months after I found out what he had done but even then I felt I was only doing it because I had to as he had "served his time"

Now 2 years down the line I am having severe doubts about weather I should stay with him or not. I am 13 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. I feel I no longer love my husband and the only reason I have been having sex with him for the past year is to get pregnant as I wanted another baby (he did too) even though I didnt get so much as a hug when I got the BFP on Boxing day.

Many may think its an easy decision but I am currently living abroad as my husband is in the forces and I dont know how I will sort everything out for coming back to the UK. I will have nowhere to stay as none of my family have a spare room and I have never claimed benefits in my life and have no idea about council houses etc. Obviously I am unable to get a job that will keep me and my dd and the neew baby. I also have 2 dogs which again alot of people would say just rehome them but they are like my children and I need them with me.

My husband is a very emotionless person and this month I went home for 2 weeks and never even recieved a phone call from him as he was in a mood because he had his mum and nana out for a week at the beggining of this month and he said I kept "abandoning" them. He was working everyday they were here and it certainly was not my job to babysit them and my argument was that they came to see my dd not me.

He does not spend alot of time with dd and when he gets in from work he is straight upstairs sorting stuff out even when she is following him shouting "daddy, daddy"

I have been with him 7 years this year and I keep thinking I am wasting my time but I just dont know what to do.

Sorry if bits of this are babbling but my head is a mess and I feel like a woman who is worthless and unloved.

Oh dear, you have rather a lot going on haven't you. Is it possible that hormones are making things seem a bit more desperate?

If you really are unhappy and convinced leaving is the best option, consider whether you have a local connection to a place, this helps in terms of getting priority housing I think. Could your parents put you up even for a few days whilst you get onto the local council and try and sort of somewhere to live?

Maybe you could leave the dogs whilst you get settled back over here and then move them?

Has your husband always been quite emotionally distant? or is this new?

Well you've got all the reasons in the world to leave him - you don't love him, he can't be trusted to be faithful, he is cold and selfish doesn't show affection, he's not a very good dad.

Your reasons for staying are practical - you don't know about benefits and housing etc and you need to have your dogs with you. Practical problems have practical solutions so you can start working on these - perhaps your family can get some info for you on the benefits you would be entitled to? You should also be able to search online - citizens advice bureau have a benefits calculator on their site and the gov sites will have similar (sorry can't do link on my crappy laptop!)

It would probably be best to leave before the baby is born otherwise that will make the practical issues more difficult. That still gives you quite a bit of time to make plans and sort out the details.

I don't think anyone thinks it is an easy decision but there's no point wasting your life in a loveless marriage.

Before you go any further I think you need to research the practicalities.

You have some big decisions to make but understandably are finding that almost impossible with so many unknowns.

There is a mumsnet poster who regularly posts a fantastic practical help list on the relationships thread, begins with Ol.

I am sure she or another poster will send you a link.

Look at that. Do your research. Understand your options (and there will be far more than you think). Make a decision. Then take action.

Deep breaths. You can do this.

citizens advice benefits calculator

mumsnet info for single parents

I can also recommend an old self-help book that's really good for people who feel 'stuck' in a situation called 'FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!'. It's really good for getting you to look calmly at your situation and build up the confidence to change it.

Good luck LittleDonkin, there's a whole new life out there!

Search for Olgaga's posts (I think she may have a blog page)

Look up your possible benefit entitlements here www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

Remember you would be getting a proportion of his pay as mainenance for you DC you can check how much here www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/calculator.asp

When/if you decide to leave then talk to your regiments social welfare officer (assuming you still have such things) regarding transitional housing possibilities etc.

these people specialise in armed forces personnel and divorce www.hartnellchanot.co.uk/divorce-separation/armed-forces-divorce/

also look on the army families federation website where there is an excellent advice leaflet that you can download or get sent to you. (type in divorce into the search facility)

good luck. Look at the practical then when you have the information you can decide what you want to do.

Also, get in touch with SSAFA. Sadly you're not the first and won't be the last who is contemplating separation/divorce from a non-UK posting.

How long until his return to UK? Would it help if he moved out into the mess for a while, giving you time to consider your position and options without him being there?

Hi all thanks for the replys. I have seen him for a total of 8 hours since wednesday night as he has been on guard and even for those few hours we have hardly spoken. I will look into all the websites and forces help. We are due back to the UK this summer before the baby is due.

Well its over, we have decided to seperate. I have been to welfare and got the ball rolling!

Go and see your welfare/families office and tell them what you written here. If the situation is untenable, then they can make your husband move back into the block/mess for a period while you consider your options. They can refer you to Relate if you want to go, either as a couple or alone.

There are options, oddly enough, being abroad with the Forces gives you more options. If you need more practical advice, please feel free to PM me. I worked in a UWO in BFG and am happy to pass on my expertise.

My husband is already in the block. The decision has been made we are well past counselling as no matter how many time he promises not to message other women he ALWAYS does it again and my trust in him has completley vanished. My welfare officer is contacting the local council of the area I want to live in so its a waiting game now. Thanks for your message CaptChaos I may take you up on the PM offer!