"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's March 2013, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/angry/hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/lifetime experiences of being hurt/angry etc by our parents? behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's. 

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth. 

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0553814826/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0553814826&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.</a>

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly use it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Alice Miller</a>

<a class="break-all" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Personality Disorders definition</a>

More helpful links:

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Daughters of narcissistic mothers</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://outofthefog.net/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Out of the FOG</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">You carry the cure in your own heart</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Help for adult children of child abuse</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.pete-walker.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Pete Walker</a>

Some books:

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0749910542/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0749910542&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Homecoming</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1439129436/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=1439129436&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Will I ever be good enough?</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0060929324/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0060929324&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">If you had controlling parents</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0385304234/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0385304234&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">When you and your mother can't be friends</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1572245611/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=1572245611&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Children of the self-absorbed</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0671701355/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0671701355&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Recovery of your inner child</a>

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Happy Posting (smithfield posting as therealsmithfield)

slowly from what you say about your childhood you do have cause to be stressed by it. I dont think that with.anything as emotionally.complex.as this you just wake up after a eureka moment and feel cleansed. The self doubt that kept you compliant all your life and the fact that for most of it you thought your mum was amazing mean you will keep getting fogged.

But slowly slowly the blame will shift from.you to her in.your mind and you will start to feel.stronger. in a way we have to rebuild ourselves to being completely new people who have the confidence to assert ourselves and think ourselves worthy people, in a way that well adjusted people take for granted.

FWIW I do think your counsellor is leading you down the right path. It is a hard one and you are doing it! That is amazingly strong. Keep talking chuck.

I am feeling a bit low today and was unexpectedly drawn here.
I have an uncontrollable urge to post but i don't know what to say.
I know exactly how you all feel but i am totally unable to put my own situation/feelings into words.
After going through the adoption assement (and having my childhood broken down into minute details) and going on an adoption course last year, i realise that my childhood wasn't what i thought it was.

I can't find the words i need to describe it and how i feel as a result of it and am getting upset trying to, so if it's ok i'd just like to hang around for a bit.

Hello Flossy, you are very welcome here, to post or not

I was talking with another lady this morning about how distant and disconnected she felt about how awful her situation really was, that could see herself telling people that she'd had her jaw broken and the people around her were shocked/visibly upset/appalled, etc. and yet she didn't feel anything or know how to explain any of it.

Just saying, it can take sometime of sitting on the edge of something looking in before feeling like you can really grapple with it.

We're all really just at different stages of grappling, IYGWIM?

thanks for sharing what you have.. come again when you're ready in the meantime reading others 'stuff' should help with some more clarity for you, and I am really sorry that your childhood experience has meant that you have to live with these sadnesses (that does change).

take care x

CreepyLittleBat Thank you. I have been having therapy with my current counsellor for 5 months. Really can't afford anymore. I do sometimes feel that I HAVE achieved a lot. My marriage has had it's ups and downs, more down now as DH does not know how to deal with it and the fact that I have always dragged him up and down the country to visit with 'those people' as I was so desperate to fit in. No one visited us though unless they had to go to London (as we live just outside) . DH's childhood was materially very poor but rich in love and emotion so the complete opposite of mine and he has not got a clue, the poor bloke. His parents cry when they see him out of happiness fgs and have only positive tales to tell about him. I thought I was doing such a crap job of parenting my 4 DC as they don't listen, talk back to me and are not afraid of me! Of course now I know they are supposed to be like that!

FairyFi yes, my constant panic and terror has made me realise have scared I have been. I did see some terrible domestic violence as a small DC (I developed a stutter at the age of 4 after speaking perfectly before that) and I think my fear is a remembered fear constantly playing on a loop in head.

WildeRumpus Thank you. I keep having glimpses of the real me and that gives me hope. I need to focus on that.

Flossy I am so sorry. It hits you like a ton of bricks doesn't it? I was so much in denial, it felt like it had happened to someone, not me, surely! It is so hard to get it straight in your head, takes a lot of time and I'm not halfway there yet. Writing it down does help though.

Thank you FairyFi!

The strange thing is that i can read someone elses post and it hits the nail on the head but then i still can't put it into my own words.

I think there's a part of me that still feels really conflicted about it all. I haven't suffered abuse in what my interpretation of that word is. I know my parents love me, took care of me and were affectionate but it's the emotional stuff. The effects of all that feels like it's suffocating me. Sadness is a perfect description. It is always lingering in the background even when i'm feeling happy (if that makes any sense)

Yes, SlowlyWakingUp it does. I had already come to the relisation that it wasn't all in my imagination but the lasting effects of it all hit me massively a year ago on the course.

(The course was an adoption course to help us better understand why our kids were the way they were, but to do that the first 2 days were about looking at ourselves to understand why we were the way we were)

I want to repair the damage and break free of this cloud that seems to hang over me and causes me to question my feelings constantly, but most of all i want to learn to have better friendships by not being drawn to people who are emotionally shut off so that i don't have to give any of myself.

Huge congrats to you all for making great strides in making sense of it all, and yourselves. I am here because you are all so inspirational.

you are obviously beautiful kind lady flossy and deserve absolutely to be surrounded by beautifl kind souls too xx [lovely thing to say ^there]

Thank you FairyFi. Bless you xxx

flossy sorry to hear about the stuff you are going through. I find it hard to put my feelings and experiences into words too. I wonder how anyone can understand unless I tell them the whole story. I worry that if I tell people who haven't experienced neglect or abuse, that they will think I am mad or attention seeking. But in this forum, people understand without you having to say everything. We have all been through stuff and understand how hurtful our experiences are. We don't have to 'prove' how upsetting our experiences are. I find a great deal of empathy here which helps me through my day to day anxieties.

slowly your story sounds so awful. Have you read Toxic Parents? I keep suggesting it here but I found it really helpful after that I read Children of the Self Absorbed which has really helped me heal my wounds.

Well, after our 'disagreement' on Tuesday in which I told my mother than I would not speak to her until she was able to listen to me/talk to me about my childhood calmly adult to adult, I received a package from her yesterday containing all the photo's she must have had of my DCs, me, DH and Mothers Day/Birthday cards etc I had sent her in the past. What really made me raise my eyebrows (see, no emotion left there) is that she sent back cards the DC had made her and all their photo's.

What a complete bitch. So she's decided that since I disagree with her and refuse to back down on how bad I was made to feel as a kid, she's decided that me AND my DC, her grandchildren, don't exist! She was never a hands on grandparent and has only seen them once in last year, forgot their birthdays as well but that is pretty low isn't it?

I have also had an email this morning from my real father (who walked away when I was 6/7, never paid child support and whom I did not have any contact with until I was 38, since then just sporadic emails) telling me that I need 'professional help' as I have not accepted his denials of being a drunk and my clear memories (and my brother's) of him attacking my mother mean I have been completely brainwashed. I told him that when I was a teenager especially, I had a fantasy that he would turn up and 'rescue' me from my mother and it turns out that my image of him as a father WAS just a fantasy. He has decided I am vile in bringing this up and he has closed the book on it, it is nothing to do with me anyway.

He has brought up his 2nd wife's 2 children and gave his step daughter away at her wedding last year (I was not invited) and could not understand why I was not interested in hearing about it, came into a large lump sum of money soon after buggering off but could not 'afford' a solicitor to arrange access, when I brought up 'unsavoury' stuff after the 1st and last time we met, he also returned the very few photo's he had of me as a kid.

I have come to the conclusion that I have had the misfortune to have been born to TWO narcs! I really must be a 'miracle' as my counsellor has told me I am!

Sorry, spelling, grammar, punctuation crap.

Apologies in advance for rambling. I am so glad this thread is here but does anyone else feel like they are neglecting getting on with their lives whilst devoting time and head space to dealing with this? I have so much I want to do but I feel like I'm stuck while I go through this 'process'. I know I have to go through it if I want to function to the best my ability (don't think I ever have) but it feels like such a waste of time going around in circles and coming to the same conclusion AGAIN but not being able to put it to 'bed' once and for all!

I totally agree. I haven't posted much lately because I have mostly put it to bed & don't want to deal with it anymore. I know it's a bit passive aggressive to cut contact against someone else's will but tough!!

slowly you're parents sound terrible. Narcs always blame their children - we were difficult, they did their best, we need help not them etc. Don't listen - just stay focused. I go through extreme periods of self absorbtion but I think the more work I do on myself the better/happier I become as a person.

Slowly that's just awful that he sent back the DC's pictures & cards too, really designed to upset you that one.

Stay strong x

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Do you feel able to now detach Slowly & get on with your life without wasting energy on them?

One evening I realised that I could win a Nobel prize and that still my Mother would be disappointed with me.
Took a huge weight off my mind and has made everything much easier since.

Just marking my place (pardon the cliche) ive been told that i should come here, dont have time to read thorugh just yet

Hello, and welcome Lucyellen'smum have a read through some time...it's quite a head fuck when you start realising quite how weird your parents are and that you don't have o put up with it. Scary stuff.
I've been on this thread briefly and had my own thread all about my narcissitic/engulfing/guilt tripping mother here. We lived with her for 3 years, it all got too much and we moved out 2 months ago. I've been going lower contact since (once a week with kids for an hour or so and maybe I see her once midweek on my own for an hour or so).

I'm now on holiday for a week and DB is flying in (to stay with her, she has more room...no issues, he's been a great support) on Tuesday. I've been feeling the old GUILT today because I would normally see her with kids today but I decided as I was on hols and we're seeing her with DB on Tuesday, that we'd have a non DM weekend.
It's DS' 5th bday on Tuesday and we're going out for lunch with DM and DB. DM seems to favour DS over DD (22mo) which I find difficult. So, to assuage my guilt about not visiting today as we normally would I texted today to say I had some cheese she'd asked me to pick up and I'd bring it on Tuesday cos we were out for the day tomorrow. She texts back "cheese not urgent when do I get to wrap DS' remote control car?". This is a present DS is asked for but it's been decided that I would buy it and DB will give me the money so he can give DS a present but not have to bring a bulky present on the plane when he's only got hand luggage. So I texted back, "I'll wrap it and hide it in the car so DB can give it to him when we (DS and me) pick Db up from the airport, it's from DB, isn't it". But it's annoyed me. Taking over again, spoiling DS again. If I told anyone in RL they'd think I was ungrateful. Why do I still feel this need to contact her, this guilt if I don't? She NEVER contacts me. I'm glad she wound me up though in a text as now it's reminded me again to back off a bit.

Talkinpeace - snap, if I won a Nobel prize, or married Prince William (that would be my mum's ideal), she would still find something to focus on to criticise - usually my appearance, even though I was a model in my 20's, it's never good enough. There will always be something, right?

Slowly - that's awful I'm so sorry you've had to deal with your mum sending you all the pictures & everything back. She clearly wants a reaction from you = her way of asserting control again. I know what you mean about not wanting to give head space & time to thinking about / dealing with it all, but I'm always trying to make sense of it, & feel like I need to even though I don't want to!

As you can probably tell I'm going through a bad patch with my mum. Put the phone down on her this morning. Sometimes she wants to see me, DD & my DH regularly & play happy families, whilst still being toxic. Other times she sulks & rejects us. She made DH feel so miserable about himself the other week because he didn't fancy a steam train trip with my Dad & my brother, they invited him along with them but he's more of a footy fan & declined as it would mean taking a day's holiday & traveling 2 hours each way. Well mum lost the plot, made him feel like he'd let the whole family down (my family that is, not even his own!) & how could he possibly not want to go on a steam train - what was wrong with him?! I stuck up for DH & my dad did too, so did my brother when my mum phoned him to create drama & complain about my DH. But she won't stop banging on about it, she gets these weird obsessions about these perfect family images, she keeps bringing it up & poor DH who has his own toxic mother issues & is having CBT, had 3 sleepless nights over it all feeling like a huge disappointment to the family.

She can't bear not controlling everything, so next she played the victim to regain some control. Everyone is against her, we're all so mean & ungrateful, she is such a martyr etc. I was ill for a couple of days last Monday & did the unthinkable of not making my usual phone call to tell her what my plans were for the week - she sulks if she doesn't know exactly what I'm doing. When I did then phone her on Wednesday night to say shall I pop round as usual on Thursday with DD to see her & my Dad, she was v short with me because I hadn't phoned here earlier in the week, & when I said I'd been ill she said well so was she & anyway she had a friend coming to visit her on Thursday - I could come round if I really wanted, but she wouldn't be able to devote much time to me or DD - her 2 year old grandchild! I said ok no problem, feeling a bit miffed as we always go see them on a Thurs & you know how they make you feel that rejection, but also relieved I wouldn't have to go & endure any toxic comments, behaviour etc or her poor me routine.

She knew I had a hen do to go to Friday night & Saturday, but left me a voicemail with her usual response when God forbid I don't pick up - "you never answer your phone! when you get TIME could you phone me back please!". I was v busy with the hen do so only phoned her back this morning - so again, v short & terse with me - then said how disappointed her & her friend were that I hadn't taken DD round to see them on Thursday! Totally denied what she'd said about not being able to spend time with us that day, said I imagined things & was oversensitive, take everything the wrong way & she can never do anything right - all because I dared to stand up to her. She said not to bother coming round for our usual visit to them this afternoon as it was "too cold" outside = the usual rejection & sulking after I've not done as I'm told or have stood up to her. I just put the phone down. My beautiful DD was looking at me, a bit worried & confused by this conversation I was having, & DH heard my raised voice so came into the room. I don't want this behaviour rubbing off on my DD, I hate what it's done to me & am so desperate not to expose her to it. When I saw her taking it all in & looking worried, I just said I had to go & hung up. DD immediately cuddled & kissed me & she KNEW something was wrong, she said "mummy better" & I had to bite my lips not to cry in front of her.

Now I know I won't hear from my mum for days, & if / when she does make the first phone call, she will play the wounded victim again.

OMG reading back on your Mothers Day comments - I always go & choose a really soppy card with hundreds of verses about how amazing she is - because if she doesn't get one like that she acts all disappointed & gets upset! Next year maybe I'll be brave enough to get a plain & simple card. She also complained this year not to get a Grandmother card from my DD. Usually she expects & asks to be taken to a posh restaurant for lunch on Mothers Day, but this year she was ill with food poisoning ironically!! Sorry for the rant, I'm just having a bad day, & sorry for any spelling mistakes, got to sign off as DD has just woken up! Stay strong ladies, we all help each other xx

beabea
I knew Prince Edward when I was at school - all my men have been downhill from there

Mothers day card - I get silly blank ones and write a personal comment. It seems to work better.

Communication : I've become a big fan of email followed up with a short phone call every three to four weeks. More than that and she and I start to fight. I know why my Dad let her divorce him!

Hi everyone, I got a bit confused over where the latest Stately Homes thread was lurking, is this the right one? I've been reading with interest for a while as I have a fairly toxic & a definite Narc mother.

I just don't know where to start really. She has engulfed me since I was born, my older brother has been more the golden child, & me the scapegoat, although she does alternate these roles depending on how she's feeling & which of us has said or done something to displease her!

I'm just so tired of it all now at the age of 32, & with my precious 2 year old DD in the world now who I want to protect.

She has made me dependent on her in some ways, which I hate, my parents only live 10 mins away & over the years I've relied on them for financial help & also physical help at times due to my health problems. I can't avoid seeing her as they live so close by, since our last fall out over the phone on Sunday, we haven't spoken & it's a stand off til one of us makes the first move. So I feel a big dark cloud looming over me at the moment.

I know I can't change her, but how do I start changing the way I deal with her when we live so close & she's part of my weekly life? I almost feel like I have to start playing a new role, seeing her as the child & me as the mature grown up? Then trying not to take the bait & doing what my dad has always told me to do - ignore her, lol!

Help please?!

Only got a minute bea but I would advise your first step is to do nothing and not make the first move. use this opportunity of a fight to lay down your new ground rules. It's what worked with my narc/engulfing mother ultimately and helped me get a bit away from the FOG. I had a long thread about it, she sounds quite similar to mine in some ways...making me dependent, engulfing then stropping off and me always running after her to make it up.

Bea we're in a similar situation. My mum and dad both live 5 mins away. I actually moved to be near them!!! I must be mad! I havn't spoken to my dad for a month now. Still barely speakibg to mum. I rely on them for help with childcare alot and they mess me about. I wish i could afford childcare so i didn't have to ask them. My dad is now quite ill and i've been blamed for that. My brother too is the golden child and i have been written out of their will. My advice is to go and ask your doctor for councilling. I have taken this step to try abd seperate out my feelings and dependency issues surrounding my parents. I think we have to find a way to break free and not seek there approval anymore. Or thats my issues anyway.