"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's March 2013, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/angry/hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/lifetime experiences of being hurt/angry etc by our parents? behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's. 

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth. 

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0553814826/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0553814826&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.</a>

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly use it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Alice Miller</a>

<a class="break-all" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Personality Disorders definition</a>

More helpful links:

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Daughters of narcissistic mothers</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://outofthefog.net/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Out of the FOG</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">You carry the cure in your own heart</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Help for adult children of child abuse</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.pete-walker.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Pete Walker</a>

Some books:

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0749910542/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0749910542&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Homecoming</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1439129436/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=1439129436&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Will I ever be good enough?</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0060929324/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0060929324&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">If you had controlling parents</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0385304234/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0385304234&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">When you and your mother can't be friends</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1572245611/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=1572245611&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Children of the self-absorbed</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0671701355/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0671701355&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Recovery of your inner child</a>

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Happy Posting (smithfield posting as therealsmithfield)

Hi all, not been posting for a while as am low contact with DM (more out of sight out of mind TBH) and therefore not been stressed out but it?s all ramping up again and I need a little vent.

DM lives in Europe and for our summer hols we are planning to do some touring, and building our itinerary around spending a few days with her. Spoke on the phone last night and attempted to manage expectations ? where a ?normal? person would say ?great, let me know your plans, happy to have you whenever?? I got the entitled claptrap demanding that we go for at least 10 days ?as it?s her holiday too?. So that went well.

Then was told that I should not be so PFB and I should "let" my DC (aged 9 and 6) go to and stay with her by themselves as ?everyone else looks after their DGC over summer?. I replied that as DM lived 600 miles away and I didn?t trust her to look after them, that was never going to happen. What I wanted to add was ?as I would worry for their safety and care as you drink too much? but couldn?t form the words. DM responded with a marvellously self centred, entitled and pathetic attack on me, DH and our approach to parenting, really reinforcing why I like being low contact.

So looking forward to the holiday now!

Meery

I would not be spending any time whatsoever with your narcissistic sounding mother who drinks too much. If she is too difficult to deal with she is certainly too toxic for your children to be anywhere near. It is to your credit that you said no to her unreasonable request to have your children to stay with her.

Europe is a big place and you are really under no obligation to visit your mother at all. Infact I would not see her at all anyway now due to her recent outburst. Her behaviour is typical toxic parent i.e go on the attack when confronted.

Maybe going no contact with her will be a way forward for you ultimately.

BTW my son is not going to be looked after by my parents during the summer so her assertion re everyone else is doing so is frankly bull.

trapezegirl you are in the right place of understanding your post resonated with me. Your parents sound bloody awful and i hope you are finding the road to recovery. I think it is a long process. I have found some suggested books really helpful but they are hard going at times whoever said the truth hurts was very insightful. You want to know its not your fault but when you realise that you are no longer in denial and that means dealing with the pain and sadness of cruelty and neglect because i think the denial helps to shield us. Me and DH are trying and have put it off for years as we felt we were too screwed up by family to be good parents we have decided to stay NC if we have a child as we rationalise that if they are not good enough for us why would they be good enough for our child.

Thank you all so so much for your responses. I feel selfish wanting to keep her away, even though rationally I know it?s not selfish because it?s not just about me! And even if it was, maybe that would be okay? But I find it hard to let myself believe that. I?ve read through some of the posts on here and I want to say: ?Well, of course you shouldn?t feel obliged to spend time with them?? but I feel differently about my own toxic mother for some insane reason.

I?m also terrified I could turn into her. I'm going to have a look at some of the books people have recommended, but I'm a bit too hormonal and strung out right now.

Attila many thanks for your calming and wise words, just what I needed to bring me back down. I think that I am probably wallowing in the FOG (well certainly the OG part!) that you have written about so eloquently elsewhere on MN. I also hope that by knowing this I can hone my coping strategies. I just feel so guilty for my DC sometimes when I see their friends having an apparently normal healthy relationship with GPs.

Trapezegirl forgot to say hi and congrats on your pregnancy!

BACKGROUND - I got married to a farmer's son when I was 18 and he was given 1/3rd of his family farm as a wedding "present". He then died (Sudden Adult Death Syndrome) and the 1/3rd was left to me. I wanted (needed) 1/3 of the farm assets but his folks offered me 1/3 of the farm income. This figure was complete fiction and was thanks to their tame accountant. The first offer I was made by them was under £10,000 per year and it took ages for them to realise that my 1/3 share meant 1/3 of the assets which was a totally different situation. Lots of nastiness followed and the offer I finally accepted was the farmhouse plus the 8 acres around it.

MIL and FIL were never friendly to me. Not nasty but as if I didn?t count. I always felt that I was on trial and they were just waiting for me to fall. When I was widowed they seemed to assume that the Will could just be ignored and that I would either move away and out of their lives or I would agree to living in a 1 room bed-sit in the farmhouse with them ?generously? paying me about £200 per week. They wanted all sorts of rules about parking spaces and when I could cook and things like that. It got very nasty and almost threatening sometimes.

Because I had the help of my own family I didn?t feel bullied just cross. But MIL and FIL were about as dysfunctional as anybody I know!

Could anyone give me some advice please as i'm unsure what to do.

As you all know there is an awful toxic background concerning pil and i have gone nc again since seeing mil in May. Previous to this i & dc were nc for various reasons.

I was hoping we could just stop seeing her & that would be that but she is on the warpath again, while i was in bath last night she phoned landline & dhs phone of which he didn't answer, only for me to recieve a fb message of her last night asking to visit with the usual woh is me i haven't seen you all since bla bla clap trap. She always does this when celebrations are approaching, its dh bday this weekend

Do i ignore the message, dh doesn't want me to?
Do i message her back explaining me & dc don't wan't to see her?
Fwiw i don't want all this again, she makes us all so unhappy

Hi PumpkinSweetie,

I would block her from your FB account as of now. Raise your privacy settings. Alternative delete yourself from FB entirely.

Contacting her at all gives her a way in; silence from you is now necessary.

Your DH is still very much in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mother. His primary loyalty however, should be with his own family unit i.e you and his children now.

If you go NC you need to remain NC however; no going back. Also I have read some more details about your toxic PILs and you need to remain NC with them, particularly the FIL. Your DH was cast as and remains the scapegoat within that family for all their inherent ills.

If she continues in such a vein I would seriously consider speaking to a Solicitor re harassment.

Thankyou very much attilla
I thought ignoring her would be best, thanks for reminding me about letting her in, as i see exactly what you mean as it gives her more ammunizion to carry on her plight!

Thing is dh will not like it, his reaction will not be good, ie moodswings, wineing etc but tbh once she's in touch it's like that anyway.
I always hope he will see the light, he does for a short while and then he falls back under the fog again

I will ignore mil for now and if she approaches me on there again or harrasses dh i will block her without guilt. Dh thinks if i ignore her i will make it worse, what he really means is that she will ramp up her contact with him, tough i don't have to put up with her. He needs to ignore her !

Well mil has asked dh to accompoiny her on a trip to the supermarket, i'm not happy atall as dh has taken my 2yo dd with him, he assured me fil will not be in the vicinity. I'm not happy at all!! He coaxed dd into going so much so she was desperate to go out the door!
He has gone to far now and i'm very angry and upset, if i hear fil was anywhere near that supermarket, he is out the door birthday tomorrow or not, i'm livid beyond words.

Even if it is only mil, she will have him under a deeper fog before he gets back when i have just paid for us to go to the cinema tonight, my dm is babysitting. He doesn't realise what he is doing, he is leading himself up for more hurt and throwing my dc into it for good measure.

When will he see the light, will it ever happen? Mil will be slagging me off as we speak and trying to weadle/beg dh to a ticket back into our lifes!

I f*ing hate that family, with a passion, every birthday, anniversary of any kind they ruin each & every time and dh falls for it hook line and sinker. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and don't need this stress right now not to mention the realisation we may need to break up as i don't think i can do this again and again and again.

Sorry for all this rambling, i am just so stressed and very angry dh doesn't give a shit what affect this may have on me & baby

I need to lay down the law, but how can i do it and get him on my side?
I'm losing patience and completely lacking compassion for him as its i who ultimately suffers because he won't man up.
I'm not saying he cannot see his parents but i want him to realise that i & dc have a right not to see, hear off or speak to these people. But each and everytime normally approaching a celebration it's all ramped up!

Can't speak to anyone in rl, they don't understand

He is back from being with being with mil & boy is he depressive and sulky
He wants to go and see her tommorrow (she didn't give him bday prez or money)....i despair i really do

Pumpkin Sweetie,

Firstly wrt FB, do not consider what you are going to do when MIL approaches you on there next time, block her NOW. There is no point in leaving this means of communication open to her; it does you no favours.

and secondly, I am sorry that your DH is going through the FOG and the impact it is having on you and the rest of the family. Do you think she withheld his birthday gift on purpose in order to control him visiting her again?

Not helpful I know, I don't know what to suggest; he needs to see the toxicity for himself, man up and start setting boundaries that support you and your family. Hopefully someone more adept at dealing with toxic families will come along with some better advice.

Thanks meery yes i think she has witholded it purposely as there are plenty of atms at the supermarket and as she planned meeting him any normal person would have liked their son to recieve it before their birthday. He has finally cheered up now and we had a lovely evening at the cinema, but he is off to pil tomorrow at some point in hope of his birthday money...

She has commented on one of my statuses today regarding growing vege in my garden and said i should get some from fil allotment, my gosh its time to block or atleast hide her. Like i want anything from fil pffft

I'm glad he has cheered up for your trip to the cinema.

There is no easy answers to this at all. It's a very frustrating situation for you. It's hard. What sort of things does your mil say to your dh when your not around? If she does fill his head with the sly digs or out and out direct moaning about you then when he comes to you if your saying things about her even just the " you don't want to see his mum" and not allow kids to see her, even though you have every reason to feel this way he will still end up confused because he feels he's in the middle and he's trying to please her and trying to please you. He will go through feelings of thinking your trying to do his mum out of seeing the grankids usually when he's been with her and she's made him feel bad then he will go back to thinking he totally gets why you don't want her to see the kids. Your husband is like being pulled two ways. To some degree I have been pulled two ways but my mum doesn't really say much about my husband now she used to make lots of digs which had me questioning my relationship with him and sometimes the words of her still ring in my ears normally if I'm having an argument with him. Eg she said he's controlling. That's laughable when she's the one that does all this controlling thing more than anybody! My husband doesn't like my mum . He doesn't like to see her to so I know that but if I wanted him to he would. Although I would respect him if he said he never wanted to see her again which he has said but usually in an argument, normally if we have discussed her. As for the kids well that's a difficult one. He will be badgered a lot about grankids from his mum. Does your husband not know about your FIL? Why does he think it's okay to have him around the kids?

What mil says to dh is never quite known but after seeing her he is very cold/off towards me aswell as snappy & depressive, after seeing her he can be like it for days, sometimes up to a week! I do know on many occasions when in contact with mil, fil has said he hates me & mil has made off hand comments about my dd from a prev relationship as dh finally admitted it a month after seeing them- this had a knock on effect on my dd as dh started treating her differently, (he normally treats her as his own)

Dh knows fil has tried taking our dc for naps when we used to visit mil and one day the whole family (aunt, sils, fil, mil) ,at a Easter event bear enough begged me to let fil to nap with my dc. Found this very disturbing and quite frankly surreal, surpless to say i haven't visited the pil since that day. Fil is a nasty manipulitive man who beat dh as a child and i cant be sure whether he was also abused sexually due to the napping thing, it took long enough for dh open up about being beating so whether there is more skelentons in the closet i'm yet to know

Fil is verbally abusive and has caused showdowns in the past even in my own home previously, when in contact. Everyone is scared of him & when he used to come to my home, ge would trip my dc up and call my other dd a boy to wind her up, aswell as get the other dc riled leaving them hyper and upset before bedtime.

Mil on the other hand seemed a nice person from the offset but it became obvious what a nasty person she is over the years, at first it was subtle then as more time went on the digs at dh, the different treatment towards him compared to his sisters was very noticable, even regarding gifts at xmas/birthdays. The treatment of my dc when in contact and sils dc was completely different: she would babysit for sil frequently and constantly talk and buy for them but not mine! Mine were lucky to get from the sale if at all, but re babysitting, looking back i'm glad she never offered due to fil and her toxicity.
Obviously the fact also remains she must have witnessed dh be beaten by fil, there is no way she couldn't have known although dh is adiment mil was not at the house atall when it happened
Mil used to tell and talk off my dd from a prev rel as looking chinese and being non blood & boy looking infront of her and mentioned once that she looks diff to rest of family-this caused a lot of probs, as my dd only knew dh as her father at that time and it led me to telling her earlier than i wanted to who her father was!
This was main reason for nc aswell as fil re napping!
At first dh threatened to leave me for stopping gc contact wil pil but i more or less gave him an ultimatum, i had too-Either he allows me nc with them or he leaves. He chose me but obviously he could still see pil if wanted. For 10 months this went well almost, except birthdays and christmas when pil ramped up the pressure on him causing ructions and arguments between us, but i did not give in once.
Then i made the mistake of allowing mil one visit, basically i felt guilt towards her-On the visit mil still couldn't put my dc first, she bought her other gc with her and continually mentioned her other gc throughout the visit. She also went against the promise fil wouldn't come near my house and instead of getting a taxi had fil drop her to my door! Dh was depressive after the visit and didn't seem to have enjoyed seeing her, dc weren't fussed and spent most of the time upstairs (they hate her). Needless to say i put off any future visits, but of course that is now causing trouble between me & dh as he is now blinded to it again and cannot see what they have done wrong and feels his mother is losing out on her gc and of course like any adult, loves his mother.
I understand why he loves her despite everything but he needs to get back to realising this happy family he wishes for can only be achieved with his own little family, us

She witholds his & childrens money/gifts on birthdays and christmas since nc to use as a ploy to get him round their home.
At christmas i & dc were unfussed about the xmas gifts as we don't want anything from them, but pil used the xmas gifts as a ploy for 4 months constantly reminding dh by txt message if the dc want the gifts they must go round to get them. Dh constantly tried to retrieve the gifts on his monthly visits but was always told no, he obviously got upset about this and the blame was focused on me, dh constantly told me its my fault kids couldn't have their gifts, i didn't care.
Fast forward 4 months after christmas fil turned up on our doorstep with a giant sack full of christmas gifts for my dc! Kids were elated and thought pil were fucking wonderful, the gifts were in boxs that were damp and smelt where pil had stored them in the shed!
Of course dh was like "my parents are so lovely are you going to thank them pumpkin?" Wtaf !!
My gift was an old bracelet that used to be mils own that said "mother of the bride" inside it- obviously she didn't want it since sil was now divorced! Dh expected me to thank her for it
So april and my front room looked like a mess and i had to recycle all te smelly boxes and listen to the children saying how pils were the best thing since sliced bread and dh being pissed of because i wouldn't thank pil
Since then the same thing has happened with dc birthday, they withold which causes upset to dh and then when they get loaded down with stuff they finally relent
Wish they wouldn't bother!

Now mil is pushing for visits which causes dh to be stuck as piggy in the middle wondering what side to be on.

There is so much more to write but it would fill the thread

Hello, I've posted my story on the relationship board 'BPD and my mother' if anyone wants a read.

Not sure I am in the right place because I don't know if I've managed to 'survive' them yet, but hello all the same.

Hi filee777, I've been reading your other thread & am so pleased you've headed over here as you will find we understand how you feel. I have only posted a couple of times but lurked on & off for ages and this place has been a lifeline at times when I've needed somewhere safe to retreat, hopefully you'll find the support you need here, welcome.

Hello all. Does anyone have any guidance for a sibling treated v differently than other (full blood, if relevant) siblings and not understanding why - finding that impacting on relationships as an adult

Thank you butterfly those are very kind words I hope we can all help each other when needed

Hi fillee777 i have just read your thread, my heart goes out to you what an awful upbringing
Hope someone comes along with some advice for you soon x

Mil is closing in again and has now started ringing my landline, which is odd especially on a sunday. Wonder what she wanted, can only guess, probably a moan about wanting to see the dc. I just let it ring, dh was busy in the garden, i told him i wont be answering the telephone to her.

Thanks pumpkin. Sorry you have such trouble with your mil, mine is a tosser too, she refused to acknowledge my still born daughter, announcing in a loud voice 'when am I going to get some granddaughters! When we told her that our rainbow baby was a boy.

She also failed to tell husbands relatives that we had lost a baby so we got 'when is the baby due, your mum says your getting on really well' messages over New Years.

It was horrendous and what's worse is how husband behaves about it, she just treated me like shit at the worst possible time in my life and he just let her.

Was horrid, I won't speak to her either.

Oh filee that is awful, sorry for your loss x

Hi pumpkin. How's dh after his birthday? Can't believe that he chose not to spend it with HIS family ie you and his dc.

Good on you for continuing to block calls . Stay strong

Thanyou meery he came home at 3 in the end and seemed to be in a better mood than he is usually like having been round pil. Maybe he knows i won't put up with it, or maybe it went well, who knows.

Dh said to me today he doesn't deserve me and how do i put up with him, he then went on to say he was really sorry for the way he has been acting lately and that he doesn't mean to be mean. He did go on to say he is proud of our dc and would like his mother to see them occasionally and said he thought the last meeting went well-To which i said i cannot allow it as the only one that will benefit would be mil as it upsets him when she has been & the children have done fine not seeing ils for 10months so they will do fine again without the ils seeing them.
I left the conversation at that as i dont want to upset him further but i won't be having any future contact.

Oh filee so sorry to hear about your MIL, I'll never understand how some people react the way they do, I'm sorry for your loss. Keep reading & posting here, I'm sure it will help you greatly.

CrossWords I'm assuming you've been treated badly compared to a sibling? Please correct me if I'm wrong. I know what it's like to have been the 'scapegoat' while my brother was the 'golden child' and the huge impact it's had on my relationships, you have my support as I know how it feels. The book 'Toxic Parents' which was recommended on here may be useful, I found it difficult reading but suddenly everything fell into place, if you've read it apologies but if not you might find it a good place to start. If it helps you I feel my experiences have made me stronger, helped my marriage and also made me a far better mother than I would have been so in a weird way I'm in a place where I'm grateful for the dysfunctional family I grew up in. It has taken a lot of time & tears to get to this place mind you but every cloud has a silver lining. Take care.