Coming to terms with an affair

[BettySuarez]

Im looking for a link to a piece of advice that was posted on here a few months ago. It was aimed at adulterers I think in understanding the process that their partners may be going through.

I would like to forward this to a friend if possible as she is trying to come to terms with her husbands infidelity.

Can anyone remember seeing this or know where I might find it?

Also, how do define an affair. Does it make a difference if the affair wasn't physical?

I'm referring to someone who met someone else in secret several times over a period of a few months. With intimate photos being shared. Is this an affair or not?

Thank you x

I can't help with the piece you've mentioned but, from what you've said, your friend's h very definitely engaged in what is commonly termed an illicit 'affair' whereby he had relations with an ow.

It may be that his affair was emotional rather than physical but IMO, given it's duration and the fact they 'met in secret' several times and 'shared intimate photos', only the credulous or gullible would be willing to believe he did not have sexual intercourse with the ow during their liaisons.

Thanks izzy

She refers to it as his 'almost' affair and I'm trying to get her to stop minimising it. Not sure if I should though? Who knows whether it was sexual or not.

She is really struggling (they are still together) but she feels that five months on, she should be feeling better about it.

Sorry not sure what the link is,and can only give you my take on what constitutes an affair.My DH developed a friendship with an OW from work that I had heard of in passing,met myself only a couple of times and thought she was just one of a group of women he crossed paths with in the course of running his business on a certain area.
It transpired they were meeting almost every weekday for lunchtime chats, for several months,texting daily at least 15/20 texts per day between meet ups.She knew all about my family and some of the problems we were going through ie.certain family problems with health and our business.I knew nothing about her and her family.And the text messages had become sexually explicit just before her DH found out.So no physical sex but heading that way no doubt.
When I confronted her she said it was 'just a bit of fun'.My DH woke up with a massive jolt and realised it was something I regarded, and always would as an affair.It was the total secrecy ,when I'd always been very relaxed about his other truly platonic friendships,that blew my world and nearly our marriage apart.
Everyone is different.We did recover and the book Not Just Friends was recommended to me and helped.As did counselling.I have forgiven but will never forget and it's changed me forever.
Wishing your friend all the best and other wiser people will be along and direct you to that thread hopefully.

If she places a high value on trust, loyalty, and fidelity in a marriage, it seems to me your friend should be facing the fact that it's probable she's never going to 'feel better' about her h dicking around, in actuality or otherwise, with an ow.

If she continues in this marriage, she'll take the knowledge of his duplicity forward and may find she no longer has any peace of mind when he's out of sight - and precious little ease when he's sat in front of her.

Could it be that she's reflecting his view that she should be 'over it'? Have she and her h embarked on joint counselling with Relate or similar?

Just seen it was 5 months ago.Its been 2 plus years for me and I still think about it,and feel a dull ache of sadness.But muchless so and much less frequently.My DH indulged himself with the excitement of a secretive relationship for many months.I was never going to recover almost overnight and he / we had some serious work to do to repair the damage.
Please reassure your friend as long as she's not continually throwing back in her DHs face ,and he is doing everything possible to show he is sorry things can gradually recover.But there's no time limit on these things, and shattered trust takes a longtime to be regained.

Thank you slippersocks x

It was a thread where someone linked to the article. I think it was a list along the lines of 'this is how your partner will be feeling right now and this is what you must do to support them'

I thought it would help her to see it as I think she needs some validation for her feelings and to also formulate some 'bare minimum' expectations of her DH.

Hopefully someone will remember it.

Best wishes for you and what you have gone through x

Might you mean this?

She might also want to get Shirley Glass: Not Just Friends. Even if there was no sexual aspect to the affair, secret meetings, deception and emotional intimacy are huge betrayals.

Izzy - I get the impression that her DH is sympathetic of her feelings but is not exactly being proactive in working through the impact. A sense that it is 'in the past' so to speak,

Meditrina - thank you so much, that's the one . Brilliant, thank you xxx

I hope it helps. Repairing betrayal is the work of years - and that's if it goes well with both partners committed to a future together. If he does not grasp the damage he is done, reconciliation will be hard, if not impossible.