Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Breaking up with BF

11 replies

kallima · 03/03/2013 17:29

Please can I get some objective advice on this situation as my head is like mush:

BF and I dated for 2 years. Very intense relationship, felt like there was a lot of 'need' on both sides, if you know what I mean. He had just come out of a 7 year relationship and I knew deep down he was likely to be on the rebound, but decided to give it a go.

Relationship was a mixture of genuinely wonderful happy times and frustrating shite times. It was usually me who because frustrated because I wanted him to commit to me, and he wouldn't fully, and I got more and more anxious. We nearly moved in together after 18 months and then we didnt, and a few months later he decided he would move into mine for a little while and then we would look for somewhere together. This was literally just before we went on a big holiday over xmas.

Holiday was fantastic, had an amazing time. Got on really well (but we generally do when the pressure is off - it was the overall commitment anxiety that dragged us/me down). It was a trip of a life time and we were away for 4 weeks.

We got back at the beginning of Jan. A week later I ended it becuase I felt I couldnt live with the anxiety anymore, so nearly 2 months ago now. He didnt contest my decision at all, and just left to go and live with his parents.

For the first month we had no contact except a couple of polite texts arranging for him to come and collect his stuff. I made sure I was out when he came over which I felt was for the best for me. Then about 10 days ago he came over for the last of his stuff and I decided I would stay and see him. The minute he walked in we both bawled our heads off. He stayed for a couple of hours and during that time I felt we were really connected (in our misery!). He has got his own place now living on his own, which I was pleasantly surprised about as he always seemed really dependent and quite scared about living on his own. Also was a bit of a manchild and thought he needed a pat on the head every time he washed up or cooked a sausage which irritated me. So I thought him living on his own was great. We said we wanted to be friends (and meant it I believe) and he asked me to go over to see his new place.

So that was 10 day ago. I was supposed to go over last weekend but I couldnt face it because I just knew I would struggle to remain okay after it, and not just want to get back together. I've spent the last 10 days feeling really low and crying all the time but something in me is stopping me from going back. We had no contact all week, which I expected, and then he texted today to ask if I was coming over, which surprised me, I thought he'd leave it up to me (he doesnt usually take the lead). I still can't face the potential so I said I'd made other plans and tried to sound all cheery etc. and we sent a few chatty messages and that was it.

So what my question is - I totally believe us being apart is the 'right' thing at the moment. Our relationship needed space and we are getting that. But I can't stop feeling that we might still have a chance, and I dont know if I'm being a fool and just preventing myself from accepting the breakup and moving on? Any thoughts?

I'm 32, nearly 33. Would like kids. He is 34.

OP posts:
claudedebussy · 03/03/2013 17:33

it's clear to me that you want to settle down with him and have kids.

but what does he want for the future?

i think if you want to resolve this you have to find out and then accept his answer. if he's not into kids then you'd do best to move on.

claudedebussy · 03/03/2013 17:34

hmm didn't really mean settle down with him, but rather you want to settle down and have children.

Original poster
kallima · 03/03/2013 18:01

I dont know. I pretty much know he feels he's not ready to settle down yet. But then I dont know how much of that is influenced by my behaviour in the relationship. For example - I do want to settle down - but I think I come across as a bit desperate now - which I think is off-putting and very pressurising. I'm not very good at waiting and want certainty very quickly, and get very anxious in the relationship when I dont have that. I'm no good at just letting things happen, if you know what I mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
kallima · 03/03/2013 18:01

I mean he told me he found it off-putting and pressuring. Rather than I just thought this.

OP posts:
CastroIsDead · 03/03/2013 22:38

if he didn't commit in 2years he probably won't. i have been in a similar situation its hard when you have good times between you but i think you should let him go. i regret waiting 3 years for commitment from my ex i realise now he was never going to be a partner

Finwort · 03/03/2013 22:43

I tend to agree that he's unlikely to commit now.
The best advice I can give is to accept that it's over, and agree to have no contact with each other for at least six months. I'm not saying you can't be friends eventually, but honestly, the more you contact and see each other at the moment, the harder it is to break the bond between you.
Time apart may even bring you back together closer, but don't bank on that.

CastroIsDead · 03/03/2013 22:44

i was anxious all the time aswel and became a person i didn't want to be. we got into a vicious cycle. same as you we have tried to stay friends. don't get into a situation where you are settling for less than you want from him. i think about cutting my ex off completely because i wanted more than friends whereas being friends suits him just fine doesn't seem fair really

claudedebussy · 04/03/2013 08:28

honestly, as hard as it is, you'd do better to move on and find someone who is ready to settle down. there's no telling whether this guy will ever be ready.

don't stay in contact with this guy. you're prolonging the misery. from his point of view he's got nothing to lose. you do.

Helltotheno · 04/03/2013 08:40

You want to settle down, he doesn't. That's the first fundamental disconnect which should tell you it's time to move on. Also, all those other things about him that irritate, they do get much worse you know....

FWIW, he sounds like a bit of a mummy's boy and I think you can do better.

Walkacrossthesand · 04/03/2013 08:43

If he was able to offer what you need, and he knows you want - commitment - he would be stepping towards you now, asking for it. he isn't, is he, and no amount of you wanting him to, will make him. I sympathise - I walked away from an otherwise lovely relationship because the guy absolutely refused, after 3+ years, to consider a future together, although we were both devastated at splitting up. Stop contact completely, come to terms with 'what might have been' and good luck for the future.

Original poster
kallima · 04/03/2013 09:46

Thanks everyone. I know you are right. It's just letting go of that last little bit. I felt so good when I originally ended it, really empowered, and now that just seems to have petered out as I face life without him (and a crap period of pain getting over him).

I guess I thought/hoped that because he seemed so devestated when I saw him, that it could mean there was something still there. I'll let go of it now.

Fucking wanky twatty men.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page