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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you come to terms with the one that got away?

15 replies

Smetana · 03/03/2013 15:50

I was with someone for a short but very intense relationship that would have been a long distance relationship (a very LDR) at least for the time being. We both claimed to be in love with each other, and I just "knew" he was right for me, and I was happier in that short period than I'd ever been. When we went back home, he eventually told me he had feelings for an ex, and has since got back with that ex.

7 or so months on, I've met someone new. It's going slowly, but he makes me laugh, he makes me feel good, but I recognise that it isn't that tempestuous grand passion that I felt for this ex. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.

My friends told me the ex was just a shit, and he did treat me badly, but although we don't contact each other, there's a part of me that recognises that we did truly have a wonderful blissful relationship for the short time we were together?

Have others had a similar situation? Rather than viewing him as a bastard as a lot of my friends want me to do, can I hold on to the idea that we truly did have something special, but it just wasn't to be? Can I keep this idea, and move on with my life?

OP posts:

TomDudgeon · 03/03/2013 16:14

Yes you can (your last paragraph)

dippymother · 03/03/2013 16:22

I have been in a similar situation and was absolutely devastated when he said the long distance was stressing him out and he needed "space" (160 miles). I tried to move on, started dating other men but I probably needed to get this ex out of my mind and that was difficult. We did maintain a "friendly" contact and we even tried once again to make it work. It finally dawned on me that the "grand passion" was all one sided. I was putting in all the effort, with very little in return and that eventually killed the love I had for him. This ex wasn't nice to me a lot of the time, but I kept making excuses for his bad behaviour. All my friends thought the ex was a bastard, but in the end I had to find that out for myself, as you need to. It took me at least 18 months to see him for what he was - something my friends saw within the first month or so.

I have met another man and it is completely different this time. He cares as much as I do and we both put in an equal amount of effort into the relationship. He is kind and caring and we love each other very much.

I think you should move on, especially as your ex seems to and you've met someone else too. One day you'll realise that the ex was not worth agonising over if the feeling wasn't mutual.

Original poster

Smetana · 03/03/2013 16:27

I find it difficult to think of him as the bastard - distance-wise we were talking thousands of miles, not a few hundred, so it would have been a real slog, but I don't think he was lying for that short period we were together

OP posts:

bestsonever · 03/03/2013 16:30

Yes, but it might be easier to move on if you can accept that a sudden passionate rush is likely a pheromone compatibility but does not mean a happy ever after. Unfortunately, the higher the passion the less likely we are to recognise where other things are not right. Long and short of it is that if you were perfect for each other, you would still be together. Doesn't mean you can't look back and smile at the good bit's from time to time, though seeing the imperfections too rather than dreaming of a perfect fantasy, helps us learn for the future.

Hissy · 03/03/2013 16:32

The 'great' bit that you saw in the short time you were with him were FAKE, only there to reel you in.

Thank GOD you are without him now, you would have lost your friends, your life and your self esteem had you still stayed there.

he is not the one that got away, he was an idiot, a bad man. Your friends saw through him.

I understand the missing the intensity thing, but that is your instincts SCREAMING at you love. The relationship you describe now seems NORMAL, healthy and contented. It has longevity, it has legs and you are a part of a couple, not a fan club of the idiot who you knew before.

Everything happens for a reason, especially relationships. That man taught you what NOT to go for, it wasn't right and it would never have worked.

We have people come into our lives to show us things sometimes, and if you cling onto the one you have when he/she is destined to move on, then we won't see the lesson we need to learn next.

If a relationship ends, it hurts, yes, but it is ending because it wasn't meant to me. Let go, relax and understand that as long as you are yourself in a relationship, that is the best you can be, and is good enough.

Original poster

Smetana · 03/03/2013 16:51

That's what everyone wants me to think, but I'm not sure I can bring myself to really think that. I'm happy with my current relationship, and although it's early days, I feel very secure with that person.

OP posts:

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 03/03/2013 17:06

I think that very occasionally somebody can really get 'under our skin'. You will never forget him, and only you know the reasons why you had such strong feelings for him and why he really rocked your boat like no other.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 03/03/2013 17:07

Should be 'floated your boat'!!

Original poster

Smetana · 03/03/2013 17:10

I do see the two interpretations - so I see where Hissy (and many of my friends) is coming from. Thanks. I think rather than he being a bastard, it was a holiday romance (of sorts) that could never work because of all the complications

OP posts:

SwedishEdith · 03/03/2013 17:15

I agree that this wasn't a "one that got away" because he eventually told me he had feelings for an ex, and has since got back with that ex. His feelings for you were shallow and temporary. I'm sorry, but you need to see that clearly and then you'll move on. I think it's easy to become addicted to that feeling and think that it means something. It doesn't mean the new guy is right for you either but it doesn't mean he's not either.

Lavenderhoney · 03/03/2013 17:25

If it was a holiday romance type thing then it's caught up with holiday feelings, no day to day baggage etc, so I guess it's easy to just concentrate on each other. So meeting like this and the heady short time together didn't have time for you to perhaps take a step back and think " well...."
He hasn't treated you badly in that he told you he was moving on.

Just put it down to experience, try not to rewrite history or mention this great imagined love to your new chap. He might feel like he is competing endlessly and you wish you were with someone else.

I have a few ex's who were princes of darkness and i adored ( young and foolish) but now I just thank god I am not with them and I can spot someone like that a mile off now. And I would not even give them my phone number, let alone allow them to mess with my head.

Hissy · 03/03/2013 17:42

I think that you were on a different path in the 'relationship' than he was. You clearly invested more heavily in emotion, but he hadn't.

He bailed, as he wasn't into you, was honest about it and ended it, before things went too far, but you clearly had got further down that 'Far' path than him.

You needed to have this relationship work, for whatever reason personal to you, but he wasn't yet there. He did have some things going on in the background, but it perhaps appears that you were pinning hopes, perhaps too many of them, on him being The One.

It is possible to have people get under your skin, and if they don't care as much about you, as you think you do about them, anything less than glass slippers and a happy ending is going to hurt.

The feelings you have for him are merely surprise, disappointment that it ended sooner than you hoped it would. You perhaps did too much future planning in your head, made it a done deal, and when it didn't turn out like that you got hurt. With LDR it's very easy to imagine the relationship the way you want it to be, they are perfect partners, never burp, fart or have annoying habits, they are perfect in our heads every way.

Your friends think he's a bastard. Perhaps he is, but perhaps he just didn't care as much about you as you/they had hoped. Perhaps he knew he wasn't really over his ex and that you deserved better from him. We'll never know.

Whatever the reason, had you hung around waiting for him, you would not be with the guy you are now, and you would not know how nice it is to be loved and valued.

This LDR did you a favour. He wasn't good enough for you, he didn't see your immediate value, more fool him.

BreasticlesNotTesticles · 03/03/2013 17:51

But he chose someone else so he wasn't the one that got away?! And a "holiday romance" should not have had enough time for bastard type behaviour to develop imo.

You sound well rid.

Original poster

Smetana · 03/03/2013 18:43

I want to thank you for all your comments, and I really want to see it that way, but there's something that stops me seeing like that. I don't know how I can get it to sink in

OP posts:

Lavenderhoney · 03/03/2013 19:27

Stop thinking about him- it's wasted time and energy. Go out, put music on loudly - you've broken up with people before right?

If he comes into your head shout " go away, you're spoiling my life" ( internally or people might think you are barmy, on the plus side you will get a seat and a spare one on the bus)

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