What do you think about this reaction? Especially if you hate confrontations

[FeelsSad]

What would you do in a scenario such as the one below?

Something happens that has upset your partner/husband/wife very much. So much that he/she decides to just get out of the house for some fresh air and doesn't come back for a good 45 minutes. On his/her return, said partner looks upset/hurt/like he/she has been crying.

What would you do on her return?

What would you do if you know that asking what's going on will mean he/she is likely to tell you what is wrong and it is likely to have something to do with you?

I think if the op had phrased this differently, the responses would be so much different.

'My dh never communicates his feelings, deliberately doesn't answer me when i make small requests, and then acts like he was going to do it, but i didn't give him time, and when i reached the end of my tether and did something completely out of character, and was clearly upset, he didn't even acknowledge me, let alone comfort me....'

He sounds like he's deliberately trying to be a head fuck to me.

There is no way i would just ignore my dp if he was clearly distressed. And especially if i knew, i had caused it. It would upset me to know i had hurt him.

I would be especially concerned that your children are learning it was the norm to copy this sort of behaviour as well. Christ, my 2 year old twins give me compassion if they accidentally hurt me and i cry out. 'sorry mummy' is their response. It's not complicated - it's a basic response.

"He sounds like he's deliberately trying to be a head fuck to me."
I have to say that this is my reading of the OP's posts too. She is walking on eggshells, and their children are picking up some (IMO) very weird behaviour. I just cannot see it as a dislike of confrontation on his part - he is creating the confrontation then pointing the finger at the OP and claiming it's all her fault. ANd it's been happening for so long that the OP no longer knows what is normal.

I don't know. Is his communication different with other people?

DH has much slower verbal processing speed than I do. I sometimes feel like I'm counting to 10 before he 'hears' what I've said. So, he often just stares at me when I say something, because inside, he's piecing together what I've said.

DD2 is the same. She literally looks with a blank face, then responds slooowly.

Could there be an issue of interpretation that's building to resentment? You think he's ignoring you, he thinks your nagging him?

you're*

I haven't read all thread, but wonderd why you didn't think its normal for the person who went out to come back and say hello I'm just going to have a lie down a minute ,give me a shout when you go out? It does sound a bit as if today you wanted attention?

if my husband walked away i would assume he didnt want to talk about it and i would wait until he approached me to talk about it

if he came back and was still angry or upset then i would defo wait for him to calm down and carry on with kids as normal, then probably in the evening he would start talking.

How quirky is his behaviour normally?

I can relate to quite a lot of what you have said. DP can not cope with understanding the emotions of others. I would have to literally crumple into tears in front of him for him to notice. He avoids talking about issues saying he dislikes confrontation. If he is busy a simple request can be ignored, there is either no response or a long hesitation. He appears to forget to do things like write holiday dates in diary when asked. For years I thought it was his memory or that he was passive aggressive. It can be very hurtful and invalidating to be ignored.

How does he cope with the children if they are hurt, upset, tearful, can he read their emotions and respond in a way which is normal?

Does he have Aspergers?

I honestly think the blanking followed by the 'I was doing it!' isn't abusive, it's indicative of a communication issue.

DD2 does it because her 'theory of mind' is poor. That means that she doesn't realise that we don't know what she's thinking. So if she thinks 'ok, go and get my shoes on' she doesn't realise that we don't know that she has thought it.

We then say 'DD2! I asked you to get your shoes on.' This riles her because she knows we've asked her to do that and she is doing it, albeit slowly.

DH often doesn't respond if I ask him to do something. It doesn't occur to him that it needs a response because he's heard what I've asked him to do and he'll do it. I've tried to explain that if he acknowledges the request, I'll know he has heard, but he just can't do it on a day to day basis.

He used to work in a management company and a deadline was looming. All around him was stress and his manager said 'This deadline is coming up fast, we must have everything ready.' He said 'Ok'. It didn't cross his mind that he needed to show a sense of urgency. His manager eventually asked him to 'at least fake a panic'.

DH would also ignore me walking out for 45 minutes. He'd either assume that I needed to cool down, or find it simply too overwhelming to try and 'fix the problem' because he doesn't understand that someone can have 'feelings' that can be acknowledged without trying to 'fix' the problem.

Similarly with things that are quite important to me, say important dates. He simply cannot retain them.

Now that we've realised that he isn't being lazy, rude and ignorant (we suspect aspergers) we are taking steps to manage the issues it raises.

DH keeps a calendar, for example, so that he can remember all the things he needs to do. It's fascinating that if something is embedded in his routine it will be done without fail. If something is one-off or irregular, it will invariably be forgotten.

I also suspected Aspergers from what you said, OP....does it feel like we are wide of the mark?

I strongly suspect my DH (and DS) have it. It is not easy to live with, but it does make a difference if it means you know it is not intentional or lack of caring, but a neurological difference in the way the brain processes language, emotion, etc. My DH has also found it a relief to have an explanation for himself, if that makes any difference.

Obviously I don't want to try to 'diagnose' over the internet, especially since I am by no means a health professional... and maybe you know all about it already.

And he is not mind reader which is why he needs to know you have heard and understood him!

nailak the trouble is that for most people with ASD, they fundamentally don't have the concept that people don't know what they know. So if they are thinking 'it's cold in here', the assumption is that everyone around them knows it's cold.

DH will often start conversations half-way through - he's been thinking about something, and forgets that I don't know what he's been thinking about. I have to either rapidly catch up and piece it all together, or say 'Wait a minute...start from the beginning..who's so and so, where were they...?'

Thank you very much for all your input.
I found it fascinating to see how different the responses were. From the is a b* and is paying with your mind to your are PA and a drama Queen.

I am obviously much calmer today so hopefully I will also be clearer in my answers (Someone said I hadn't gone about it the right way. That was probably true. Trying to post an OP whilst crying and sobbing just isn't helping in writing something that makes sense lol).

re DH being quirky... He doesn't have any dx of asperger but one of our dcs is currently being assessed for AS and to me he seems to be ticking quite a few boxes.
A lot of what louge ring true. I have been nodding my head as I read along.

Re being PA... I would hope that I am not, especially because this was so out of character for me. But the fact some of you thought about PA made me think and I will have a closer look. I also want to check that, in the middle of trying to find a way to communicate within our family unit, I haven't developed some unhealthy habits.

TheSenior interesting pov.
I would say DH knows something is wrong but is too frightened to ask anything. In part thanks to years of bullying at school that has taught him that the best thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.
Also because he knows he is likely to say/guess the wrong thing.

If I hadn't been so emotional, I would have realized yesterday that actually DH has been reacting exactly the same way than he normally does when things aren't quite right. He shuts down. Think rabbit caught up in the headlights and a blank stare.
But, yesterday, after having quite a lot on my plate in the last 2 weeks, I have reverted to my default mode. That is to think that most people would react as I would. And I would always always go and help/support someone I love that is struggling/being upset.

I have to say it is an eye opener to see how many people seem to expect other to play mind games. I have never done it and have never expected anyone to do so. I am probably much too naive...

Interesting point about him failing to get on with his peers.

I think you need to raise the possibility that he is on the spectrum.

If that is the case and your child has the same condition you will understand that it's not you and then understand how to build strategies in order to ease communication.

I think the depersonalisation would help enormously.

Asking someone to emotionally read a situation with ASD is like asking someone with no eyes to see.

They can't. They can only view things from their own perspective.

"But im still not going to ask him what the matter is if he's moping around looking upset and attention seeking.. if he has an issue with something i've done, i am not a mind reader, be straight and tell me!"

You can't blame your unkindness on Asperger's.

If you know someone is upset and deliberately ignore them to teach them a lesson, you are being a dick.

Making up bullshit rules about how "adults" must behave and refusing to acknowledge someone until they conform is cruel.

Adults are people. People get upset. If you know they are upset and you love them and want them not to be upset you try to address it.

"Asking someone to emotionally read a situation with ASD is like asking someone with no eyes to see.

They can't. They can only view things from their own perspective."

True, but with love and patience, there are strategies that help.

For instance, I had a migraine last year (I get them a lot) which was so severe that I suddenly realised that I couldn't see and couldn't feel my arms...I managed to phone up to DH, who had gone to bed. I said 'Can you come down, I can't see.' Bearing in mind I had a migraine, I wasn't communicating very effectively.

DH came down and turned a light on...because I couldn't see. He helped me up when I asked and I managed to stumble up the stairs, but collapsed to the ground in the hallway.

I apparently mumbled something like 'I'll be fine, just get me a pillow.' So he did

I woke up in the night and found myself on the floor. I don't know what happened then, except that I woke up some time later in bed fully clothed.

DH didn't know that when I said 'I'll be fine, just get me a pillow' that I wasn't in fact fine - I'd told him I was fine.

Similarly, when he was helping the children brush their teeth, DD2 tripped and fell against the doorway and started bleeding. DH didn't respond and carried on brushing the children's teeth. Afterwards, he said that it didn't occur to him not to finish what he was already doing.

So, we've learned that DH needs quite explicit 'rules' that he follows. Now, he knows 'if something happens and someone is bleeding or unwell. STOP and deal with it.'

It sounds silly, written down, but it's helped enormously.

DD2 is also the same. I can't just tell her a rule, I have to tell her when she can break the rule. So I can't just say 'don't tell tales'. I have to say 'don't tell tales. BUT if someone is doing something very dangerous, they are really hurt or bleeding or it is very naughty, you must come and tell me. If I didn't add that, I think she would blindly follow the rule.

What I found help is to be very matter of fact about things.
'When you do x, it makes me feel Y'.
I have to say that it does feel rigid and unnatural but that's the only way |I can get through him.

That's really the reason why i did NOT want to talk to him yesterday. I was way too emotional, he would have taken it the wrong way round (very personal, getting frightened too and angry) and I wouldn't have been able to get my message across (I didn't managed to get it across here anyway!). The result would have been either a full waste of time or him getting stressed which makes everyday life much more difficult for everyone.

Doesn't solve my trigger issue though... The dcs are still acting as DH does, not answering questions or leaving the room. They do it to me but also to each other which causes masses of arguments between them....
But I can't tell them 'Don't do as daddy does' either....

louge I've had that too when being ill. Incl being left on a cold bathroom floor, wet, cold and covered in sick.
And left at home on my own when I was struggling to breathe. I said I would be fine though...
So I taught DH that you never leave someone alone when they struggle to breathe and tat they get short of breath when talking, that's a red flag and they should be taken to hospital.
His answer 'Even when they say they are OK?' (I said I was didn't I??). Well yes even when they say so...

I think you know your DH isn't being deliberately hurtful and on a subconscious level you may have been testing it.

Be kind to yourself, but use the knowledge you have to help your DH be kind to you.

I suppose I would try to do what I thought the person wanted, as long as I did not feel manipulated. (been in a friendship like that and never going back!)

Personally I like dh to leave me alone when I am upset. Has taken a long time for him to realise that pestering me to talk when I am still too emotional makes things worse. I prefer to be alone, rest and doing something to calm my mind before dealing with things.