I feel so so depressed...

[northcountrygirl]

I started another thread in aibu about banning my daughter from seeing a couple of her threads which is kind of related.

This basically resulted in my next door neighbour and best friend falling out with me in quite a public way.

In addition to this I have a terrible marriage. My husband is not a nice man at all. I have been so upset over the situation with the neighbour but he refuses to talk to me about it as he says it's childish, which yes it is, but I can't help feeling upset about it. I dread coming home now as I have the uncomfortable situation with the neighbour and a husband who has stonewalled me since Thursday.

I just want to put the house on the market and buy somewhere for me and the kids but I can't get my head together enough to make any progress. The house needs a serious declutter as the cellar is full of crap, as is the attic but I just lack the motivation. I sometimes suffer from anxiety but had been healthy for two years. That's back with a vengeance and I've started taking beta blockers again but am still having crippling panic attacks.

I'm constantly crying and my husband refuses to talk to me about anything at all. There's no chance of counselling.

How do I move on from this? I just can't seem to think straight...

That must be awful. How come there isnt any chance that you can get counselling?

When things were unbearable for me I ended up at my GP's surgery and cried for nearly an hour. They were marvellous. I have had counselling and CBT and when I got stronger, I went to the CAB and got information there about divorcing. Eventually I found the courage to instruct a solicitor. It took me years, too many years, sadly to get to this point.

I totally understand about the clutter. I am going through that now as was unable to face it without help. Can you just start small, spend 15 minutes a day on one particular room? Once you find you can achieve that you could maybe increase it to 20 or 25 minutes?

I am sure you will get lots of great advice. Take care of yourself and try to find something nice to do today.

It sounds as if you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment and that you are not getting any support.

It also sounds as if you have a number of different issues going on, with you neighbour, daughter and husband, plus 'the state of the house'.

If you are depressed, beating yourself up about it isn't going to help (I speak from experience!). Could you go to your GP and ask for some more help?

you are unlikely to have the motivation to tackle the house or your marriage before you take steps to restore the balance in your health. would you be able to pay your GP a visit and talk it though with them? when you say counselling isnt an option, do you mean for you or for you and your DH? if it would be something you might consider for youself only, then it really is an effective way of offloading and building yourself back up again.

Thank you for the replies. I meant marriage counselling rather than individual counselling and there's no chance of that as my husband refuses.

I have had cbt and counselling in he past and it was effective. I thing I just nee to get a grip to be honest.

I've tidied and cleaned th main part of the house today. I plan on ordering a skip next weekend. I'm not going to sort through anything - I'm putting the whole lot in the skip. Most of the clutter is his anyway. Once this is done I can pay someone to freshen up some of the rooms and carry out a few repairs.

I have asked my husband to leave but he's still here. He has done nothing of any use today - as usual. He will have no choice once the house is sold. I have lived with him for 7 miserable years so I guess I can cope with a few more months.

Yes I think I will go to he doctor.

I feel like I need to get away from H too. He now seems to have extended his sulking to my eldest children (who aren't his). My son went to tell him that tea was ready and to ask where his younger sister was and he refused to speak to him. My son asked him 5 times and he ignored him. Fucking twat!

I'm trying decide wether or not to pack a bag and go to my mums with the children. The problem with this though is that I'd have to leave the cat and dog behind and he might not feed them.

Well he's gone. Packed a bag and gone god knows where.

He's been going out most nights so there may well be another woman.

Just hope she's prepared for being pushed, shoved, kicked and spat on.

oh gosh. how are you feeling now he's gone? well done for standing your ground and insisting he left.

he sounds like a horrible bully that you are well shot of to me.

I feel really sad to be honest. More because when we got married I expected to have a happy life with him but obviously that didn't happen. And now it never will.

He is the father of my youngest daughter. I have just told her that he's working away but she's pretty upset - especially as he couldn't even be bothered to say goodbye to her. I feel really sad for her too. She was asking about why I divorced my first husband earlier on and saying p,ease don't divorce my daddy. She's only 5 so doesn't really understand these things. What do I say to her?

i'm sorry to say that i'm not a mum, so it would be wrong of me to advise you what you should say to your DD. it sounds like she has picked up on your sadness? no daughter wants their dad to leave, that's just how it is. i've often read on here that it is best if both parents can sit down and tell their children together that they won't be living together anymore but they both still love them and will see them regularly, then this can help provide reassurance. do you think your DH will agree to this?

feeling sadness and despair at the loss of your life as you know it, as well as the hopes and dreams you had on your wedding day are so normal. i know this doesnt make the pain go away. do you have any friends or family you can talk to?

I don't think we could talk to her together as I really couldn't trust what he might say. He may well try and blame it all on me which I don't think would be healthy for her. I think for now I will stick to the lie tat he's working away while I try and work out the best way to tell her. When I split up with my first husband I told he elder two the truth but I can hardly tell my youngest the truth - that her father is an abusive controlling bully who I've grown to dislike more and more with each passing day....

When I told him that the stonewalling was abusive behaviour and whilst I'd suffered from it for years I wouldn't tolerate it being extended to my son, he accused me of being abusive. I asked him to explain exactly how I was abusing him and he just told me to F off and he couldn't stand to look at me because I'm an ugly dog. I do think in his own twisted mind though that he genuinely believes he's faultless and I'm the crazy abusive partner. And that this will be the "party line" to anyone who asks why we've split up. Plus I've been seen by a psychiatrist as originally my anxiety was diagnosed as bipolar so he'll have proof that I'm "mental" (another of his favourite words for me)

I agree that your daughter is too young to understand the dynamics in your relationship with your H. It's also quite possible that as she grows up she will see him for what he is herself. However, you need to concentrate on just looking after yourself at the moment as best you can, as the more you are able to feel okay, the more your DD will too as she will sense that you are okay. So, that means going with what feels right just for now. If telling your DD that he is working away feels right for the moment, then go with that.

Give yourself some time and let the dust settle before making an ultimate decision on what to tell her.

Your H sounds like a revolting bully who resorts to name calling and other vile behaviour when he's on the back foot. He's projected all of his own horrible qualities on to you - turning the abuse round, calling you mental, whilst maintaining he is faultless. No wonder you are feeling depressed, your self-esteem must be on the floor (anyone's would). The further you get away from him emotionally, the more you will be able to see his behaviour for what it is, and the less it will affect you. Be glad you have recognised this and taken control of your future - that's one step on the path to happiness.

It's awful, especially when kids are involved, but you can't control what he says and does, and it sounds like he will come up with any old crap to justify his horrible behaviour. Let him get on with it. Just try to concentrate on putting as much emotional space between you and him.

How is your anxiety today?

My anxiety is a lot better thanks! I still have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and can't eat but to be honest that's a bit of a bonus as I still need to lose half a stone...

I think I've finally seen the whole relationship for what it was. I spent so many years trying to rationalise the way he was treating me but really the most obvious answer was that he treat me without love simply because he didn't love me. There was no other reason and there is nothing I can do about that. I can't change who he is. I do think it was incredibly cruel though and I wish he hadn't lied to me for so long/ or that I had had the backbone to realise what was staring me in the face.

I do find myself constantly going over all the insulting words he used for me and wondering if others see me in the same light. I know I'm not "thick" as I have done quite well academically and professional so I have the "proof" that it's not the case. I also know I'm not lazy as I work (almost) full time, do everything in the house and have 3 children. It's the other words that are more subjective that I'm struggling with - mental, ugly, dog, old, fat, selfish, abusive, slag, alcoholic.

I guess I just need a bit of time and distance.

I'm so glad you are feeling a bit better. Be prepared for some ups and downs though, sometimes it doesnt take much to leave you wondering where all those positive feelings have gone!

The more distance you have from him, and the more time you spend with other people who treat you properly - with love and respect, should help you realise that you are none of those horrible things he called you.

Those things he called you only show what his inner world is like - and it doesnt sound like a happy, nice place to be. You are not responsible for that.

I think you should be really proud of yourself.