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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

in a really tricky situation and desperately need your advice.

17 replies

Donbean · 03/05/2006 10:49

Its a mate whos has a very volotile relationship with her husband. They have a child.
She is classic in the "abused wife" listed in the bbc website for domestic violence.
He controls EVERYTHING, money, household stuff, cars i mean everything.
Every couple of months they have a big do, he pushes her around etc etc.
She is convinced that if she calls the police they will take the child off her.
Her husband demanded the first and last time the police were called by a neighbour that she be arrested because she is an unfit mother, violent towards him and not taking medication. (she isnt on any medication)
He demanded that the child be taken into care.
She was in a state, couldnt argue her point and the police officer told her that he had been informed by his superior to arrest her....but that he wasnt going to...this time!!!WTF
Ok, get the picture.....
That time she told me about it all a few days later, this time she rings me in the dead of the night hysterical. I drive there and sit with her for a few hours.
I have given her the number for the domestic violence team and have just listened to her, been on the end of the phone.
I dont want any of this if the truth be known. I cant cope.
She has no family at all, she has me and another friend and that is it...the sum total of her support network.
I cant take her in, i dont know what to do.
I cant deal with it all, its too much.
Feel totally selfish and trapped because she has no one. Dont know what she is going to do as she is just so desperate to not have her baby taken off her, she cant think straight and cant seem to make a decision because of his brain washing.
Oh God, what can i do.

OP posts:
Donbean · 03/05/2006 10:58

please,anyone.

OP posts:
secur · 03/05/2006 10:58

Ring someone for her, get some advice from them about what can ve done to help her and what the liklyhood is of anything happening to her child (ok we all know that but get it from the horses mouth) then sit her down at your house and tell her what they have said to you, reassure her that they were keen to help her, give her the phone and tell her you are going to hang the washing out or whatever and leave her to make up her own mind.

TBH I should expect that the worst bit for her will be picking up the phone and starting off the process, after that it will be a different ball game for her.

I understand too that it is hard for you, but TBH I don't see that you have much choice about helping - wouldn't it be worse for you not to help and then look back and worry about what you should have done etc when it is all too late?

expatinscotland · 03/05/2006 11:00

I would report it all anonymously to Social Services. The child is 'at risk' as he/she is in a home where domestic violence occurs, and should be placed on the at risk register.

alexsmum · 03/05/2006 11:01

could you phone the domestic violence team and find out what her rights are ? and then present them to her as a fait accompli? she needs to know that she can leave this jerk and her child won't be taken away.

Bugsy2 · 03/05/2006 11:01

Donbean, what an awful situation. Her husband sounds horrible, really nasty & manipulative. I don't know that much about this sort of situation, I'm sure others will have better ideas.

Is there anything social services can do to help? Would your friend go with you to a local women's refuge? If she went to a refuge, there is no question that her baby would be taken away from her.

Nbg · 03/05/2006 11:01

I think she needs to make a plan and get out. Be it to a refuge or anywhere.
I think she also needs to call the police herself without her husband knowing and set some things straight and get the story right.
There is no reason for them to take her child off her apart from any lies that her arse of a husband tells them.

Donbean · 03/05/2006 11:02

Oh my God, i would never turn my back on her, i am just struggling with it all thats all.
Feel like i would be betraying her somehow if i spoke to any one about it, even if she doesnt know any of my friends. feel ike i need to off load it to some one which is why i came here.
Ok, i am going to ring the domestic violence team myself and get advice, she is coming today to the house so i will suggest what you say.
Thankyou a million times thankyou for taking the time to speak to me.

OP posts:
secur · 03/05/2006 11:02

That sounded really priggy, sorry, it is hard on a friend when they have a lot on their plate too I don't know what to say to make it easier for you, other than you know that you are not going to abandon her to this so you need to take a deep breath and mentally steele yourself for battle!

Bumblelion · 03/05/2006 11:02

I am a bit naive in circumstances like this, but couldn't she go to a women's hostel or something.

Sorry, not much help.

secur · 03/05/2006 11:03

Smile good on you donbean, hope this works out wel (and soon) for all of your sakes.

LillyPink · 03/05/2006 11:05

Has she phoned Womens Aid? I'd imagine they would give her the advice she needs. If she leaves him they may put her and baby in a refuge - I think.

Physically, there is nothing you can do. But I think your friend must really need you at the moment, as her support is so limited. You say you can't cope with it, but let your friend know that as soon as she needs you, you will be there for her. She must be very scared.

Sorry to say but in a way you do sound selfish, but then again we all have problems of our own too.

Nbg · 03/05/2006 11:05

I think being in the situation she is, she will appreciate the help you are offering.
I can't imagine how she is feeling.

LillyPink · 03/05/2006 11:07

Sorry, by the time I had posted that eveyone else had said same thing!!

Bugsy2 · 03/05/2006 11:20

A thing I've noticed from my years on Mumsnet, is that it seems to take a long time & the most enormous leap of faith for abused women to leave their husbands/partners. It is as though they are held captive by the dominating presence of their h/p and their own lack of self-esteem & self-belief. I think you may need alot of patience with this one Donbean.
If she is not able to make the break, is there anyway she could enlarge her network of friends close to her home - through mother & baby groups etc?

Donbean · 03/05/2006 11:27

(thanks for that lillypink!)
Ok, just phoned domestic violence help team and thay gave me the number for womens aid and loads of tips to help her on her way.
Feel fore armed and stronger now. Ive got concrete advice to give her and wont be floundering with wishy washy words of encouragement. Ive never been in this situation before therefor had no idea where to turn.
OOOH what a relief, will have practical help for her when she comes today.
Thanks all x

OP posts:
housearrest · 03/05/2006 11:30

Hello. I understand that you probably feel overwhelmed by this and I sympathise. My mother wass abused for most of my childhood and to be honest it can take the longest time, if ever, for abused women to leave their partners. Their self esteem and confidence has hit such a low point that they cannot see how they will cope outside of their current situation-it becomes even harder with children.
Please do gather as much info as you can for her but for her own safety make sure that her partner does not catch any wind of it.
This is a good website for info: www.womensaid.org.uk/

Good luck. I know its hard to take on someone's problems-particularly something like this because its so overwhelming.

xx

Nbg · 03/05/2006 13:29

Well done Donbean Smile

I hope she manages to sort something out.

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