Married but parenting as a single person

[chucksaway]

My husband pays most of the bills, I work around 10 hours a week and all my money goes on food over the month. For this reason he seems to think he doesnt have to had any input with the kids apart from the occasional ten minute play through the week. No taking them out, no asking about anything. Its been like this for four years now and we have two kids. It has always affected my marriage but when I bring it up the famous i pay all the bills line comes out. I never expected parenthood to be like this

anyone else experiencing same thing, I find it incredibly self centred and sad for my kids as we dont live near many family members

Why not align your living and parenting arrangements?

That sounds bad, OP. How were things before the DC were born?

Your DH is an arse. Show him this!

My DH and I share all parenting (2 kids 5 and 2) and money in one great big melting pot.
He would never dare sit on his arse of an evening while I bathed and put kids to bed. Or cook dinner and clear up.
We both have equal time off surfing the net or out for sport.

Without emotional support from your DH, you won't want to remain as his wife for long!

I'm sorry you are living with such a dick op.
I went through the same thing with my ex. It's the main reason he is now an ex.
IMO this way of living will breed resentment and animosity. If you have attempted to discuss this and your dh alreadyhe isn't likely to change.

This is no way to live op, perhaps a final ultimatum?

I'm now a very happy single mum in a lovely home. Excontinues to drink and spend what he likes and does t take responsibility for anything at all.
The difference is I'm not dragged down by him.

Good luck

so im upstairs and my 2 yr old comes up the stairs with a bowl of rice crispies! and now its all over the stairs - see what i mean - emotionally for me its over i have been here a million times just wondere if happening in othe households. Im not one for looking at others and envying what they have but since becoming a mum ive always wistfully looked at couples in the park or even dads playing with their kids - totally sad

What an arse - have you tried saying 'I'm going out on such a such a date /time so you'll have to babysit then (no if's or buts)' then going through with it? It's (slim) possibility that he doesn't take responsibility because he doesn't feel confident of his parenting abilities. If you force the issue he may find that he is better than he fears and may even enjoy it.

This is not normal, imo.

Also very sad, sorry OP

its nothing to do with parenting abilities its living like a teenager in a male body and because i go out to work and pay majority of the bills nothing else falls into my remit - thats the attitude - its my own fault for marrying him

Similar but different for me.

Both DH and DS have ASD so DH is not an unkind man but it genuinely wouldn't enter his head to do fun stuff with the DCs of his own accord. Equally DS is very focused on me as his main carer so DH has never been needed. DD is also a mummy's girl so I do often feel like a single parent in the nurturing sense.

However DH more than pulls his weight at home, is happy to stay home with whichever child I'm not doing something with or if given specific instructions will take the DC to their activities etc.

So no, I don't have it tough like you OP but I do feel sad for the DC that they never experience their dad wanting to go watch them perform etc. if he does go it is because I've told him he ought to and he doesn't really understand why he is there (no empathy) and feels uncomfortable with crowds etc so often easier all round to leave him at home.

I did say in front of a group of his friends last week that most of the DCs friends and parents think our DCs don't have a Dad and he looked genuinely shocked.

It does piss me off from time to time and I wish he could be the crazy dad running round the park

so heres the abuse ive been subjected to this afternoon: a massive sense of entitlement

me - what do you do for your children, how are you parenting them
him - i am providing for them, making sure they have food to eat, roof over their head

me - what time do you spend with your children
him - similar rambling response about bills

the man has no clue, and further this is what i do

Your children are not pets for you to stroke (they are both under 4)
You spoil them

Oh and im working class aswell
that must be why ... oh and another chestnut i get all my stupid parenting ideas from mumsnet!!!!!!!!!!! it was in the newpapers today apparently ... even though i only read the relationship section but you get the drift here

there is no getting through to this brick

i feel sad for my kids, no time spent with them just shouting at them when they dont do what he says in a nanno second

Read your post with feeling of absolute . I used to watch what I assumed were happy couples in parks or walking along with their DCs and wonder what on earth was the matter with me and my ex. Sometimes I could barely stop myself from crying for what I thought I didn't have.
OK my ex was abusive, physically, verbally but emotionally as well as shagging OW and still managing to cocklodge - easy enough to do when you are not working .
Your H sounds as though he is if not actually then definitely bordering on the emotionally abusive.
One thing no parent does is babysit their DCs, they look after them because they are responsible for them.
All I can say is that since I've been single I have such happy times with my DCs. We've made lots of new friends, when they come round or I go round to theirs everyone pitches in helping and it feels wonderful. I did the washing up for a friend yesterday while DS was playing with her DS and she was making supper. Her DH was taking the chance to do a bit of hoovering. And then we all sat down for a meal. It was sheer bliss .
As the saying goes it is better to walk alone than be badly accompanied.

No constructive advice for you OP i'm afraid. I've been where you are and stuck it out for 15 years :(

When i left my XH my DDs were not in the least bothered about no longer living with their father as, to quote DD3 at 15yo, ''He doesn't talk to us anyway'' :(:(

Even more sadly for years i felt responsible for it too.

I've said this allot - but you reap what you sow. Your DH will be the biggest looser in the end.

Sorry OP that you're married to such a bully. (Does the 'working class' reference mean he regards you as beneath him?) You wonder if it happens in other households... sadly, yes it does. Bullying men that choose to lord it over their wives and partners because 'they pay the bills' and earn the lion's share of the household income are not in short supply unfortunately. Lazy throwbacks that treat children/houses as women's work are also out there in their thousands. Doesn't make it right, of course.

If you walked out with the kids you'd probably be a lot better off. He'd still have to 'pay the bills' because he'd have to cough up maintenance. If you own any property, assets or have any savings you'd be awarded 50% of everything as a starting point. Emotionally, you'd be able to live peacefully, independently and enjoy your family rather than waiting for the next nasty remark from the bully. Your children wouldn't be jumping to attention every time he shouts....

I would strongly recommend talking to a solicitor or CAB and just finding out what the score is. There's something about having information to back you up that can give you a feeling of strength and confidence.

He doesn't get to use the 'paying the bills' line unless he's prepared to accept that what you're doing is the equivalent of earning £69,888 per year, because that is what it would cost if he was paying the going rate for a CM to be looking after the DC 24 hours a day, every day of the year.

Now who's the higher earner?