How do you know a relationship is over?

[Shufflebottom]

I've got myself all tangled in knots and in a deep hole emotionally, and not sure if I am thinking straight. I've been with dp for 18 years, not married (his choice, not mine) and a 4 year old (my dream come true, he's a good dad but never wanted a kid). And that kind of sums up many of the issue - we have always had totally different views of what a good life looks like and never resolved the differences. Now I have hit my 40s and am realising that nothing is ever going to change and can't quite live with all the sacrifice that entails - he doesn't like my friends or my family (with which I am very close), he doesn't want to go out, we can't agree on holidays, so I go to visit family without him for my holidays. Our ds has never been on holiday with him. The added element is that it's not through want of my trying - I try to talk to him, discuss and he ignores/minimises or gets angry that I am 'constantly criticising' - I don't think I am but nothing ever changes! now he says he wants to make an effort and has given me permission to 'do what I want' - but that's still not a relationship, is it? Sorry, not sure if I am completely in the wrong or bullied...

It never ceases to amaze me that anyone is prepared spend months let alone years flogging a dead horse in a relationship where there's little common ground and no hope of any accord being reached whereby both parties can view the union as being life-enhancing.

It would seem the fact he allegedly now 'wants to make an effort' and has given you 'permission' - what kind of power trip is he on? - to do what you want is more to do with his intention of continuing in his set in stone anti-social ways while disclaiming any responsibility for sucking the joy out of your life because, after all, he doesn't stop you seeing friends/family, does he?

Why have you been content to spend what amounts to almost half of your life settling for so much less than second best and what message do you think this will give your ds in the longer term?

These are the issues I've been struggling with - why have I stayed so long? And I can't answer that apart from putting it down to low self-worth. He's not a bad man, but has very defined view of the world which he simply doesn't see the need to change (then he'd be being untruthful...). and he asks 'why now?', and I can't answer.

It's very easy for two incompatible people to coexist in a relationship for a long time doing their own thing and thinking "well it works for us".

When a child comes into the relationship those differences will be highlighted because you have to pull as a team, and if you never were one before, it all falls over

It sounds as though you hoped a child would make you a family, and it hasn't. I know, BTDT, its very sad when you realize it probably just isn't going to work.

But there is life beyond this kind of situation. You won't change him, but you can make changes yourself and think about what you'd like for the future.

Whether from low self-worth that's made you feel grateful for having a man, any man, in your life or from the inertia that comes from adopting a 'better the devil I know' philosophy, the net result is that you've marked time when you should have been marking it.

I suspect your 'can't answer' has more to do with not wanting to answer as you surely can't be short of reasons why it's time to end this unsatisfactory state of non affairs, but if you're truly stuck try these on for size:

1. We have very different wants and needs; the things that please you don't float my boat and no doubt my need to socialise with my family and the world at large doesn't float yours and there's no escaping the fact that we don't enhance each others' lives in any meaningful manner.

1. I'll always be cognisant of the fact that you've given me the best possible gift in our ds and it's precisely because I want him to have the opportunity to become all he can be that I can no longer maintain any pretence that I'm happy living with you.

1. Having given this matter full consideration for a lengthy period of time, I've reached the conclusion that we would both be infinitely happier living apart in order our ds can see and experience the best of each of us as individuals living life according to their wishes, rather than seeing the worst of us as a couple locked into a non-fulfilling relationship and staying together merely from some misguided hope or belief that our lack of love and empathy for each other won't adversely affect him.

End any conversation with 'my mind is made up' and rinse and repeat as required until you have disentangled whatever joint assets you have in common and are living apart while maintaining a civil relationship with regard to shared care of your dc.

You don't have to write off 18+ years - take the knowledge you've gained in that time forward into the future and don't settle for anything less than the best again.

Thanks - wise words. I know you are both right, I just need to muster the courage to do the right thing for all of us. Thanks for taking the time.