DP away for the weekend and didn't miss him at all

[Kione]

So together 7 years, one DD (3yo) and lots of ups and downs after I touched bottom at Christmas and told him I was leaving asd he was always grumpy not paying us attention, not fun to live with, lots of ignoring each other nights, most of them. So that snapped him out of it, he has changed, he is commited to us and tries to be more cheerful as his bad mood was because of work, so he is trying not to bring it all home.
But... my feelings haven't really improved, I love him, but as the father of my kid, not as a friend not as a lover... and now that he has been away, I haven't missed him at all, I like the house remaining nice and tidy, doing what I want and watching whatever on tv. DD misses him a lot ytho.
So I KNOW he he going to ask me "did you miss me?" when he comes back. Should I lie? or just tell him that no, I didn't.
I'd hate hurting him, its the last think I want in the world...
The weekened hasen't finished yet, I know, but I am so lloking forward for tonight by myself and tomorrow just relaxing...
Do I tell him I didn't miss him?

I don't think not missing him is worrying in itself.

DH was away on a course from wed lunchtime to fri evening and I can't say I actively missed him. It's nice having the house/TV/bed to myself for a couple of nights!

If he was away longer I'd probably get round to missing him.

He sometimes asks if I missed him and I say "Nah; it was nice to have the house to myself - but it's nice to have you back" :) and he laughs. If I thought he'd be hurt I'd probably tell a white lie and say I missed him though :)

I don't think you can tell anything from a couple of days apart. If you want to see what it would be like to live apart from each other then you would need to separate for something like 3 months, I reckon.

Ok, well, I won't have the chance of three months but he has been away for 2 weeks before and I didn't miss him either, but this was before the "change".
I know everyone likes the house for themselves for a couple of days, so I guess telling a white lie is the general rule...

It would be a bit brutal to just say 'no, I didn't miss you'. You could say something a bit more neutral - that it was 'different' or that it went so quickly you didn't have time to miss him (or hopefully something better than my suggestions!). How do you feel when he's there? You say he is trying hard to be better but do you actually enjoy being with him?

I apreciate his help around the house and I love seing him with DD and how DD loves us, and the grup hugs.
But me...I wouldn't say I specially enjoy him being here, no

It's only been a couple of months since you reached crisis point so I suppose it might be that you are still healing from that. The acid test would probably be if you could get away together without the dc for a day or two and see how you feel then.

Yeah, thats a good idea actually, we where thinking of doing that, very complicated as I am not ortiginally from here so no family around and his family won't have her overnight. But we where thinking of doing that and go and watch a play at the Theater, so yeah to have that as a "test" and see from there... its just not easy and requires a lot of thinking and probably traveling as we live in a remote place (which doen't help my mood). but will give that a try.

Thanks a lot for your replies.

I had DH who worked a way a lot and didn't miss him as such. I'd say as a joke 'You weren't away long enough for me to miss you'!! Going away together is more of a test, then you haven't got dd or housework or tv to fill the gaps. Even if you took DD with you you would be out of routine and it might light the spark.

That's part of the prob for a lot of couples isn't it? Just trying to arrange any time with 'just the two of you' starts to seem so much effort that it falls by the wayside but it is crucial to any relationship to be together and see each other as real people.

The theatre sounds a good idea - just having a night out together will be a good start. It will help you to find out if you can still enjoy being with him, holding hands, having a conversation, having a laugh - all the little, important things.

Good luck x

Thanks a lot. Yes it sounds like what we need to do to see if we still want each other as individuals... It really is a lot of effort and money! involves flight and drop DD with an aunty that we think will have her, then travel to London then back, but... I am sure it will be worth it.

Oh wow - a flight... maybe your arrangements are a bit more difficult than most!

Do you like where you are living? You say the remoteness is one of the problems. I assume you have to be there for his work?

If you are remote, can you take dd too, swim and loads of play, and give her an early tea and arrange for hotel babysitter? Then just have dinner at the hotel? Loads of places do this if you arrange in advance.

Is being remote and away from friends harbouring a resentment to him?

It takes time to build a relationship back to a new better place, It's not an overnight thing. You have to work to make each others day better in small ways.

I miss dh when he is away, but not like I used to when we first met:) I can fall asleep without him quite easily now. Of course I would never hurt his feelings and I am sure he loves his 5* hotel rooms and not being woken up by yelling children but he says not:)

Yellow: yes, very remote! it gives me problems... I dont know I have been here over 11 years, came before I met him, so yes, winters are looong but after so many years its hard to tell. But we are not here because of his work its me who actually have more oportunities than in my home country. He keeps dreaming of going there but I know its not as bright and shiny as he thinks...

Lavander: we actually thought about the hotel babysitter, but no, I couldnt do it; have never left DD with anyone I dont know.
I do miss my friends and family like crazy, but as said before I am not here because of him. But I guess yes, I find this a bit (a lot?) boring

but that is the whole point! this place is remote and boring and I didnt muss him!? I am quite happy alone with DD!? dont know...

Not missing him doesn't have to mean you are out of love, it could means you are self reliant and enjoy your own company and that of your dd.
If you have to spend time like this it's a good way to be. If you couldn't manage and wept every night, then I think it would be more of a problem.
Do you enjoy his company when he is there? Do you have fun? You can get a stand up DVD you both like and have a laugh, or something.

Think about the hotel though. I don't like leaving the dc either, but it's not fair on dh, and I'm not bf anymore:) we get them asleep and have a lady from the hotel sit in the suite and watch tv on quiet. It's quite safe! Youre only in the dining room.

If you can't bear the thought of that, then let her sleep in the buggy next to you, or have a lunch where there is kids entertainment? Not sure where you are tbh.

It's important to keep a bond together, and have an interest you both share. I have started doing my family history which gives me conversation, and isn't about the dc or WORK!!

He is trying, as you say, can you try too? It's easy to fall into a routine of managing alone ( experience) so you have to try. It's not all his responsibility.

I have tried no end! I even bought the gear and too up.cycling, I got to motorbike races... but he jyst likes doing his own thing most of the time. Do I enjoy his company? sometimes, not always. No. That is the problem, I was so happy by myself...
The hotel thing no because for a night out be do have babysitters and we have done it. i'd say 30% of the times where fun. As he doesn't really like going out for a meal, he thinks is unnecesarily spending money as its a lot cheaper to eat at home!
We thought of going to watch The Book of Mormon to London because we both will enjoy and laugh, and that does involve a lot of planning and it puts us off so I guess it wont happen its just so sad really.

It is sad Kione and frankly life is too short to spend it being sad day after day.

It sounds an odd situation in a way, as you have chosen to live in a place you don't really like, and now you find yourself with a man you (probably) don't love. It seems a waste doesn't it?

Hopefully you will get a chance to talk while you are away, perhaps once you have had a nice time at the theatre and cleared your head a bit, before you come back actually sit and talk together rationally. He sounds like a reasonable person.

Perhaps it would be better to put some timescale on it to give yourself some hope - maybe 2 months and if you don't feel any differently do a trial separation?

Well, I don't dislike the place its just remote and sometimes that is a bit claustrophobic but I do go home often, about twice a year and back home finding a job and a place to live is near impossible, so I have always been very grateful to what I got here. Pretty much from the start I was able to rent my own flat and that for me was heaven (past family life complicated) and that is why I decided to stay.

Now, I did a Uni degree back home with no hopes of getting a job in that, my mums advice was literally "study something you will enjoy because the job market is getting worse and worse (she was right 15 years ago!!) and you will end up with a crappy one so at least enjoy your Uni years" and now I have my dream job here! I had never dreamt that would happen so we are staying put! The job is only until the end of march but with great opportunities coming. SO that, and DD keep me afloat and its no a waste at all to be here.

And I do love DP, a lot, but not ina passionate, couply way... But I will deffinitely try and push for that weekend away. It really does sound like waht we need to see if there is any spark left.

A timescale seem a bit scary though!

well, I think I love him anyway. I dont even know how to assess that one anymore...

Hope you can rekindle the flame, it sounds like things that might be good for you are 'a lot of effort' and that you dismiss them?

my doubt is, can wr rekindle the flame? is it possible? I want to be in love again

oh to have the passion of 1st love again!! It is possible if love is there. only trying will tell1!!!

not so much as the first love! but to have that feeling of being with the right person and want to be with them forever...

DP saw this thread he us very very hurt but at least we talked about it and it snapped me out of the spiral of focusing on the negative things. I am focusing on the good things we have and I like about him and go from there... now I need experiences of people that have been here and come out the other side together and happy! I will open another thread...