feel like i am in big trouble

[mummykendra]

Can anyone give me some advice. i asked my partner of nine years to leave as our relationship was not working. previous to this i had found out that he had been cheating for some time and just after our daughters birthday he walked out on us for the other woman. when he went he left us with nothing, he cost me my job and at one point it felt like the balifs had become my best friend!! i lost everything but the house and ended up on benifits.

My ex left me in thousands of pounds worth of debt and its debt that will never leave us. After some months my ex came back and we decided to give it another go but it didn't work. he wouldn't come near me, wouldn't even cuddle me and we drifted apart. a few weeks back i decided to end it and asked him to go, which he did. But over the past few months i have been seeing someone who is so lovely and i love spending time with him. he makes me feel special and is so amazing but is so complicated in every way possible, and now i find i am preganant. I know he does not want a child and i don't think i should tell him as i don't want our relationship to change. but i feel very confused and don't have anyone to talk to. please help. sorry for the long rant.

kendra xx

Could you say a bit more about why it's so complicated with the new man? And how are you so certain he won't want the baby?

More importantly, what do you want to do?

I think you'll have to tell him and talk to him about what you both feel. But the ultimate decision is yours, and I really hope he comes through and supports you in whatever you decide to do.

thank you. he is very complicated, i didn't know he was with someone plus he has other children. so i know for a fact he don't want anymore. i don't want to tell him as i think it would make things worse plus, i haven't got a clue what i want. x

OK: you need to start by working out what you do want.

Use us as a sounding board if you have no-one handy in RL.

When you say "he was with someone" do you mean he's married?

OK, get rid of the man and make yourself a promise to have nothing to do with men in romantic/sexual contexts for at least a year. You clearly need to do some work on your expectations, self-esteem and boundaries or you will carry on picking one arsehole after another. As to the pregnancy, that's a decision only you can make: never mind what the man thinks. It might help to talk it through with a sensible counsellor - ask your GP but check that you are not going to end up with some antichoice nutter.

I'm not sure I understand. You're with a lovely man who doesn't want children, but you're pregnant and don't want to tell him (not sure you'll manage to hide it for all that long) and now you've found out he's married?

Did I get that this "lovely" man is in a relationship with someone else and has children (maybe with ow?)

Sounds like you'd be better off without either of them

What do you WANT to happen? if you could have whatever it is you wanted, what do you want? Do you want happy ever after wiht this man and his child?

Without sounding cruel, you know this isn't going to happen don't you? He took advantage of you when you were at your lowest ebb and you probably aren't the first he has done this with.

So, with that in mind you can put him out of the equation and decide what you want to do with the baby? Do you want to have it? Do you think you could get rid of it? Do you have time on your side? Can you give yourself a deadline? Say next week - no contact with the slimeball?

Should you tell him? there is part of me that says you should because i suspect he will show his true colours.

Sorry you are going through this

thank you, for all your posts. i feel really numb at the moment. and i suppose if i am truthfull i am falling for this fella. in january i was admitted into hospital with pnumonia, (so i am still poorly from that) and he came to see me as a friend. i know him via work and have liked him for a long time but never thought he would be interested in someone like me. and being truthful yes i would like to have a happy ending but in reality i feel it won't happen. he is 48 and i am 36, so i can understand why he wouldn't want anymore kids. i am not sure i do. i have been on the pill but i have also been taken lots of meds for chest infections etc. can u really tell a fella after 8 weeks your pregnant????! i really don't think i could. xx p.s i suppose my biggest question is would any of you keep the baby and let him walk. as the way the situation is, he couldn't have anything to do with it. xx

What SGB said. You need to think about what you want, independently of what the men in your life want. Assume you are going to be a single parent. Contact BPAS for some counselling about the pregnancy. Tell new man the truth, and while you're at it either dump him or tell him he has to choose between you and his wife. Personally though I think you should just dump him. Then stick to your guns.

With the level of debt you say you have, there's no way you can afford to bring another dc into the world without financial support from the man who was so quick to take advantage of your ill-health have unprotected sex with you, let alone whether you can emotionally afford to raise another dc without any other form of input from its father.

You may have fooled yourself into thinking you're 'falling' for this man but this is most probably because he superficially appears to be kinder or more considerate than your ex who's only very recently left you and your dd 'with nothing' and no doubt has done so without a backward glance.

In truth, you barely know this man and what you know of him suggests that, far from being a fairytale prince in disguise, he's another louse who'll do the dirty on you sooner or later - after all, he hasn't scrupled to do the dirty on his current dp, has he?

Given that this pg has come about by accident rather than design, it would seem not only practical and logical, but also in the best interests of you and your dd, for it to be ended at this early stage by the simple expedient of swallowing a few more pills which your GP or nearest hospital can prescribe.

Please don't allow woolly thinking or misguided sentiment to make your life any more complicated than it already is, and please act on SGB's sound advice to give yourself a long break from involvement with the opposite sex while you take steps to get yourself to a place where you won't fall victim to any more takers and chancers.

hi everyone, thank u for being here for me. it really is helping. i am sort of coming to the decision of not carrying on with the preganancy but am worried about how i may be afterwards. this is going to sound silly but i think u all know that about me anyway!!
after years of trying for a child myself and my ex discovered we were pregnant. i was over the moon, but soon afterwards the hyperemisis set in and soon i was in and out of hospital. this was really hard going as the amount of sick time i had nearly cost me my job, i work as a nurse and at the time had a very horrible boss. well cut along story short i had a termination, at the time i begged my ex to let us keep it but he said i was too ill. it took four hours to get me on the operating table and even then i was begging the staff to help me keep my baby. i woke up to being dragged off the table and felt like crap, wondering what on earth i had done. i felt like that for years and have never really got over it. its got better cause i have my daughter.
but i don't want to ever feel like that again. sorry for moaning xxx

Go with your heart on the baby.

I would stay single for a while if I were you.