need ur wisdom with my situation :(

[OMGmylifesucks]

firstIme on .MN so apologies in advance for a long rant.

DH and I have been together for almost 10 years now and have one DC. I have somewhat become disabled over the past few years and eveything that can go wrong with my health & our finances has. we have seen some thirty times but somehow manage to get through them (a lot hard work from both of us). now I've become more ill and poor DH has to deal with evrything e.g paying bills, letters to creditors etc. he's been doing it for 3 months now before that I was dealing with it.

he's been getting more and more fed up with it all & has mentioned he feels under pressure on about 10 occasions now. every occasion he has used it to scream n shout n generally say put down things like I need to find a way to get better as he cannot deal with me getting worse n worse. he says I need to realise I'm a mother and have responsibilities! it's as if he thinks I'm making myself more and.more ill on purpose. I admit I suffer from mental health and some people see don't consider that to be a real health issue but none of my health problems r under my control.

I have trying really hard to keep myself ticking along. I know I'm not a perfect mother but I do as much as I can with my DD from feeding her to changing nappies. I just don't do things like take her to nursery (I've can't walk) or give her a bath.

FFS I even manage to be intimate with him at least one a week & sometimes upto 3 times a week. I don't say anything but that really takes it out of me & I don't want him to feel bad so I pretend I'm fine.

I think I'm.doing everything in my will power to make this work but I'm slowly diminishing away. I feel like a burden on him now & just wanna grab my coat & my walking stick and just walk out. I mean who would miss me... they will all probably breathe a sigh of relief. no more hospital runs, no more planning their life around me....

am I over reacting???

sorry about the typo's I'm on my phone

Not sure what to say, but if he was living alone he'd still have all those responsibilities.
Could you, together, think of ways to facilitate things to lighten the load, and set out how much you can contribute?

I understand about the mh issues, but, sometimes, those around have to be a bit tough. He should not put you down, but making you responsible for somethings might actually help (no idea of what it is, so quite possibly off the mark here).

You do need constant dialogue about how you are and what you can't do.

I've been on the other side and having no info it's the worst.
Say, if ex actually managed to say he was too tired to make dinner, or even didn't feel like it, I'd do it.
Otherwise I did expect him to do it. And would be really annoyed I'd he let the time go and just sit there.

And ask him what he would expect if the situation was reversed.

leuji that's just it since my mental breakdown about 2 months ago I know I'm not the same person & find it hard to talk to him. little things set me of & I start having panic attacks & suicidal thoughts. He is well aware of this but it's like he expects me to magically just be healed now apparently I've had enough time to recover!

my psychologist & Dr have all spoken to him and my family and explained my condition so no one is in the dark.

as far as situation being reversed is concerned it was about 3 years ago the he was bed bound after an op for 6 months. I supported him by working during the day & then looking after him at night. it was tough & he was abusive to me throughout his recovery time but I didnt say anything because I knew it was probably due to the meds.....

Sadly, it seems that the abusive streak was not due to the meds.

Still, it might be related to stress, and being a carer can be tough.
Could he get counselling to develop the psychological tools to deal wit it?

Otherwise and if it goes on and on, you might need to consider what your options are. :(

disabledparentsnetwork.org

womensaid.org

disabled women are more likely to suffer domestic violence

I would understand if he was caring for me in that way I.e helping me bathe etc but he doesn't I do all if that myself. he is responsible for cooking/cleaning our home & as I said paying bill's n stuff.

maybe I'm just being selfish here & need to realise he feels under pressure. but the nasty comments will eventually push me off the edge again :(

Julia I'm in I've just looked at the website & some of the signs mentioned I can relate to!

Wow this is pretty similar to my situation on the surface (there's a thread called advice for a dad if you want to read it), however my wife was nowhere near as nice as you about it. I got on with everything, rarely snapped, and if I did just explained I was tired and was not aimed at her. She ended up having an affair and we have now seperated, citing me neglecting her when in fact I had turned into a robot.

What I can say is that if you want to change the way things are and stay together you both need to talk it out. Go to relate, or get a mediator. You can both get what you want with some compromise. Maybe you can get extra help? I wish we'd done all that, but my wife was really dishonest asnd took the cowards way out.

Before I left I suggested my wife could do a lot of things without moving too much-help with kids homework, read them stories, talk through problems with them, sort bills and paperwork etc but she drifted back to doing nothing. Perhaps you could set some time aside to talk calmly with your husband? Communication is the way forward.

thanks skaboy & sorry your wife didn't want to work things out.

your right about talking it through but it doesn't seem to be working. we talk and things r ok for 24 hrs then we're back to same old way. a mediator sounds like a good way forward but I can hear his answer my head (it's not v.polite).

don't get me wrong he does have a lot of positive attributes & I do really love him & would die for him & he'd do the same but I don't think we can handle the way things are. I'm over sensitive & he's always angry (not a got combination).

I don't know I'm just feeling and

Actually, are you having any kind of therapy?

Although, there remains th question of whether you are being too sensitive or he's being a twat.

Somehow, if your family and doctor had to talk to him, maybe it's not only you.
Is he the same in front of your family?

Ah bless I hope you work it out. It sounds like you need a bit of a revolution somehow in your day to day life. If your hubby really wants to hold onto something then he'll have to address it. It sounds like you are ready for addressing it so hopefully whatever happens its a positive solution for you all. You might just need to put an initial shock / ultimatum or something to persuade him. But I guess only you know what woulkd be the best way to do that.

I think you need to recognise that he is under unbearable stress. You are too, but I have nursed mentally ill, suicidal friends 24/7 before and it sucks you dry. Looking after people you love dearly and want to help can still suck you dry if they expect perfection and 100% understanding at all times, whilst being as needy as a tiny baby.

That's not a criticism. You are ill. You are needy. You don't need to apologise for it at all. But I really don't think he deserves any blame either, as carer ith all the responsibility for work and home life, young DC and a partner who is suicidal. Can't be easy for him to hang in there. He needs a lot of support and appreciation from somewhere. Or he'll crack in some way.

no he's calm in front of my family - as soon as we get in the car to go home he will start putting them down. he says the only reason he has been civilized around them is because of me. I know my family don't help either with the constant nagging but this routine has started to really get to me! I just wanna tell em talk to shut the hell up.

thanks skaboy I hope we find a resolution soon too.

apatchylass I completely understand it's not easy for him at all. our DC has been looked after by my parents since she was born (3 years ago). on the rare occasions that I'm doing ok we take her home for the weekend. for the past 2 year's I've been living at my parents too so he doesn't have to look after me either. I only go to mine for a few hours in the evening. I've tried to make it as easy for him as possible. I can't do anymore then this. or is there something more I could be doing.h

this isn't about blaming him it's about me trying to work out if we still have a relationship??? I feel like were losing that part of us.