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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner admitted to sex with transexuals

67 replies

Needhelpfast · 02/03/2013 08:20

Please, please, please help. I feel distraught, I don't know what to do.

My partner of 12 years just admitted he has been having sex with transexuals, no a one off, every now and then. I feel disgusted that he has been lying to me all this time. I need serious help, because all I want to do is kill myself.

I knew he enjoyed watching the transexual porn, but accepted he had this addiction. He has taken it a step further with acting out his fantasy. I kept telling him he should give me a real shot at love if he can't be faithful (he has cheated before) but he kept insisting he loved me and wanted to be a family (we have four kids).

I know he will continue to live out his fantasy, because when I asked him he said he didn't know if he could live without this in his life.

I am happy he has felt he could be honest, but devastated by his reality. He has been living a whole different life. I think he has been using me has his cover to say he has a happy family.

He treats me like crap most of the time, but is a good, not great, father to our children.

I will never be intimate with him again because of his dishonesty, but I want out of the relationship. This is way too much for me to deal with. Too many secrets and lies.

I am pregnant now and would have to sacrifice everything I worked hard for. He has destroyed my life. Suicide is an option, butt would hurt my kids too much.

Please help someone, I am very fragile right now. Am crying as I type, so sorry if there are any grammatical errors.

OP posts:
ArtVandelay · 02/03/2013 08:25

I'm so sorry to hear this, you must feel.terrible but please don't hurt yourself - he is not worth it and your kids need you.

You must get some real life support. Are you married? Call a lawyer. I think you should get him out of the house so you can get your head straight. Don't be afraid to tell people, this is his shame and f*ck up, not yours.

Iammyhair · 02/03/2013 08:25

Please do not think about killing yourself. Please. He has betrayed you, you, your unborn baby and children deserve more. He needs to leave. You deserve love and respect not being someone's cover for a secret life.

I'm so sorry this has happened. Do you have any rl support, someone you could call now?

Un mumsnetty hugs to you. I'm sure others with better advice will be along soon. Until then im Hand holding xx

ArtVandelay · 02/03/2013 08:27

Can someone please post Olgaga's list of stuff/ support when going it alone?

I'm on my phone.

joblot · 02/03/2013 08:27

Sounds like youre in a very unpleasant marriage generally. Have you considered counseling? There's loads of practical advice around to make ending the marriage feasible and manageable, someone with more knowledge will be along soon. Really sorry you're having to go through such an awful time

Southeastdweller · 02/03/2013 08:33

Really sorry to hear this. If possible when you've got some strength I would kick him out for at least a while to get some head space, then get a lawyer, as well as being STD tested. As of now I would get on the phone to a friend or someone in your family and let it all out.

Coconutty · 02/03/2013 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecondhandRose · 02/03/2013 08:38

Really sorry to hear this, how much will your life change if you ask him to leave? Another 'woe is me' husband. Try to be strong but seek some urgent support.

kittybiscuits · 02/03/2013 08:39

So terribly sorry you are in this horrible situation OP. Is there someone in real life you can call to come round and be with you? You need support right now to deal with the shock and terrible hurt. Please see your GP on Monday and get some professional support. If you can't keep yourself safe - if you actually plan to harm yourself, please call samaritans for support or out of hours GP. It's normal to have such bleak thoughts when you're shocked and heart broken and can't see a way forward. It will pass. Is anyone with you? x

UnlikelyAmazonian · 02/03/2013 08:45

What a shit. he has put you and your unborn baby at risk with his sexual 'needs' and ugly lies. How bloody dare he. Angry Angry

Whereabouts in the country do you live? I am so very sorry you're having to face such a harrowing situation.

You have been saintly frankly, to forgive him for being a cheating toe-rag in the past and exceptionally mature and accepting to allow him to gorp at transexual porn.

But he's utterly exploited your acceptance by acting out these desires. He does not deserve you and he certainly needs to leave the house.

If you kill yourself your poor children will be left in the hands of this ruthless deceitful man. Do not do that to them!

Do you rent or own your home? It sounds like you aren't married so you can tell him to leave. He can bed down with one of his tranny partners he would rather keep having sex with.

You need some proper RL help and support right now. Who can you call? The Samaritans if there is no one immediate you feel you can talk to...keep posting on here.

You need to get blood angry, not suicidal.

I repeat. What an utter shit your P is.

Original poster
Needhelpfast · 02/03/2013 08:45

I looked at the history of our computer and saw all these transexual websites he visited as well as video downloads.

I cannot talk to anyone I know about this. I feel too embarrassed. What does this say about me? I have been a real fool. I ignored all the warning signs, as well as the obvious. He has been very controlling, but I did not acknowledge this. He was a,ways hiding his phone. I am not married, I work, he looks after the kids. I would have to give up my job for a while until I can get back on my feet when I kick him out.

Been punching myself and screaming. Never thought this would be me. Need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start thinking more rationally, but can't right now.

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 02/03/2013 08:47

Samaritans 24/7 helpline: 08457 90 90 90

UnlikelyAmazonian · 02/03/2013 08:54

Come on girl, you can get through this. Your employer needs to know you will be off work for a while.... if you broke both legs you would have no choice so consider this to be such a situation (only a bit worse! Bastard.)

Stop punching yourself also. Where is your deceitful shagging P right now?

How old are your children also?
You will get financial help if you have to give up work...and you will be on maternity leave at some point soon anyway?

He does indeed sound a controlling arse. Five kids and he still wants to dip his wick into transexuals and thinks he can't stop himself?

Sod that.

let us on here think rationally for you: First, disengage from him.
If he is the house now then get him out - he can use the money he has been spending on sex, to rent a room somewhere.
If he is not at home then calmly let him know that he is not to return.
If he is likely to get violent then dial 999.
Telephone a colleague at work and let them know you cannot work next week as you have gastric bug and have been sick.
Think only hour by hour for now.
Put the kettle on.
I am so angry on your behalf.
Who is your closest friend? People will want to support you.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 02/03/2013 08:59

Oh and it says nothing about you - it says everything about him.

My ex-H had been looking at LadyBoys sites, affair sites, escort sites, no-string-attached-married-sex sites and christ knows what else before fecking off to Thailand leaving me with our baby. So I am able to imagine a bit of what you're feeling and going through right now.

You have four children and are pregnant. You really DO need to get some proper RL help. Your lovely Dcs need you. It doesn't matter if you cry loads - I wailed for England. But you simply can't sacrifice your own life for this shagging weak nasty little man.

Keep posting. We amazonians can get through this you know.

kittybiscuits · 02/03/2013 08:59

It doesn't say anything about you. It says everything about him. Please stop trying to protect him - he put you in this position. You need help right now. Please either call someone to come round now, call Samaritans on the number above or ring the out of hours GP. Please don't hurt yourself. You will ruin your childrens lives and he's not worth it. You can't see it now, of course, but you will find a way through this and you do not need this selfish bastard in your life.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 02/03/2013 09:02

Shagger can find a room here: www.spareroom.co.uk or stay with friend/family.

Put the heating on/do yourself a hot water bottle and make yourself a piece of toast.

MrsHelsBels74 · 02/03/2013 09:14

Everyone has the choice about whether to be faithful or not. This says nothing about you, it's about him being an unfaithful dick who thinks he can do what he likes & get away with it.

Do you have close by friends/family you could talk to, not necessarily about why it's happened but that your relationship is over & you need support?

Original poster
Needhelpfast · 02/03/2013 09:28

I can't do this. I can't. This is too much for me. I had a stillbirth last year and he says that the last time he was with one was last year. I feel sick. I have been suffering severe depression since and now this. I can't see the other side right now, I just see devastation and disaster. The lazy fuck won't do any house work but found the time to make secret liaisons with transexuals, presumably in hotels or something.

He will get violent I know. I will just have to take that. I want to get out the house NOW. Feel like I am suffocating, don't want the kids to see me so upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needhelpfast · 02/03/2013 09:33

I really do not feel I can talk to anyone. They they query why I am still with him. They will probably be too fed up to hear a new saga and in the back of their minds think that I will only be back with him.

The last time he knocked me out was a month ago, yes I called the police. They arrested him and then released him without even telling me and he came straight back to the house.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 02/03/2013 09:34

Would he leave? Ask him to leave. Tell him to leave. You need space to get your thoughts together. Would your family be able to help you out? You can tell them he's been cheating with women if the truth is too much at the moment.

JaceyBee · 02/03/2013 09:35

Do you have anyone that can come over and be with you? Whereabouts in the uk are you?

Just take some slow, deep breaths in and out. You WILL get through this.

itwillgetbettersoon · 02/03/2013 09:41

Where are you? You must ask for help. Your friends and family will want to help you. Please don't think a out ending it all - your beautiful children will need you. He needs to leave while you get help. X thinking of you and there are lots of us here that can help you. X

ArtVandelay · 02/03/2013 09:44

The police didn't help? This is insane. Call the police on 101 and ask for an officer for when you tell him to get out and also call, right now, women's aid and the Domestic Abuse unit at the police.

He has got to go ASAP - I'm getting quite frightened for you OP as you are abused in so many ways.

Original poster
Needhelpfast · 02/03/2013 09:44

East London.

Don't want to have a row in front of the kids. I will text him, he seems to understand written communication better.

I am so mad. I feel like a crazy woman. I am going through a roller coaster of emotions. Everything is starting to make sense. No sex, no emotional connection, not spending time with me.

You know that line in a few good men that says " you can't handle the truth" we'll that is how I feel. I had my suspicions of cheating but never had the proof. Now he as told the truth I am freaking out.

OP posts:
whattodoo · 02/03/2013 09:50

Can you call Women's Aid? They will support and advise you.

you have a future, but probably not with him. You will work out a solution, just take one step at a time.

I really think you need to get him out, or you need to leave with the children, urgently.

You do not need to mention the transexual element of his infidelity at the moment, just say that he's been unfaithful if it helps.

Please don't hurt yourself anymore. You are carrying a beautiful bay who will love you and your children doubtless want to see you happy.

kalidanger · 02/03/2013 09:53

I'm in East London too and I'm sending you live out over this mild grey day.

Please breathe, OP. This is a big deal and you absolutely need help. Don't get confused about being brave/coping and also panicking. Call a friend to talk to x