Mismatched sex drives

[Arana]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 9 and have two DCs, aged 5 and 3.

We've had our ups and downs, good times and bad times. What has always been apparent is that we have differing sex drives. DH would like it there times a week, while I'm happy with once a fortnight.

It now affects most parts of our lives. DH is in a semi-permanent grump (I'm thinking mild depression, but he doesn't see it like that). Essentially, he is mourning the loss of the sex life that we will never have.

I don't know how to move on from this. This is who we are, even with compromise it's too much for me and not enough for him. We can't even be affectionate together because he gets turned on with a look, and I feel threatened.

How do we sort this?

Ok, first off, this is very common - there are lots of threads on here that might help you feel in good company.

Secondly, if you can't be affectionate without him getting grumpy about it not going further, that would seem likely to drive frequency down more as you are starting from a greater emotional distance.

Thirdly, do you enjoy it when you do have sex?

Fourthly, do you have equal amounts if free time after work, childcare, chores etc?

Need to sleep now but US posters may well be along soon.

...so hopefully someone else will respond too.

I am suffering this too & only 2 months into a relationship

Don't know what the answer is :(

Yes, I do enjoy it when we have sex, but I'm easily overwhelmed, and I often find it too much. I'm very sensitive to touch and sounds.

As for chores, we both work full time and the remaining time is divided up pretty evenly. I don't think there's any issue there. There's always more stuff to do than we have time for, but that's the easy with all things.

The reality is you might be better off apart. You have an entitlement not to want any more sex than you're having. Some might argue he's entitled to want more than he's getting but I'm very firmly in the 'sex is a want not a need' camp and for me, someone who can't express affection or who can't respond to expressions of affection without trying it on every time would be a deal breaker. Can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life dealing with this?
Alternatively you could try and get counselling and express both your views there...

Were you always easily overwhelmed?

I find myself more hyper-sensitive to variations in touch etc when I'm not really into the moment - does that ring any bells?

Why not just give him a hand-job?