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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH unfaithful cliche, but minded to tell him to shove it. Too hasty?

61 replies

DHtotalnob · 01/03/2013 23:36

Hi - I've trawled these threads and realise that my story is almost exactly the same as everyone else's: DH, nice bloke and all, decides to express his unhappiness with reality by boning a colleague. Totally found out and now wants to start again. I have read so much good advice and feel at least that I'm thinking clearly.

However, there's one area of advice that I just can't get my head round but want to see if I'm missing the point. The gist seems to be that you make him break contact with OW and check he has done it and even tell OW DH to make doubly sure you've scuppered the relationship, then keep him on a short leash around texting and emails etc.

This doesn't sit right with me - I want him to stop what he's doing because he wants to, to be with his family, and not because I've forced him. My thinking at the moment is that he's been irresponsible enough and if he chooses to carry on he can fuck off, frankly.

Another however - I only found out about this last weekend and I am also aware that I probably don't know what I'm feeling at the moment.

Any insight or advice very much appreciated. xx

PS: DD1 is 4, DD2 is 14 mo. DH is 39 and a massive baby.

OP posts:
Toastismyfriend · 01/03/2013 23:39

I see what you're saying..no advice i'm afraid..but sounds reasonable to me. Sorry he's being such a complete twonk x

maleview70 · 01/03/2013 23:42

Sorry to be blunt but not only is your story exactly
The same as everyone else but the ending seems to be too.

He is 39 not 19.

He has 2 children that you gave to him.

He is a cock and you are almost forgiving him before he has had to do any work.

If you forgive him this easily he will be back "boning" her before you know it.

pictish · 01/03/2013 23:44

A massive baby. Can you elaborate on that?
And you're right btw. Your reasoning is well sound.

Original poster
DHtotalnob · 01/03/2013 23:49

Thanks both - this thing works quick!

To clarify, he checked into a hotel the same day I found out and I made him come back and I took the room. We swapped the next day - he's been at a crappy hotel and we're having a summit tomorrow.

OP posts:
Fairypants · 01/03/2013 23:50

I think the reason for short leash is to check it is over iyswim.
I agree and still struggle with the fact the ow broke off with DH long before I found out- I feel it would have been easier if he had chosen me over her.
If you can give him freedom to choose whilst still knowing what he is choosing, that sounds like a good way forward to me.
Good luck :)

tessa6 · 01/03/2013 23:54

You place exactly the right value on yourself to insist that you think he should be the one doing the realising, begging and running. Feeling that you are making demands on him can feel like one is mothering someone who frankly should be able to behave themselves, and certainly should love enough to give up whatever affection the have found of their own accord.

The trouble is that most infidelitous people will lie, about the extent and about the contact and about the ramifications. So even if he says he wants to and will give up contact, it's hard to tell from the outside whether he is honest or not without having some recourse to checking.

I think you are absolutely right that if you reasonably say that any further contact with her loses you and his family, and he isn't sure or refuses, you should leave him

tessa6 · 01/03/2013 23:54

Or rather think of it that he is showing you that he can not do what is necessary, so that he is choosing to leave.

Original poster
DHtotalnob · 01/03/2013 23:54

Pictish: only that I've been going almost mad trying to get him emotionally engaged, but he preferred to really blow everything apart rather than do anything to help himself and us. I'm mad and sad and all the rest of it, but also a bit over it being a one way street. Because of DC though, I want to be absolutely sure that I have looked at every angle and not made a decision when I'm not really in a fit state to do that.

OP posts:
BeforeAndAfter · 02/03/2013 00:05

You?re right - you can?t force him to give up OW if he doesn?t want to, and his wanting to is key. I tried that with my ex but he didn?t want to and he lied and became incredibly creative in covering up when he met her.

She wore a disgusting perfume that I could smell from 50 paces ... one day I came home from work and his bath towel was damp, so I knew he must have spent the afternoon with her and then had a shower. So, and you?ll think I?m crazy, and for a while I was, I checked the laundry bin to see if I could smell her perfume on his clothes in there - nothing. I found his ?OW shirt? tucked at the back of his wardrobe - I knew it had to be somewhere. He had stooped to having a special outfit and hiding it from me and I had stooped to frantic snooping.

I?m only telling you this to demonstrate that you can?t force your H, he has to choose but you can spell out what he will lose if he goes. If he chooses you it's not easy by any means, it's hard work for both of you and he also has to be prepared to work with you and explain why he was unfaithful so that you can fix that together.

Good luck - you seem to have your head screwed on.

Original poster
DHtotalnob · 02/03/2013 00:05

Wow - I'm a newbie and all these sound words are almost overwhelming. Thank you to all.

He also said he loved her, but is aware he only sees her fun freedom-giving side, and vice versa. And that he loves me and the children and wants to make that work. I seem to have a very strong inbuilt 'non-compete' clause that I didn't realise I had and my initial reaction is to tell him to stick his affections up his arse. Is he just being honest about his feelings (as he interprets them - he's a serial female-in-trouble befriender and obviously gets an emotional boost out of it)?

OP posts:
PowerPants · 02/03/2013 00:12

Did he tell HER he loved her or is he just telling you he loved her?

Good luck OP, you do sound very together, funny, precise and smart. Which makes you worth more than a massive baby.

maleview70 · 02/03/2013 00:13

Well just kick him out then. Dickheads like your partner are just not worth the hassle.

Original poster
DHtotalnob · 02/03/2013 00:19

He told me, and they told each other in the charming text exchange I found.

Thank you all so much. I have to sleep now to prepare for tomorrow, but I feel much stronger. Thank you.

OP posts:
TheNorthWitch · 02/03/2013 00:56

I would go with telling him to stick his affections up his arse quite frankly but I loathe infidelity and am very unforgiving of it. He would need to be crawling over broken glass before I'd even think about it. The only time I ever went back with a cheater they did it again!

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2013 13:42

One thing I learned (the hard way) is that you can't stop another person's relationship. You can physically prevent them meeting but you can't stop him wanting her. Nowadays you can't even stop them communicating.

One thing I heard on here was the advice I wish I'd been given. End it now. Immediately. Tell him there's no going back. You need to shock him into realising what he's lost. Now either he'll go and live with her, in which case it's ended conclusively and you don't have any "will he, won't he" nonsense and it's a swift but hard ending, or he will sober up and realise what he's done.

If he does the latter, you still don't take him back, not until several months have passed and he realises it's you he wants, the contact with the other woman has ended because he's ended it and she absolutely knows it's you he wants, and when he realises life without you is utterly miserable.

You could do that, or you could do like I did and forgive him before he'd even finished apologising, have loads of sex with him to stamp your mark on him (that's a huge punishment for him of course) and then try to pretend nothing happened. In which case he goes and does the same thing again.

Have you heard of hysterical bonding? It's well worth looking up. If I'd known that's what I'd been doing, I wouldn't have felt like I was going mad.

practicality · 02/03/2013 14:46

I couldn't be arsed with engaging with this sort of nonsense. The emotional roller coaster of winning the 'prize' of a cheat who chooses you. I wouldn't want to be in a position where I would be chosen in such circumstances.

Tell him to stick it up his arse as you were inclined. Move on with your life leaving this drain behind.

I mean, just the thought that he could be telling another woman he loves her whilst you are raising your small children makes him a whole new kind of revolting. What an absolute insult. How could go back to having a sexual relationship with him without being grossed out? He has sullied your relationship with HIS selfish choices. Make it your choice to dump him from a great height.

Good luck x

muddyboots · 02/03/2013 15:20

I have no wise words other than this is exactly how I feel!

My DH leaves has un-passworded his phone and computer and leaves them lying around. I don't bother to check them. He presumably knows how to use the 'delete' button now and his OW will know only to text him whilst he's at work or late at night when he's in his bedroom. (I've no idea if this is the case!)

It seems odd to apply the old "if you love somebody set them free" cliche to the post-affair recovery but that's the rule I'm using. I can't make him love me and I can't make him cut contact with her.

I'm also very concerned (because of messages that I have read) that my DH is trying to save his reputation and doesn't want to be seen to be the bad guy who leaves his wife and very young family.

Well done OP on making him stay whilst you took the hotel. I like your style!

Branleuse · 02/03/2013 15:32

honestly. your thinking is spot on. I don't think you're being hasty. You're not obliged to put up with it and its incredibly easy to not cheat on someone if you don't want to.
people who cheat actively want to.

PureQuintessence · 02/03/2013 15:46

If he has told both her and you that he loves her, that is it then, is it not?

There is only one way, and that is the bin bag way.

He tells you he loves you and the kids because he has to, he is on self preservation mode. Right now he has to save what he can so that HE can call the shots and move on when it SUITS HIM, rather than now because this was not his plan.

Cherriesarelovely · 02/03/2013 18:35

Sorry to hear of your situation OP, you sound brilliant by the way. I think I have the same "non competing" thing in me too. I would absolutely not want to "fight" for someone that was cheating on me. Sod them, if they don't want me enough they can fuck off! You are very wise to explore different options though.

Concentrateonthegood · 02/03/2013 19:14

OP, you're entirely right. I wouldn't want to have to live my life trying to control someone in such a why. There again, I couldn't forgive unfaithfulness and he would be gone, as indeed he was when I found out. Hope all works as for the best for you.

Teahouse · 02/03/2013 19:25

Sounds like you are being very sensible. If he doesn't want to stay, why woud you want him to...why spend your energy on keeping a cheater in line when you have 2 wonderful children and yourself to spend energy on instead.
Good luck

Original poster
DHtotalnob · 03/03/2013 10:22

Again, huge thank you. This has been so so helpful. I just have today to get out of the way and I'll post an update, DD2 allowing, tonight. xxx

OP posts:
Ledkr · 03/03/2013 10:32

Op -do take some time to let the other option wash over you (splitting up)
Look at financial options etc.
it's admiral of you to want to fight for your family but from what others have said it will be a long and frankly soul destroying road ahead. Mistrust self doubt and suspicion.
I considered this when ex cheated but pretty quickly decided that it wasn't for me. I personally found it easier to deal with to split even after 18 yrs and 4 dc.
He also told me he loved her and I could see no way back.
It was hard but I think staying is harder and I made a nice life for me Nd the children.
Giid luck today.

pinkypig · 03/03/2013 10:53

Good luck today. I found out last Monday that mine had been having an affair for 15 months. We have 4 kids 6, 4, 2 and 10 months.

I told him to leave while I think about what I want. I have zero desire to have him living under my roof. He is staying in a hostel as we have very little money (he lost his well-paid job last year as a result of the inter-office affair) so he is staying in a hostel. A huge come-down! He seems destroyed and says he wants to make amends, to make the marriage work. I think after this kind of situation, both parties need space to work out what they feel without the huge emotions around.
I don't know if I even like my husband anymore as the lying, cheating, grumpy man of the last 15 months was awful to live with (I put it down to the loss of job - sill me!)
Good luck you are not alone.

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