I really need some wise words of advice please

[MissRabbitsLoveSlave]

Morning. I've nc.

I have come to the end of the road in my relationship but I am worried that I am stuck.

Background is we have 2 dcs, one school age, one pre school. My oh has been a SAHD for 3 years.

I am the main earner for family. We live in a toal rural backwater with very few jobs, and those that are around are a long way away.

I have a good and reasonably secure job which is a good hour long drive from home.

The house is in my name. We have been together for 14 years. He has no money and no savings to call his own. I have savings put by that (with his knowledge) I/we have put by for the children in the future.

Ideally, I would like us to co parent while living apart. He currently does all the childcare as I don't get back home until gone 6 each night. I then do all the normal night time stuff, together with dp.

When we have contemplated splitting before (or rather I have, he will just stick his head in the sand), he basically has nowhere to go except to maybe stay at his brothers for a few days, but obviously I have to keep my job so he comes in the morning and resumes sahd stuff til I would get home in the evening, then he would go when the children were in bed. This has happened about twice in the last year, and lasts a few days until things calm down, or whatever.

-I don't really intend to go into the boring whys and wherefores of why we're splitting, or we'd be here all day. It's all petty, mildly EA, poor communication and probably some gaslighting that I can't deal with any more.

Anyway, I am at a loss as to how to move forward. I think that the only way to properly split is for us to live apart, try and be friends and be good parents. How do I make that happen when he has nowhere to go, is the main and only carer for the children, and if I don't have this decent job then the children aren't supported?

To make matters worse, he was banned from driving 3 yrs ago, which has been an incredible strain on us both. It comes to an end in September, but in the meantime, if he were to go out to work, it would only be locally and sporadic, and that thought scares me. Therefore I must keep working.
(Actually, he would work locally even with a licence, and it would most likely not be permanent atm, jobs being so scarce. Nor would it be well paid).

We have no family close by, and yes we have friends, but nothing permanent as far as childcare is concerned.

I feel therefore that if I push it and we split, he will either

a) doss at his brothers and carry on doing SAHD stuff while I work;which means neither of us can move on long term,

or

b) I leave my work to become the main carer and he properly leaves the house, I cut him loose and he finds his own feet etc (there is a bit of history there wrt me feeling financially responsible for him).

or there is the scenario of him leaving, me staying in work and putting the dcs into paid childcare/after school clubs which I can't see an end to. Plus, my dcs school does not cover all the hours I would need. The little one goes to nursery some days already.

Or do I give him some of the saved money to help him rent somewhere or something?!

I have also thought about leaving the house myself, as he is the main carer for the children, I could rent somewhere close by I suspect, but, but, it all seems so bloody awful. And quite truthfully, I don't want to leave the house, which may be selfish. Arrgh I'm driving myself mad.

I am genuinely unable to see the wood for the trees. Any advice? Thank you for reading this mess. It's an insight into the state of my head..

Sorry it's so long.

Sorry that you have reached this situation. If the roles where reversed (you were SAHM) he'd leave and have to provide maintenance to house & care for the children. I guess the situation would be the same which ever way round it was?

I would give him some of the money for his own place...... Proper space for you both

He has regular access..... You arrange your own childcare

As separate as possible as otherwise it will be mixed messages. Others will have different opinions, but if it's over, it needs to be properly over

Well exactly Seabright it's bloody grim, but I may have to do that.

Thank you SoulSister.

Yes it does seem bloody awful. but that's what men have to do all the time, regardless of whether their wife contributes financially or not. Being a SAHP has its upsides and its downsides. Being the only to go out to work full time has its upside and its downsides. You can't cherry pick. Well you can, but it seems rather greedy and unfair. If you were a man proposing any of these scenarios where your wife gets 'cut loose' and loses not only her home and her financial security but her role as main carer for her children as well, you'd get SLAUGHTERED.

Surely what usually matters in these scenarios is the least disruption and the most continuity of care for the children. You talk as if you can just cut him loose to fend for himself, and yet you want to take away the one job he has been doing from him as well. Imagine if you'd been the SAHM and your H wanted a divorce, he held all the card financially, and he said to you 'Right, MissRabbit, I think we should split and I'd like you to move out of the run for the past X years, and I no longer need to you be the FT SAHP, I'll employ a full time child minder instead.'

And as for (there is a bit of history there wrt me feeling financially responsible for him). well, yes I hope you do feel responsible - just like my DH feels responsible for me. Because I've sacrificed my own chance of a career to be at home bringing up our children. Someone has to do it, after all.

It isn't different just because he's a man. you did what suited you both best at the time. Just the same as all couples.

I can see just awful this situation is and how difficult to resolve. I think your H has to start taking responsibility for himself and I think you may have to be cruel to be kind initially. He needs to leave.

I'm not sure about the co-parenting initially. Will this confuse / upset the children? Will he just carry on as is but just sleep somewhere else? Children like rules and clear boundaries. If H has gone, but keeps coming back every day how does this sit with you telling them you are divorcing?

I don't see that you leaving would be a good thing - even though it may appear to make sense financially and from a childcare perspective, how is this going to make you feel?

Would it help to write down a list of what you want - not what you think you should do or could do, but what you actually want your life to look like in 6 month's time? And get him to do the same?

So if his objective is to get a job, being a SAHD isn't going to help him.
If you want him to get a job, then you need to find alternate childcare..

out of the the home you have run for the past X years

I hear what you are saying FellNel of course. My feeling of responsibility for him does not refer to the last 3 years. Of course I am supporting him and the children, willingly. I should have made that clearer.

The "history", which I am trying to avoid going into, is not very pleasant.

Anyway, I don't think it's different at all because he's a man, I will make that clear now.

If the situation were reversed and you were the SAHM then he would be the one to leave and you would continue to stay at home and look after the children. He would then pay you maintenance as well.

I'm not sure why you think in your situation that he should leave, and leave you with the children to find alternative childcare when he is able and willing to do this.

I'm not unsymapthetic to your need to make a break from a relationship that isn't working but you don't seem to have even considered doing what would be the obvious and even the "norm" (as much as there is a "norm") if your roles were reversed. This would surely be better for the children too as they continue in their own home with their main carer?

You may have issues with him as a partner but I am assuming - based on the arrangement you have now - that you do not have concerns over his parenting.

I have considered it,(and not discounted it-Iam not discounting anything) it is in my op.

I suppose I can't avoid going in to some of our relationship history, I'm sorry if this may lead to drip feeding.

ok. To explain further. I think if I tell him we're def splitting because of various issues, there is a danger he will become as difficult as possible and "go off the rails" (he has form, lots of it). I was trying to see this separately, as I am desperate to try and be sensible about it all. He will kick off about splitting up and at the very best will sulk and that is not good for the children.

He has left before and there has been violence involved. That is historical, ie pre children, except for one blip a few months ago (violent behaviour, not violence to me and the dc, iyswim)

Look, I don't know if this makes a difference, but I wanted to avoid going over all that crap. I'm sorry. It's all too much.

The history is not irrelevant but a break-up is difficult whoever the people are. He will be upset for sure and he may sulk but children will always be affected by a break-up and the upset it causes to the parents; you can't avoid that. It is surely the case that you feel your children are safe and well cared for with their father, so however he responds to the break-up with you it is surely best for them if he stays in the family home and carries on looking after them.

I do think they are safe, yes. But I am worried that he might not be so stable when this actually happens. I can't see into the future, but if I were a betting woman I would see that my moving out would not be sustainable (to him) in the long term. He tends to ignore what's staring him in the face.

I am then faced with the prospect of him upping the stakes and being a manipulative idiot (again, form). I think I'm just scared of putting it into action, for fear of how he might react. And if he does react badly, and won't look after the children any more, there I am having to leave the job that supports everyone anyway. He couldn't be relied on to support the children in that scenario, even if he was in a well paid job.

So in a way, I feel trapped by it all. Never mind, thanks for replies.