So hurt at being excluded

[Walkacrossthesand]

i need to vent! My DB and I are the only surviving members of our family (parents and DS died 11 - 20 years ago). DB & I have DCs of the same age (all teenage/early 20s now) and when they were younger we saw a lot of each other despite living 100 miles apart, had some great family times. Over the past few years, contact has dwindled, become increasingly only when we make the effort to visit them, and lately when we do visit they make no effort to make us welcome - we find ourselves sitting in their house, they do their own thing & we fit in as we can. DB had a 'decade birthday' during half term, I asked beforehand if they were marking the date at all & SIL said no so I just sent a card. Now, on FB, I see that our cousin (who lives even further away but seems more welcome there than we are) visited the weekend after the birthday, and they had a nice evening together with friends of theirs - the same friends they holidayed with years ago, having declined a holiday with us 'because summer holiday was 'just them') and it seems that yet again we have been excluded. I'm so hurt. This isn't my DBs doing - he's a passive sort, goes with the flow, didn't want a fuss about the birthday - it's SIL who is excluding us, I'm sure, yet when I asked her directly last time we were there whether we'd done anything to upset/offend she said (but looked a bit shifty) that everything was fine. Part of me thinks sod the lot of them, but this is my only DB and I dont know what to do!

DS = dsis, sorry

PS (sorry to drip feed...) SiL has stopped sending birthday cards, my DDs 18th passed unremarked, we invited them to party but they didn't come, likewise they didn't come to any of the (several!) celebrations of my 50th...are you getting the picture?!

I see what you are saying, but why is your brother absolved of guilt in this?

He could send your DD a birthday card couldn't he?

SIL may well be the driving force, but your brother is an adult and if he wanted to make the effort he could.

I can see why you feel put out though.

I suppose there was always a risk that this would happen - their household is a traditional-type one, DB doesn't involve himself in the birthday cards/Xmas type stuff, it was always SIL who sent cards on behalf of all of them so if she's lost interest for whatever reason then he won't even realise they're not being sent! . I feel pretty determined not to let whatever is happening for her, lose me my relationship with him - it's rarely her who answers the phone, maybe I'll start ringing him every few weeks for a chat or something.

I think Id do that too, make a habit of calling for a chat and see where that leads.

Maybe she's fed up of being the one who sends the cards etc and has told him that he has to do it?

I would have called her and asked her to cancel the cheque in the card as it did not arrive. Let her do the cats bum face for a bit.

NotMost has a point about cards etc - I've recently said DH needs to do the thank you letters etc for his immediate family. I don't think they got any thank you cards this year!

Have an honest chat with your brother - say what you've said here about not wanting the (only) living family to become distant. Ask him if there's anything in particular that's bothering him, or has he just got complacent?

Thanks for replies, folks. I don't think I have ever known what DB is actually feeling - he just doesnt do chats about feelings! Over the years, when there have been 'downs' (times when he seemed fed-up and Dsis was constantly needling him (not lately), when our parents died etc), he was relentlessly stoic and 'gotta get on with it even if it's all crap' type . I can't imagine ever having a conversation where he honestly told me what had changed - but I'm sure something has! I wonder whether it's partly the 'proper blood family/family by marriage' thing given that SiL is the dominant partner I think, but that doesn't account for the cousin being there for 'the birthday' when I wasn't. Maybe she just invited herself, no qualms about whether they were welcome or not...