Why is he so awkward?

[AngryAndLost]

Not sure if I need any advice here, but would like some thoughts on my partner. We have 2 year old girl and I am 6 months pregnant at present. Like with my previous pregnancy, I feel constantly tired. But this time round I have a little girl to look after as well and that really wears me down. So I have employed a cleaner. She came today for the first time and did brilliant job, while I had long walk with my daughter. Only told my partner about the cleaner tonight, as I was not sure if I will like the woman or she will be suitable, etc. My partner was SHOCKED and v.disappointed that I am sooooooo lazy! He even jokingly threatened to tell my mother and sister about it (they would be shocked!) While I am ashamed about the cleaner myself (we are from the working class), I really do not have the energy to do it myself at present. And the money is not an issue here, as I do have my own little business, that I do part-time, and it brings a little of money, which I have at my disposal. We are really not struggling. I pay some of the bills, even some of the mortgage. And his issue was not about the money, but about my laziness. He works long hours, and the only housework he does is vacuuming the flat once in a blue moon. I am angry at him and sorry for myself all evening. And can't stop crying.

Tell him that you will stop employing the cleaner when he pulls his weight.

Forget the pg for a minute.

You run a business and look after your dd AND do all the housework, cooking, shopping etc. He runs the hoover round occasionally. That is not a fair division of labour, at all. What does he do when he gets home from work? I am guessing that he sits his ass down, you provide his meal and.....thats it, right?

You do a full time job AND a part time job, he just has a full time job. You should be sharing the household tasks between you and the fact that he thinks you are lazy in unbelievable! Let him tell you mother and sister, and make sure you tell everyone you know that he is a lazy shit who would rather see you ill and exhausted than pull his weight.

If anyone should be paying for the cleaner it's him!

I'd well get a cleaner if I could afford it, whatever makes your life easier , he should be happy if it makes your life easier .

I would never have hired or even interviewed a cleaner without DH's prior knowledge. But this is because we share bills and share chores. If you don't share chores then how they get done is none of your DH's business. He doesn't want the responsibility, why does he get a vote?

I know that it can be hard if you have WC roots to do this (all DH and my parents were shocked when we had a cleaner - mill workers and coal miners for parents) but you are employing someone. You are now spreading your success around and that's great. Especially when jobs are in really short supply. Hire the cleaner and be proud, you are creating employment.

Has he ever lived independently, looked after himself, run a home, done his own laundry, cooked for himself, etc? I would suspect not. How often does he have sole charge of your DD, and if he does (eg at weekends), how much housework does he accomplish at the same time? He doesn't have a clue. Let him try doing it all and then see who's lazy.

How or why didn't he know? Does he live in the same universe country?

Walkacrossthesand, yes, he lived independently and, in his own words, "was fine". At present he works really long hours, coming home after 8pm most days, works on Saturday as well. On Sundays he's ussually taking our DD swimming, while I stay at home and cook/clean/tidy. At the moment I do not have enough energy to go shopping or do something, and leave them two all day on their own, so mostly stay at home. But have done in the past- only to return to a bomb-site few hours later! Partner loves our DD, is really good with her, and wuld look after her, but thats about it- the tidying after their "fun day" would be left to me, as he would be too exausted even to load the dishwasher... When I used to tell him that I still have to tidy and cook after beeing all day with DD, his answer would be " but for women is different", and he genuinely believes that, as his mother used to be like that.
You know what, girls? The more I write here, the more I can see that I am beeing taken for granted, and been living with the REAL PIG! Will start implementing changes from tomorrow! Although, I am pretty sure, it will be hard now to press him to hoover round the house in aforementionated Blue Moon, as now I am officially LAZY in his eyes... And have a cleaner.

If you want a cleaner and can afford it, have one! If it makes your life easier and gives someone a job, than all the better. Who cares what he says? And who cares what anyone else thinks? It's your life, do what makes you happy and DO NOT feel guilty

No, HE is lazy. Please see this. HE is the lazy, entitled one. Why does having a vagina make you more disposed towards doing the shit work? It doesn't.

If he can't be bothered doing it at the end of the day, why should you?

Please don't put up with this - it doesn't have to be this way. And not all men are like your DH. There are plenty of lovely, kind, decent men out there, who see that maintaining a house and family is as much their responsibility as it is yours.

You are NOT useless OR lazy. He's being an entitled twat. It's different for women??! I have been with someone like this (with DC) and Trust me, it's so not worth whatever good points he has. I'm still struggling to believe I'm not inherently lazy and useless over 3 years after leaving :(

I run my own business from home and I have cleaner once a week. People are generally amazed that I have a cleaber when I am "at home" all the time but I am working and if I went out to work in an office no-one would expect me to hoover round between phone calls!

Don't feel guilty - you can afford it, it makes life easier for you. Why shouldn't you? My DH was surprised when I told him but he does get it and he does also like coming home to a really clean & tidy house once a week!

You could always show him what it would be like if you actually were lazy - no cooking, washing, ironing etc...

I can fully understand why you feel so stung by his remark that you are "Lazy". My ExH called me the same because I was in bed (ill) and didn't have his dinner ready when he came in. I was very hurt by the fact that he believed that I was lazy and couldn't see the woman who worked full time to keep him at Uni , having to do her own studying part time.

If he is not prepared to help you out then he cannot criticise you. My DH paid for a home help in the latter stages of my twin pregnancy as he could see I was struggling with two small children etc, as his work did not afford him the time to help me.

Let him tell your Mother and Sister, I bet they will be jealous!

See, what's happened here is that you've accidentally had children with a sexist. It certainly isn't different for women, does this view come out in other areas of his life?

Looking after a toddler is really hard work. Looking after a toddler when you're 6 months pregnant is even harder. Looking after a toddler whilst 6 months pg and running your own business is a hell of a lot of work. You need a cleaner, you deserve a cleaner, your 2 year old deserves to have a mummy who can spend time with her, taking her out for walks etc instead of doing the laundry and housework. Don't feel guilty.