Sorry this is long. I have no one in RL to talk to about this, and live a long way from my family and friends?
I am 6 months pregnant with my first baby and feeling very alone. I have been with my partner for 4 and half years, we own a house together and generally get on well. Our relationship is usually steady and calm, with no arguments and drama. Up until recently I have had no reason to think he wouldn?t be a hands-on and loving father to our child.
I have been very keen to have a baby for a couple of years now, probably more so than my partner, although he has always agreed he would very much like to start a family. I have a couple of health issues which meant I needed surgery and drug treatment in order to fall pregnant. This baby is a very big deal for me ? I didn?t know if I would ever be able to have children and getting that positive test was one of the happiest days of my life.
Initially my partner seemed fairly happy about the pregnancy, as we had been trying for a while. I had bleeding throughout the first trimester and he repeatedly took time off work to come to the EPU with me, showing genuine concern for my wellbeing and that of our baby. Fortunately baby survived and is now doing well.
Sadly my partner has become more and more distant as my pregnancy has progressed. He refuses to touch my bump, feel the baby move, or engage in conversations about what the baby is doing or how they are developing. He no longer shows any interest in how things have gone after my antenatal appointments and doesn?t seem to care about my mental or physical wellbeing either. He won?t discuss names or contribute towards buying anything the baby needs.
I feel very sad, and very alone. What was supposed to be a happy and exciting time in our lives in now clouded by his behaviour. He barely speaks to me for most of the evening when we are at home, and has become increasingly reluctant to even touch me at all. He will spend hours playing computer games and drinking by himself while I give up and go to bed alone. I have chronic insomnia and PGP which has contributed to me feeling really low, but I think feeling unloved and unsupported is even worse.
Although we very rarely argue, earlier this week I had enough and decided to ask him why he wouldn?t show an interest in how our baby is doing. I?d been trying to tell him how the baby?s kicks had changed and become stronger, and he started playing on his phone instead of listening. When challenged he said ?You?re always complaining about everything, but there?s not much point in me knowing about it, is there? Just leave the baby alone to get on with it?.
I get the feeling in some way that he might even be a bit repulsed by how my body is changing. Earlier in the pregnancy he has made jokes about how much weight I was gaining, which really hurt my feelings, especially as I know he doesn?t find me attractive when I?m overweight. He was willing to have sex with me until about 18 weeks but hasn?t shown any interest or affection since I started properly showing. I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed of my changing body as a result and tend to try and hide my bump around him now.
I am feeling really worried about what has happened to our relationship, and how we will cope once the baby arrives. This isn?t the life I imagined I would be living, and I don?t know what the future holds ? am I destined to spend my life with someone who doesn?t seem to love me anymore? What if he continues to ignore the baby once he or she is born?
I think the real problem is he is depressed and a bit scared of the baby coming, and this is manifesting itself in his withdrawal from me and refusal to acknowledge the baby on the way. But I am furiously hurt by his behaviour and don?t know if I will be able to forgive him easily if he does snap out of it and improve. I?ve heard some men can be crap during pregnancy and then turn into really good dads afterwards. But even in this scenario I am worried that I am starting to fall out of love with him because of his incessant coldness towards me. I feel deeply protective towards my baby and am wondering if it would be better to bring him/her up as a lone parent. I miss my family and am finding it hard living away from my support network ? we moved to a new area a year ago and I still haven?t made any friends here.
Has anyone experienced a partner doing this to them during pregnancy? How did you survive it? Is it likely he will start being loving towards the baby once they are born? And how can I forgive him for how he?s treated me if he stops being so cold when the baby arrives?