Dear All,
Finally I've come to this point where a divorce became a serious option. I would like to hear all of your advice but before which, I must express my appreciation to you who are devoting your time reading through my life story. I will try to keep it short and concise.
I came to London in Aug 2006 and met my then husband a year later. We moved in together at the end of Nov 2007 and I was conceived the following Jan. It was from then on the life journey through hell started.
I am Chinese who is by no means typical and traditional. However, my expectation through pregnancy differed hugely from my husband, who was London born and bred English. We didn't communicate well at the time and ever since, he established his dominating role in the family. I was threatened to be thrown out of the house and humiliated for his deliberately absence after an argument on our first midwife appointment. I was also suffering from the pressure from my family, which is very traditional though highly educated (mum's professor and dad's researcher), that child born out of marriage was not allowed. Though my ideal scenario would be getting married 2-3 years after the child was born, it was not an option. We managed to register in June 2008 with no reception/wedding dress/engagement ring. What is more, we stopped having sex before May 2008. Yes your conclusion is right, I have lived in a sexless marriage.
Our daughter was born later in 2008, which didn't improve our relationship. I believe I had suffered post natal depression for almost two years afterwards as one day I woke up, the world suddenly seemed brighter. However, the long-term depression had enough power to wear us out. I remember his frequent complaint of me being constantly unhappy, which I had no idea how to deal with. I didn't realise that was depression but did feel the need to talk to a specialist, which was turned down by him with reason of 'money wasting'. I made my attempt to strive through the depression by completing an MSc (of course I paid for my tuition fee, which was 12k). Eventually I grew happier, but it had no effect on easing the tension in our household.
He seemed to be constantly under stress and I have always been afraid of him. He would smash things up and throw things around when in temper, and it always happened in front of our daughter; he has been constantly verbally abusing me (every single swear word in English language you can think of, ladies) and physically twice though not bad; he threatened often to throw me out or cut off the gas/water supply to the house if I didn't leave (he did it once but only the internet); he grew very frustrated and angry when I didn't carry out his orders to meet his standard at home with accusing me not showing him any respect; the last he truly appreciated my appearance was back in 2007; and he never shared his feelings with me, nor did he share his life, we don't have a joint account and I still have no idea who much he earns.
I'm sure the story from his side will be very different. It will be another tragic with a hard working husband who deserves so much more in his own house than just having a lazy and selfish wife (for goodness's sake at least I'm not lazy! He's just grown used to having a professional cleaner coming in every week).
I know I'm not perfect nor am I a saint. I have my weakness and dark side. But the two important things in any marriage, tolerance and communication, have always been absent in mine. I have tried many times to suggest a counselling together, but he never agreed as he firmly believed by doing a psychology short course in university he 'knew what was happening'. I have also tried to talk to him openly about the problems in our marriage, but he remained a closed book.
It has been so desperate, I was living in a cage and didn't know how to get out. My confidence was crushed and I was under stress for worrying doing something wrong which can annoy him all the time. I seriously considered suicide a couple of times but struggled through, I still want to see a different future.
Last August, I finally jumped out of the box and was able to face my messy marriage for the first time. It was nothing like what I've hoped for a home. But divorce would be even harder.
Do we still love each other? Is it too late to save our marriage? What about our daughter? How shall I establish myself afterwards? I have consulted a lawyer and have a rough idea of my entitlements in the UK, but will he try to hide his earnings (one of his close friend did it to avoid paying his ex wife who has the custody of their children)?
It's a sunny and mild day in London. Though feeling lost and hurt, I believe tomorrow will come. I don't know how long I can still live like this but I do know that I want more. I want to be appreciated, I want to be loved, I want to enjoy the tranquillity a marriage should have, I want to feel like a woman again. Above all, I still feel grateful for the shelter he put on my head for the past 5 years. I believe we have been in love, but the journey we've taken together only led us to this sad junction.
Dear me, it has turned out to be quite a long one. Thank you so much for reading through my life story and my grief.
Y xxx