Have name changed in case anyone in RL recognises me from other posts.
I've been reading another thread in relationships about difficulty in making friends and many posters mention problems with their relationship with their mum.
I thought I had a good relationship with my mum when I was a child, it wasn't until I had children of my own that I realised it was an illusion. Throughout my childhood I thought my dad was the bad guy as he was so easy to label - he was very aggressive and controlling, he used to beat us all up or punish us just because he was in a bad mood. My parents argued every weekend over money and family mainly, and often used to lock us outside the house during the day. My dad fell out with everyone - noone is good enough, and they still don't talk to many of their siblings - some for over 30 years. I thought we were a nice respectable family - mother teacher etc, but looking back now we were probably that family all the neighbours were talking about because of the shouting and tempers. I thought my mum was just making the best with a difficult man.
But about 5 or 6 years ago I realised that my mum was also not particularly nice, she often wound him up, I think she did this so she had him to herself due to her own low self esteem, she often lied and was negative about people. My image of my dad hasn't changed, he is a bully, but I realised that my mum is mean too, she also thinks she is never wrong and we should all just 'tow the line'. `and they were starting to repeat behaviours with my own dc. Once I realised this it was only a matter of time before the relationship deteriorated, and I have now been no contact with them for several years over a minor situation which they created. It wasn't unusual but in the past I would've tried to reconcile (they never did even though it was usually their fault) this time I broke the cycle by not contacting them, they did contact me once via email to tell me all the things wrong with me, but I didn't react.
So here I am today, I've come a long way in these few years and think I'm a better person, I'm nicer because I haven't got their constant influence making negative behaviour patterns seem normal. I used to overanalyse conversations and beat myself up that I'd said the wrong thing - I don't do this very often now, I think I used to do it because my parents were so oversensitive about how they were treated (but they could treat me how they pleased and I had to take them as they were - if I got upset I was oversensitive and should let it go).
I'm still raw about it - I was hoping to have put it behind me now - will I ever get over it?
Also I think I have problems making friends. I meet lots of people and have nice conversations on the sidelines of football pitches etc with other mums most of whom seem to like me, but I don't seem to be able to progress these to proper friendships. I do suggest we should go for a drink, but I think I've suggested so often I now sound desperate. I am not shy, but I do fear rejection, I think I have relatively low self esteem, but I don't think this would be apparent unless you really got to know me and I'm not getting to that stage. On the school run I've found it really hard to be one of the group. We joined the school when my dc started juniors, and I think all the friendships were formed in the reception and early years, dc has been at school 4 years now and I still don't feel part of it. I keep thinking I just need exposure, that little and often contact will help friendships develop, but particularly with the school ones, I am now coming away from any contact feeling so low because I'm not a part of it that I can't help feeling I'd be better off not seeing them. I also stopped looking at Facebook because it just makes me feel like everyone else's lives are so full of socialising. We do socialise but if I had a problem I don't feel like I have anyone I could call who would really care - not even family.
Sometimes I feel so out of life I just cry. Just a failure from a social point of view.
I'm sorry this is really rambly, I guess what I'm asking is will I ever get over the fact my parents do not like me and how can I learn to develop my relationships with acquaintances into friendships - what haven't I learned during my childhood that I need to learn now to make this happen? Does it take a lot of work to develop friendships?
I should add that I do have a lovely dh and dc, dh has lovely friends, but he has a very sociable job and most are connected to this in other cities he travels to. He isn't bothered about socialising at weekends but will do it if I organise.
Thanks if you read this far x