How can I make DH more Alpha- bit of a sex question

[needalphamale]

DH and I have been married for ages. Our sex life has had its ups and downs- kids, operations ( me) illness (him) and we got out of the groove for ages. Things perked up when the DCs left home last year but I now find it all terribly frustrating and a turn-off.

DH is a very gentle person though not a wimp- he has quite macho interests. I like a certain amount of tenderness in bed but he almost goes too far. When he kisses me it's a light brush of the lips- never a full tongue down yer throat passionate snog. (I don't have rotten teeth or bad breath.)

I've joked he has forgotten how to kiss and he admits it's true :(

He hangs back on oral sex too- and we go round and round in circles with him saying he's not sure if I like it ( I do!) and me saying he seems not to want to do it- Catch 22. Other men have just gone down and carried on unless I've said no.

It's become a vicious circle because the more hesitant he is, the less I fancy him.

He's responsive enough if I take the lead- but he won't go there first IYSWIM.

I don't want to seem boastful but I'm in good shape and know men like me so it's not as if I'm like the back of a bus. He tells me often enough that he fancies me, pays me compliments etc, but he treats me with kid gloves- and I don't respond. Don't get me wrong- i don't want S&M or some kind of aggressive behaviour- I just want him to put a bit more oomph into his advances, instead of it being a bit like a timid school boy.

I feel we have lost the plot a bit and are drifting but what to do? Any criticism is bound to make it worse but I just find his behaviour a real turn off.

Takes 2 to kiss? What would he do if you got passionate with him? Would he meet you half way? You could try telling him straight that you like oral so would appreciate more of it, offering to reciprocate (if he likes), it's a two way street.
Have you done nights away, romantic things to stoke the fire?

can you just say to him 'I like it a bit rougher/stronger touch/more pressure'? or demonstrate on him the presssure you want?
Maybe he nees a couple of glasses of wine to get more uninhibited?
I know it;s not ideal to have to ask, but he may get into it and eventually you'll both enjoy it.

You don't have to read the wretched things, but have you and your H discussed the 50 Shades books at all? Given that, no matter how rubbish they are (and they are rubbish) they were such a big cultural phenomenon, they might be a useful way to at least go near the subject of you liking a man to be a bit more sexually assertive ie a good starting point to a discussion that's not threatening because everyone has been talking about them whether or not they read them.

What's the communication like between you out of bed?

It's a bit odd if you've been married for years and he's still not sure if you like oral sex. Does he like fellatio?

Do you kiss passionately at other times without it leading to sex? You only mention kissing when you're having sex.

I don't think after all these years you can turn him into something he's not, but if he's never been any different is there any reason why this has become such a bugbear for you now?

Or has he changed and could there be a reason for that? Has he got any insecurities about you and whether you love and fancy him?

You say he responds when you take the lead so why not do that with a bit more oomph yourself. By that I mean put yourself in the traditional 'male' role and steer things your way.

Start kissing him (firmly) in the way you want and, if necessary, have him underneath you whilst you shag him - with you doing the work so to speak. You can also move yourself up a bit and make him pleasure you orally that way. You could also pin his arms down (with your legs) so that he feels you are dictating the way you want the sex to be. You could also be a bit vocal during all this so that he knows what is expected of him.

It seems that if he still does not know that you like fellatio after all this time you are not communicating with each other and maybe telling him whilst in the more assertive 'you' it could hammer the fact home to him once and for all!

Sounds like you are just waiting/expecting him to lead and because he doesn't do what you enjoy you are feeling let down sexually by him but you play a part in that too. Sometimes a bit of role reversal can be rather exciting and could be worth a try. Being backward in coming forward to a timid schoolboy is a never going to achieve anything as you have found out.

A very, very macho ex of mine was a bit of letdown in bed in the same you describe your husband but one day I took the lead and from then on it all got much better. He loved the new 'slightly dominant' me and we then had a great sex life. I've done it now and again with other partners and they love it.

Variety is the spice of life!

It's really odd TBH.

If I try to kiss him passionately, he kind of backs off and laughs. We don't kiss any other time except pre-sex- not proper kissing- he'll peck me on the lips before going off to work or coming home. I desperately miss a good snog. For the life of me I can't recall if it's always been like this- it can't have or I wouldn't have married him surely- unless if at the beginning I was so caught up in the actual sex I didn't notice the rubbish kissing.

I don't know if it's a libido issue- he has been unwell for a while ( long term viral thing and an op) but is getting better. I know he has spoken to the dr about his lower libido- but it doesn't affect his erections- just his desire.

There's no problem if I want to be assertive, on top or whatever- he's game for all of that- but I respond better when someone really wants me and is full-on.

Going away for weekends makes no difference.

I don't want to be all demanding, but something's getting to me. Last week I told him he seemed "different" and just not so sexual any more. There's no hint of any OW- that would be an obvious answer perhaps- but I'm 99.9% that is not the case.

What did he say when you told him he seemed different OP?

I can totally empathise with the needing a good deep kiss. One you fel down to your toes :)

My ex and i never really kissed like that. Even at the beginning. Like you i wonder why on earth i thought i'd be ok without that sort of intimacy.

feel

He looked thoughtful, or bemused, or a bit concerned, I think is the way to put it.

He's had a full range of tests - for his illness- including his testosterone, CT and MRI scans but he's not 100% over the illness yet and is very busy with work- all over the place with travel.

I think he's worried that he has something physically wrong which is why I don't want to rank up any pressure.

He is a crap kisser though and it's driving me nuts- it's as if he doesn't want to kiss like that- and when I try he thinks it's some kind of 'joke' and backs off.

I have the opposite problem - all my DH can do is the full on tongue down throat thing (which I'm really not fond of at all).

valentine my DH is a bit full on in the kissing dept. too. But luckily i am fond of it

OP i think i feel a connection with your problem because of the kissing thing. With my ex though there was no medical issue to complicate things.

I'm thinking you need to carefully think about which parts of this are lonstanding: ie 'just the way he is' left to his own devices, and which parts of it could be down to his illness, and current lack of libido. You're mentioning both in your posts.

There is a risk that tackling this while he is feeling down and not himself may cause him anxiety which will self perpetuate IYKWIM?

I think it is quite possible that he is currently worried and feeling off-colour and that makes it more difficult for him to get all lusty. Even though a bit of rampant shagging would probably do him good. Is he waiting for test results regarding his illness? I'm currently waiting for some test results myself and it does kind of taint your whole life while the waiting's ongoing.

Sorry to hear about your waiting SGB.

I agree that doing much is possibly going to make things worse. He has seen 2 specialists and the conclusion is that he has post viral fatigue following complications from severe flu 2 years back. He had an op connected with that.

Given he is 58 and works very hard- 50 hr week plus travelling- maybe this is just how it is for now- but the kissing issue and the overly-gentle approach to sex is long standing - and TBH I'd rather have a lovely snog and forgo sex than other way round!

Sooo- it's a combo of frequency plus not hitting the spot when it happens

This sounds more about his emotions and sense of self than something physically wrong. Also as though your relationship generally isn't what he would like it to be.

Have you hurt him in some way, quite profoundly?

Has something about your relationship caused him to lose his sexual confidence?

When you say you've been together for years, how long are we talking? If kids have left home I'm guessing 25 years at least? That either means he's always been like that and you've overlooked it or something's changed for one or perhaps both of you.

It could be that he's changed because something's shifted inside him which he can't talk about and you've changed your own expectations for a reason you might not want to talk about?