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Original poster

Is this too petty and pointless?

27 replies

candymam · 27/02/2013 18:31

okay, i think i need a virtual slap and be told to stop being ridiculous but this has been bugging me.

Rewind back to valentines day, i gave my bf of 9 months a caret thought out range of little gifts that i knew he would like and enjoy, nothing expensive as we are both broke, spent around £20 for the lot including a card.

He goes through them, lots of thank-yous and you really shouldnt of, really likes the stuff and smiles all round.

Off he goes to fetch my card. Thats all. I am disappointed but i have the whole day and night with him and i think that will do me fine.

An hour or so later he needs to pop out for milk while i am in the shower and comes back with the milk and two packs of haribo sweets for me. I laugh and thank him bust open the bag and share them with him immediatly

All fine and dandy. Then he says, and i really wish he didnt -
'' i could of got you something better for valentines but i need the money to go out with the lads friday''

I just looked at him silently and went to make some tea.

I could of done with keeping the money too, i would of gone out with my friends, got a haircut whatever, but i didnt because i thought about him and what would be nice for him on valentines day.

So, its his birthday in a few days, i have his card, i am slightly ashamed to say i am so so very tempted to get him two packs of haribo to go with it.

Should i? I have seen a few things he would like as a birthday gift but i am actually still annoyed by his comment.
Should i forget it and give more normal birthday stuff?

Am i being way too petty?

OP posts:
Original poster
candymam · 27/02/2013 18:32

that was long! Thanks if you got this far!

OP posts:
theoriginalandbestrookie · 27/02/2013 18:35

Yes get him the Haribo absolutely.

To be fair I feel you went OTT for Valentines, some people don't really celebrate it but it's early in the relationship so I get that. I don't think he was wrong to just get you a card, but to try to cover himself by that remark was disappointing.

It sounds to me like you are a person who enjoys showering others with gifts, and he may not be like that so I think by giving him the Haribo you are showing him that you expect to be treated nicely.

msrisotto · 27/02/2013 18:36

No you wouldn't be petty, he was pretty hurtful saying that and unless he is amazing in the sack or something, I'd say you can do better.

Speaking of petty though - it's would/could have not of. Sorry but it bugs me.

Original poster
candymam · 27/02/2013 18:41

msrissto- could/would have. Thank you! I will remember! I am a geordie though in my defence

Theoriginal- that was what i was thinking. Hopefully he will click that it was a bit naff. Maybe not though

OP posts:
Xales · 27/02/2013 18:45

Personally I would eat the haribo myself Grin

user12785 · 27/02/2013 18:45

I would hand over two packets of Haribo, wait for the penny to drop (if it does!), then hand over a proper present.

HellonHeels · 27/02/2013 18:51

Do you really like him? He sounds quite selfish. That comment about keeping his money to spend with his mates really tells you all you need to know about your place in his life Sad

I'm sure you could do better than him. How about a relationship P45 for his birthday?

PopeBenedictsP45 · 27/02/2013 18:58

"That comment about keeping his money to spend with his mates really tells you all you need to know about your place in his life"

Yep. Sorry but I think that told you all you needed to know.

Original poster
candymam · 27/02/2013 19:02

Hell- yes, i do really like him. He is a gentle bloke who makes me laugh, makes the effort to come and see me (miles away!) and so far has no red flags or anythin weird about him.
brilliant in the sack too

He was generous at christmas too, saved and thought about what i would like. Even with his very limited budget.

Took care of me when i was very drunk tired at new year also.

I just dont want for this to be the start of tit-for-tat selfishness but i was stung by the comment and i do want to make a point.

OP posts:
tumbletumble · 27/02/2013 19:09

I think that would be a bit petty tbh. But maybe that's because I'd never spend £20 on someone for valentine's day whether or not I was broke. Birthdays are different imo.

HellonHeels · 27/02/2013 19:09

Well if you do want to keep him on, I'd bring up that comment and tell him how you feel about it. His reaction to being pulled up on something like that should give you some information about what he's really like.

PeppaFuckingPig · 27/02/2013 19:14

Petty, pointless and slightly cruel too.
You're now setting the precedent that it's ok to drag something up weeks later and in a very passive aggressive way.

You should have said something at the time.
Either bring it up with him now, or just let it go.

Don't do the haribo thing - that's just crappy.

momb · 27/02/2013 19:17

You had the whole day and night together: did you do anythign special? Did he hold your hand and buy you unch or take you somewhere nice? It's not all baout having something to keep.
His comment was thoughtless, but as you are a 'gift giver' and he isn't, it seems a bit calculating to withhold a birthday present. Maybe next year have a chat about Valentines in advance and bot agree what you can afford to spend on each other?

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 27/02/2013 19:21

Maybe just didn't realise there would be presents. He was generous for Xmas so obvious can be thoughtful.

beatlegirl · 27/02/2013 19:30

Hmm, I came on to post exactly what Hellonheels said. It's not the present (or lack of) it's the little comment designed to put you in your place.

Original poster
candymam · 27/02/2013 19:30

I should have mentioned it at the time, i didnt really know what to say though, nor did i think it would still be ticking over in my head weeks later.

Haribo thing is passive aggressive, i will admit that. I wa going to start this thread with is this petty, pointless and passive aggressive.Hmm

We just did what we usually do all that day and night- watch lots of films (movie nerds)

I am actually ashamed of myself to be plotting the haribo revenge . I think i would have the satisfaction for half a second then feel bad about it- but he didnt, he had a great night out with his friends IYSWIM

I should talk to him about it , we only see each other once of twice a week though, sometimes just a few hours , how do i approach it without having a rubbish afternoon/evening once it is brought up? What do i say?

OP posts:
Original poster
candymam · 27/02/2013 19:33

its not the present! I like haribo! Its the comment afterwards.

OP posts:
Kione · 27/02/2013 19:38

maybe, look this is not to nag you and I dont want to spoil our time together but that comment on valatines day hurt me...

Original poster
candymam · 27/02/2013 19:42

Kione- its that simple isnt it? I could say that easily. I am not usually lost for words!i dont know why i havnt said exactly that before now really.

Have thought too hard about it all and made a mountain out of a molehill.

Thank you

OP posts:
Iseeall · 27/02/2013 19:48

You obviously had differing ideas about valentines day that now needs to be chalked up to experience. He did do better at xmas. So I think the way forward is to discuss upcoming events that you/he think require celebrating. eg. your birthday, his, xmas,easter(eggs) siblings/parents/friends birthdays, the day you met etc. You should also decide on the amount you spend on each other as you are both short of cash. It is not romantic I agree but it will clear the air and hopefully avoid any more misunderstanding and disappointment on your part.

Original poster
candymam · 27/02/2013 19:59

Iseeall- i was pleased with the haribo, he thought about what i would like when he went to buy the milk. Got my favorite modi that he is not all that keen on.

It was in no way about the price or the money spent.
He did have money to spend if he had wanted to, i wasnt bothered about it, i spent around £20 because i bought little thinks on the run up to valentines and managed to have a good look at the tat things left after the christmas sales

It was the comment that he could of got me something more but didnt as he had a night out planned with his friends that seemed to be more important to him

OP posts:
Original poster
candymam · 27/02/2013 20:02

Could HAVE got me something more- sorry msrissoto!

OP posts:
seadiamond · 27/02/2013 20:03

In his defence, I personally feel that we all have too much cheap pointless tat and we are constantly bombarded with pressure to buy more cheap pointless tat. Valentines day being one of those days when we're just pressured as consumers to spent money on things for others that they don't really want or need. I'd much rather have a nice card and spent some quality time together than have a cheap gift. His comments were a little insensitive but if he's on a tight budget and going out with friends is one of the things he does to unwind at the end of the week I can understand him not wanting to give that up for the sake of a cheap, material object. You've said he's a really nice bloke, does he really have to prove how nice he is by buying you a whatever cheap tat you can get for 20 quid?

beatlegirl · 27/02/2013 20:06

Hmm, I came on to post exactly what Hellonheels said. It's not the present (or lack of) it's the little comment designed to put you in your place.

Jellymuffin · 28/02/2013 04:23

I'd run for the hills! This is the time in your relationship when he should be making little gestures and thinking about the impression that he makes and he obviously couldn't be bothered. Fine if you're the sort of person willing to put up with that but you're obviously not. Also the comment about going out with the lads is clearly designed to put you in you place. He's clearly just not ready for the sort of relationship you want.