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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex-DH's new GF overplaying her role?

15 replies

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter · 27/02/2013 15:22

I'm probably being silly, but here goes: ex-DH got in touch with our DC a couple of years ago, after not seeing them since they were very small (pre school age). To his credit he is trying to rebuild his relationship with them, and also their younger half-siblings (not mine, two other mothers), who he treated in the same fashion. On the whole, I am happy about this, he is their father and it's only right that they know him. I do worry that he may decide to abandon them again, but accept that he does seem to have matured.

My problem is with his new girlfriend, who has thrown herself into the role of step-mother, and talks about mine and ex-DH's children as 'our kids' - as in her and ex-DH's children. She also constantly refers to ex-DH as 'Dad' rather than 'your Dad'. Initially, I thought she was talking about her own father, and find it a bit odd that she would do this.

She also never praises DC for anything they've done at university or work, instead she'll praise their father, as though, despite his absence from their lives for so many years he has managed to bring them up well. This is the thing that is really, really bugging me. DH and I brought DC up; DH has been a constant and stable part of their lives for nearly 20 years. It makes me bloody angry to see him (and me) being sidelined by someone who has known them for less than a year.

As I said at the beginning, I know I'm probably being silly, and I'm not going to say anything - I don't want to be 'that' mother. I suppose really, I wanted to rant, so if you've read this far, thank you!

OP posts:
Dahlen · 27/02/2013 15:26

I don't think you're being silly at all. Of course it's going to rankle when you and your DH are the ones who have put in all the hard work. The new GF sounds a bit odd TBH. But I'd just let it go. Everyone involved and anyone who knows you knows the truth and will just think she sounds like a loon.

Are you sure she's aware that your XH only re-entered your DCs lives about 12 months before she came along?

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter · 27/02/2013 15:31

Thanks for the reply! You're right, it's not worth causing a big drama about, the people who matter do know the truth.

I'm not sure if she does know how recently he contacted them. It's entirely possible he has made it sound like he was always there.

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 27/02/2013 15:35

as you have acknowledged, what she is saying doesn't matter as people know the truth - especially your dc's (given their ages), are they not a bit pissed off at her about it?

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter · 27/02/2013 15:46

They don't really engage with her, they're polite, but don't return her, umm, enthusiastic approaches. I haven't asked them how they feel about it because I don't want to put them in an awkward position, and have them feeling they're being disloyal to me - my mum did that when my dad met my step-mother, it was a horrible experience.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 27/02/2013 15:53

Our DC are obviously of a similar age, but like you, I'd be seriously hacked off despite the fact that it's a 'good thing' they are developing a relationship with their DF.

But, because they are more mature, they will know exactly what is going on - and remember who's been there to love and support them throughout. I might be tempted to make the odd comment to them about how much your DH has been there for them, and what a great Dad he's been - although I doubt they need reminding.

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter · 27/02/2013 16:34

Thanks again for the replies! I've been brooding on this for a while now, it's been really helpful to write it down, and to have neutral people say it's normal to feel like this.

ajandjjmum If I'm being sensible they don't need reminding - they're very close to DH, and they're pretty astute :)

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 27/02/2013 19:18

In your shoes, I'm quite sure I wouldn't always feel sensible though! Grin That's where MN comes in handy!

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter · 28/02/2013 15:12

Yes, MN is very handy - I can complain about it here, and then maintain a polite, diplomatic front Grin

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 28/02/2013 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter · 28/02/2013 16:36

I remember that thread. The OW was strange, and nasty.

I don't think the GF is like that. She's actually quite pleasant, but trying far too hard I would guess. I do feel a bit mean talking about her, but it is annoying. I also think dahlen made a good point - I wouldn't be surprised if ex-DH has painted a very different picture of his role in the DC's lives, so she may well think we're all one big, happy family Hmm

OP posts:
Hissy · 28/02/2013 19:17

I reckon if she gets too far above her station, your DC may bring her up to speed.

I bet it probably won't ebven last between her and the DC dad.

PeppaFuckingPig · 28/02/2013 19:26

OP, you actually sound really together and dignified.
I hope that if my DD's fucktard father ever re-enters her life (so far, hasn't seen her in 8 months - his decision - and she's only coming up for 2yo) that I'll be able to be as mature and reasonable as you are about it.

DameFanny · 28/02/2013 19:33

Wow. I suspect your DC may be waiting for you to open the conversation so they can talk about the fucking loon their bio-dad's hooked up with.

Smudging · 28/02/2013 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forgetmenots · 28/02/2013 20:25

Is it worth gently broaching with your DCs? You sound really sensible and together and I agree with your approach, but I kind of agree with DameFanny, maybe they are feeling odd and don't want to say for fear of rocking the boat?

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