Question for divorced/separated mums

[ConfusedishSay]

Please share how divorce or separation has affected your children- short and longterm, good or bad.
Statistics say it´s just ALL bad and staying in a less than happy marriage is preferable for the kids than splitting, whereas I do hear some individual anecdotes saying they are fine/unscathed.
Really keen to hear 1st hand experiences, thanks.

Why do you want to know?

Are you contemplating separation yourself? What age are your DCs?

In my case it was the best thing I've ever done for my DC. They have thrived as a result of it and cannot ever remember a time when their father lived with us. No problems there.

Such a lot of crap is spoken about divorce and the effects on children. A lot of it is highly damaging bullshit.

It is possible to divorce in such a way that children have to cope only with adapting to a new family set-up and new home, etc. Children are very good at this. Adaptability is a hallmark of being a child, because they are constantly having to adapt with their changing cognition, emotions and physical attributes as a result of growing.

The damage comes from other factors, which have far more to do with the personalities and parenting skills of the parents than it does to do with the actual relationship coming to an end. I often think divorce should be accompanied by compulsory lessons for parents about how to minimise the impact on their children.

Sometimes, however, the damage resulting from divorce isn't a result of the divorce at all. It's a result of the poisonous atmosphere at home that led up to divorce being the only option. In which case, staying would only make things worse. I often think that if divorce was unavailable, the number of messed-up children from so-called 'stable' homes would increase rather than the number of messed-up children from 'broken' homes (terrible phrase) decrease. Think about it logically - children exposed to abuse and/or terrible unhappiness which is normalised (by the act of staying together) are obviously going to have more problems with how they relate to others. Conversely, children who see their parents end dysfunctional relationships learn positive ways of relating to others.

And Travel is right. The single biggest indicator of how well a child will do in life is not the relationship status of parents, but money. I think that's terribly sad in this day and age. Apparently, the educational status of the primary caregiver is also very important.

I agree that a lot of the poor outcomes for children born to single parent families could be ameliorated by ensuring that absent parents pay their way. In fact, if you factor in money and educational level, there is no difference in outcomes for the children of single parents and the children of married ones.

Well sort of, Scaevola...I´m looking at all angles and options as I am very unhappy in my relationship. Just trying to make a fully informed decision really. I feel a lot of pressure to stick it out for the kids since my husband is a good man, is not abusive and, on paper, there are so many more reasons to stay than to leave.
My heart and inner voice just keep telling me I want out. My head and common sense tell me it would be a mistake....very very lost right now!
Kids are 5 and 7 and we are a very nuclear family with no relatives anywhere nearby.
A split would most likely involve shared custody as H would not relinquish contact with his kids. We are both reasonable people, but H would be extremely hurt so there COULD be a degree of trauma at least initially.
Fundamentally though, we would both try to make things as easy as possible on the kids if it did come down to splitting, so I doubt there would be shouting and screaming and throwing of household items in front of them.
The main issues they´d have to deal with is the sudden change in circumstances, knowledge that their parents don´t love each other and probably financial hardship- at least initially. (but we have that now anyway!)

Interesting, Dahlen....we are both educated professionals and hopefully EVENTUALLY we will be better off (it´s all relative- we are not on the breadline exactly, just struggling a bit till business picks up)
I´m sure I have heard statistically, that income and social group makes no difference and divorce is just BAD, fullstop! ie. Kids more likely to take drugs, abuse alcohol, be arrested, drop out of school, etc etc.
It puts the fear of God into me, but it did seem a bit illogical if both parents love THEM and do their best that it´s a foregone conclusion!
I´m a product of a 25-yr miserable marriage and it´s provided me with NO positive role models for my present relationship (probably why it´s failing!) and I was GLAD when my parents split up. But I was 15 and able to make more sense of it than a smaller child.

Some people choose to stay and it can work. But that's only the case where there is mutual respect and a certain level of friendship between the parents and where both parents can seek fulfilment in other ways (e.g. work, hobbies, social life, family, etc).

If you are dreadfully unhappy, it won't work. You'll just end up depressed and full of resentment, which is something your DC will pick up on.

Children can find it a little difficult to understand why their parents no longer love each other, but children can deal with it quite quickly and very well as long as they are reassured that this is not their fault and does not mean that the parents will also stop loving the DC.

Financial hardship is the biggest difficulty I think, but it's not insurmountable. Many single parents manage to maintain a nice (if small) home and a comfortable (if far from luxurious) lifestyle. Obviously there are numerous factors involved in that, but it's certainly do-able.

Do you work in paid employment at the moment?

You might find this useful to give you some perspective. Pages 2/3 and 10 may be particularly helpful.

in many ways I think it is probably far easier for a younger child.
mine were 5 and 2 when my ex left, they see him regularly (overnight twice a week) and he is involved in their lives.
my new P's kids were much older (teens) and the whole thing appears to have been a lot more traumatic.

my kids are both doing well (now 10 and 7) and v accepting of both their dad's and my new partners.

I´m sure I have heard statistically, that income and social group makes no difference and divorce is just BAD, fullstop! ie. Kids more likely to take drugs, abuse alcohol, be arrested, drop out of school, etc etc.
That isn't what all the research says at all. There are a number of factors that affect outcome for children, but it is not divorce per se and the differences in outcomes can be very little to even better. I have some links to research saved and can look for them later if you can't find this information.

I separated from H 2 years ago and our DC has coped amazingly well. Obviously, it's not what anyone wants or plans for their child(ren), but our child is a happy normal child who is very much loved and has made sense of it all and understands it well (by what they tell me)

I've been separated from XH for nearly two years. My DC were 7 and 5 when we split up and they seem fine. They now see their dad more than they did before tbh and have a good relationship with his partner and her DC.

They are both doing well at school and are generally happy. And XH and I are born happier. Wouldn't say it was a bed of roses but is better than life was before.

Mine see their family as Mummy Daddy DS and DD - they never seem to have considered that XH and I don't love each other any more. I have to say I am unlikely to ever let them know that XHs partner started off as the OW because there is no need for them to know. I am always polite about her as she will hopefully be in their lives for a long time.

We split when my child was five.

He was upset but we involved him in looking at my new house and choosing his room etc. he stayed with me three days a week and his mum four. On days I didn't have him I rang him to speak to him and remind him I loved him. I carried on with this until he was at secondary school not missing one day. (It became uncool after that apparently so a text was sent instead)

We are now at the stage where he is 20, splits his time between us and where my exdw and current dw are friends and attend family social events etc.

The only slight blips we had was when new partners came into play and remarkably despite her deciding that our relationship was over, it was she who was jealous of my new relationship (not current dw) based on this I would make sure that 1. You avoid new relationships for at least 6 months and 2. When your Dh starts a new relationship, you don't suddenly start to resent that. If you don't want him then you must accept it when he finds happiness elsewhere even if you haven't.

My son is fine I think but who knows?

I too lived in a house where my parents showed no love to each other and spent weeks in silence. It has affected me for sure but I don't know how them splitting would have affected me so can't compare.

Much better to separate when there is no one else involved and this is a big risk if you are unhappy as eventually you may become involved with someone and this could make it messy.

It's all about being mature and parenting well.

Thanks, Maleview70. Nice to hear about the shared custody thing working. And I would certainly hate to rush into finding somebody new to complicate my kids lives (and mine!)for a good while!
Insertwitty All links gratefully appreciated. Thanks Dahlen I will take a look at yours now. If you google this stuff, it always tends towards the "Do NOT leave no matter what"-side and there are an awful lot of pro-marriage websites that speak endless doom and gloom
Thanks too, Chasing and Miranda Everyone so far seems to be saying the opposite of popular opinion.

I think it's how you break up that matters. Money etc doesn't matter.

Keep it amicable, realise you'll parent in different ways and let the other parent get on with it, and have the self awareness to really have the best interests of the children at heart is all you can do.

All depends upon how things are pre and post break up I think.

XH had an affair, atmosphere was awful, I didn't know what was going on for quite a while..in the middle of that DS deteriorated and keep all together as I thought he might get worse if we separated. I was essentially trying to ride it out.

In the end DS was a bit better post separation but then deteriorated again significantly.

In retrospect, I should have asked xh to leave earlier. I'm not convinced that things world have been any worse for DS if I had done that.

I've never read anything that said that couples should stay together, whatever, for the good of the kids.

IMHO kids suffer worse if the split is during teenage years. I can see that with my kids and from what happened to me also as a teenager.

DC are 5 & nearly 2.
P & I split over Xmas break.

DC have had some upset but exP is seeing them twice a week. I think they needed to know he hadn't disappeared, and get used to the new 'normal'. Which they have really quickly.

DD1's teacher has commented that she has been much more settled this term (post split). Also her constant "sore tummy" has barely been mentioned since the split. I wouldn't describe home life (in front of DC esp) as being particularly toxic, but clearly it affected them negatively.

The most important thing, I found, was I needed to reassure them I wasn't going anywhere. They were a little clingy (esp little one) until they realised I wasn't going to disappear, and also they saw exP was going to be in their lives just on a different basis.

ExP is now making big efforts in his contact with them.

All in, for the DC it's not been as big a trauma as I thought it would be. They have dealt with it very well.

From what I´ve read (waded through!) it seems a huge detrimental factor can be the sudden absence of one parent when custody or contact is very unequal. The poor DC´s then have to mourn the loss of a parent- that just sounds horrendous!
Anyone out there who now regrets splitting up because of the detrimental effects on their DC´s?

No, but i regret my parents doing it to me! I was just about to do my GCSEs and choose A Levels etc but they just weren't interest. I made some very bad decisions while my parents started shagging and partying rebuilding their lives I didn't care about their relationship issues and their subsequent rediscovering of themselves as individuals came at a very high price to my brother and me. 24 years on my mother regrets divorcing terrible and it was her who initiated it.

Have a read of this report [[https://www.education.gov.uk/publications/eOrderingDownload/DCSF-RR113.pdf Impact of Family Breakdown on
Children?s Well-Being Evidence Review]] which should make you feel better. It's making me feel better anyway - very small difference in outcome from intact / non-intact families - other factors showing as far more significant, such as maternal mental health and financial stability.

Lol, see it's already been linked to!

I seperated 10 years ago and our kids seem OK. We both have well paid jobs though and both pay for the kids, still share decisions on them and try and parent the kids rather than let them play us off against each other. We discuss access arrangements between us and stick to them. Neither of us moved away as we still prioritise our relationship with the kids.
The kids would probably say they'd rather we had stayed together but they haven't been brought up in a world where we lived together and were unhappy.
Also neither of their parents have gone on to have more kids with a subsequent partner, although they do have (older) stepsiblings.
I think that is an area where separated parents have to be careful as kids can feel that they are the unwanted kids from a failed relationship not the shiny new babies from a happy relationship if you don't ensure that the older kids get equal attention money and love to any younger children. Also the step parent role is very difficult and nothing like being a real parent.

You'e right rebecca it's my father's new family that is the biggest point of conflict.

OP, here is one of the articles I had saved from when I was researching it that I mentioned yesterday: parenting247.org/article.cfm?ContentID=646

There is a lot of research out there (this article is a summary in layman's terms of some of the meta-analysis) and it does vary. Something to bear in mind is that older research tends to give worse outcomes than newer research. I've read various suggestions for why that might be, but it follows that as attitudes to divorce are changing so people are coping better with it and practices are changing etc.

My XH and I are very amicable and DC was never exposed to any fighting or any inappropriate adult discussions and emotions etc and that is so very important. I found a book called 'Putting Children First' very useful, although it was all mostly commonsense stuff that it sounds like you would be doing anyway from the way you write. The authors have a website too with a lot of the information from the book online.