Parents on the brink of separating and they do blame me!

[Lulu1984]

I feel like a kid again not a woman in my (late)20s! I've posted about probs I've had with my parents, especially my mother since I had DD and got married. Things are getting no better and we have had to withdraw slightly as it was bringing me and DH down and getting very stressful.

I still work with my mum so see her several times a week but haven't done much else with her socially apart from big family gatherings. Yesterday she told me that her and my dad are getting to the point where they are going to seperate and its all because she lies awake crying and is so upset as she doesn't have a proper relationship with me. It seems she is using this to guilt me/ emotionally blackmail me into doing things with her.

I have had numerous talks with her about the way she has made us feel since we got married and how nasty she has been to us but she doesn't see it at all. Both DH and I feel if she acknowledged in some way that she hurt us we could move on and have a relationship but she blames anyone and anything but her and my dad. Even saying I had PND which if you ask DH, friends etc they would say is absolute rubbish.

I really think she has MH problems which need to be addressed and refuse to indulge her as the more with give the more she expects and would blow up at if we had to say no to something. We have tried doing what she wants several times over the last 3 years and each time, the first time we can't make something it causes huge rows etc and we can't keep going through that.

My dad has been doing anything to keep my mum happy over the last few years, building a conservatory, redecorating, agreeing to getting a dog which he has never wanted. He just indulges her and thinks I should do the same even though he's been telling me for about a year that hes had enough and wants to separate. Well now he seems to have finally told my mum and she completley blames me, and dh who she thinks controls me??? Am I to blame or is she just using another form of emotional blackmail to make me feel shit.

I really can't stand this situation and the only solution I can see is if I cut contact with my mum but I don't really want to do that, I just can't stand what she has become. I am so terrified of messing my DD up as she grows up, since I've had her I can see that my parents never shown any emotion towards me when I was young and I just did what they expected of me to keep them happy. Now I have a life and family of my own it feels like I'm being punished.

Sorry its long and rambling

Your parents need to deal with their own problems themselves. I think you should cut contact at least for a while. I don't understand how she can say she 'doesn't have a relationship with you' when you see each other several times a week. What does she actually want from you that would make it a 'proper relationship'?

Thats exactly what DH says. snazzynewyear She has these weird expectations of what family life should be like and thinks even if we don't get on we should pretend.

Whenever she talks to me about this I start doubting myself and thinking am i being a bitch but I really don't think I am. She also sees DD 2 whole days a week. She wants me to invite her out to the beach, park etc every week and have a meal at hers every week etc.

I do think I need to cut contact and I'm getting to a point re work and childcare where that should be possible.

It's not you, it's her.

Really. It's her.

I don't know what to suggest but she is trying to blackmail you into....being and doing all that she says.

Thank you, its so nice to have my feelings validated.

The rest of my family don't see it and seem to side with mum, if I do cut contact I think I will lose everyone. DH's family are lovely and i'm so grateful for that, just so hard to have everyone turned against me

Lulu, I absolutely agree with everyone else that their problems with their relationship are not your fault.

But, can I also suggest that if you were to find a different job, which didn't involve working with your mother, the dynamic of the relationship with your mother may also change (hopefully for the better!).

She sounds rather confused. It's not you.

Some day - soon, by the sounds of it - the rest of your family will see her for what she is as she'll turn on them when she's left by you and your DF.

She is punishing you for having a life and family away from her.

Please don't fall into her guilt trips.

Even if you have to cut most contact.

I just have some exams to finish over the next few months and then I can hopefuly get a new job.

I'm not sure the relationship will change for the better though as I wouldnt be seeing her as much if I'm working elsewhere. I'd try and see them at weekends but DD has activities, parties etc so prob wont be anywhere near what she wants.

I think shes panicing now as DD will be at preschool 3 days from after easter so will only be with mum 1 day a week instead of 2 and she can see she'll see less of her when shes at school. If DD wasn't about and we were in this situation with her she would have cut me out by now.

do the rest of the family seeher so regularly, at weekends etc.,? why dothey think yo should?

I have one DB who lives about 300 miles away so they only see him up to 10 times a year here or where he lives. I think he sees it but lives far enough away that he doesn't want to get involved and gets on with them for an easy life and because he doesn't see them as much. DSIL has had issues with them and def gets where we're coming from. They have had similar fall outs with my parents though according to my mum that was all DB and DSIL and nothint to do with them???

My nan sees my mum several times a week, she sees my aunt usually every week, they all have a meal out every friday (same place every week... we dont go as too late for DD and we can't afford to etc and wouldn't want to go same place every time). My mums side of the family are close and do a lot together even if i do doubt they all get on, its like its all a pretence of happy families. My dads side of the family our a different culture where the grandma (which she is now) is respected and treated in high regard so feels we should indulge her, but I've just lost all respect for her these last few years.

This is a pattern of behaviour that your Mum is used to - like you say yourself, she spends a lot of time and has regular meals with her sister and mum and now expects you to neatly fall in with this too.
Cutting contact altogether sounds quite draconian, but only you can judge how much this is getting to you - but would you want to cut contact between your DD and her Granny too?
I wouldn't try and reason or explain yourself though, you will go round in circles and I doubt she will ever see your point of view.
Why not decided between you and your DH the level of contact and involvement you want and stick to that - don't get drawn into complicated explanations about why you don't want to do stuff with her, just say no/you're busy/seeing other friends/going away/etc.

I sympathise as I have a tricky relationship with my Dad and it's not easy to manage a difficult parent when they are good at making you feel that you're somehow at fault.

Before we had DD we did see them more as it was easier to and we had more money, so this prob hasn't helped it what they expect from us.

I don't really want to cut all contact, I still love them and care about them, I think I do need to get a new job so I don't work with her and then try and see her a few times a month with DD.

I'm not sure on the relationship with Mum and DD, I really don't know how good it is for her. I don't want her being made to feel like I have been and shes already trying to use DD to her advantage. DH doesn't want her to see DD on her own for this reason though she does at the moment.

We had basically agreeed to just attend all major family events as we could cope if other people were about. She's basically now saying that she wants to see me more socially or not at all, eg she doesn't want me to work with her. I'm basically being given an ultimatum

That is a really weird ultimatum to set your own daughter - does she really mean it do you think? That if you don't agree to see her more, she will cut you off.

Sounds like when you can get a new job you'll be able to decide much more easily what level of social contact you and DH and DD want to have with them.

It doesn't have to be what she expects or what she's chosen to do with her Mum !

Going to all major family events and seeing them maybe a couple of times a month sounds about right to me

Lulu,

I remember you from your posts before.

I am sorry though not altogether surprised that relations have yet declined further between your mother and you.

Did you read Toxic Parents?. I think you are right to consider cutting contact as soon as you are able.

You really do need to break away from your mother as you well realise. When do you sit the exams?.

Would seriously think twice about exposing such a damaged person like your mother to your DD: such a toxic parent more often than not makes for being a toxic grandparent as well.

Your Dad is a bystander who has acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life; I would not let him off the hook as he has failed completely to protect you from your mother's outbursts. Small wonder as well that your brother has moved completely away from them, am not a bit surprised that he has done this.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they?re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents? (and society?s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate firsthand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children?s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different ? instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.
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If your parents were not good parents and you are considering whether or not to allow a relationship with your children, consider the following factors, as well as others, before deciding:
?Have they fully addressed their issues in SKILLED long-term therapy? (A few weeks or months is nowhere near adequate if your parents regularly mistreated you).
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?Have they been treated for all the root causes of their dysfunction or abuse?
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?Have they sincerely apologized and made amends for the hurtful things they did? Not just said, ?I?m sorry?, but really talked it all through with you over many hours? time?
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?Are they very different people to you from the ones you remember?
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?Do you currently have a healthy, functional and stable relationship with them?
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?Do they respect your choices and boundaries as a parent? Do they follow your requests about how you want your children to be treated and to behave?
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?Would you recommend your parents to your best friend as babysitters without any hesitation or worry, and feel comfortable giving your word that they?d never harm your friend?s child, without any doubt?
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?Have you worked through all of your feelings about the mistreatment you experienced through your parents?

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These are just a few of the important questions to answer. The best plan is to work through the matter with a therapist of your own, who has no bias toward trying to ?keep families together? despite the presence of mistreatment.
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If you are or become ?no contact? with your parents, it is important to keep in mind that if they are too toxic for you, they are FAR too toxic for your vulnerable and defenseless children.

She's basically now saying that she wants to see me more socially or not at all, eg she doesn't want me to work with her.

Call her bluff.

Do you work for her?
Otherwise, who is she to tell you where you can work?
Or to tell you how and when to see each other?

You may well love and care about them but clearly they do not think the same about you. Loving and emotionally stable parents do not act like your parents do, particularly your mother.

You'[ve been trained to fall into line by her. You did what was expected of you when you were young to kepe them happy but you are and never have been responsible for their happiness.

It is not your fault your mother is like this; her own family iunit unleashed that lot of damage upon her as a child. One generation i.e you has been profoundly affected; toxic crap like you're experiencing can too easily go down the generations.

P.S I bet her own mother treated your mother poorly as a child too.

She sounds insecure and controlling. Why does she imagine that blackmailing you is going to want you to see even more of her? It is bizarre.

As for saying her relationship with her DH is anything to do with you when you don't even live with them- words fail me.

She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her own happiness.

My suggestion would be to try- new job ASAP, reduce contact and avoid all this emotional drama talk, don't get drawn in. Then see if things have improved after 4 months.

She has given you this weird ultimatum as she suspects that when you pass the exams you will get anohter job.

She wants to feel in control, so has issued an ultimatum so that if you get another job she can say "I told Lulu to go" rather than "Lulu decided to leave of her own accord".

This is because she cannot bear anyone to have a life or make decisions independently of her - she has to percieve herself as the one in charge, at the centre of it all.

She wants to see your daughter as a way of getting to you.

She is also frightened that your DD going to nursery will affect her power base - you won't need her or need to work for her - so she is trying to make out that she is the one making hte decisions OR terrify/guilt you into falling in line with what she wants.

I agree that really you do need to cut all contact and I can't see how your DD would benefit from having a relationship with such dreadful, manipulative, selfish people.

My grandmother was toxic, it was horrible, she was horrible. I still hate her and she's been dead 20 years, when my brother and I talk about her (rare) we both shudder at the same time - even now.

Don't put your daughter through that.

I bet your mohter never ever changes - she is not normal.

I don't know if she's bluffing or is so in denial she can't see how bad things are.

Hi Attila I remember you from my previous posts and you had some very god advice. I have a report and about 4 exams to pass, have failed a few (prob due to stress of all this!) I have a plan to take the last one in June.

I know my dad isn't innocent in all this, he's not mentionned as much as my mum is the one initiating all of it and I've got to the point with him that he would rather avoid being alone in the same room as me so will go out if that situation arises.

My parents don;t see they've done anything wrong and think its all me and DH being sensitive. Let alone aologise. I have tried to get my mum to go to counselling but again she thinks theres nothing wrong her side so refuses.

I do work for my mum so would have to find a job elsewhere which is why things are complicated. I do feel she likes the control over me, eg job as she also mentioned they were going to buy us a house ( that they chose in the area they want) that we could rent from them til we could afford it to get out our flat. She mentions this to say we were going to do this but you've been a bitch so we wont. It doesnt bother me as its completly unpractical idea and we'd never take them up on it, its just so petty how shes punishing me for not being a good daughter and would reward me if I was???

The strange thing is I didn't notice any of this before we had DD and got married and we used to get on a lot better. My nan (her mum) is the nicest person ever and def hasn't treated her in this way, she goes out of her way to keep everyone happy.

Miggsie I think you're right that this is all coming up now as she can see I won't be as reliant on her in a few months time but I don' understand why shes going about things in this way. She can't see that all these talks, threats and emotional blackmailing is pushing me further away rather than making me closer to her.

She can't see that all these talks, threats and emotional blackmailing is pushing me further away rather than making me closer to her.

That was my ex.
He didn't see it, sadly.

It is all about control.

Lulu, I think you have to acccept that now that you have finally seen the light, you are never going to be able to go back to how things were. Nor should you. You have your own life to live.

Your mother is fighting with everything in her power to bring you to heel......threats, accusations, promises, blackmail. There is only one thing that you should be fighting for, and thats your marriage. She has upped her game since you married, and had your child, you have said. Im afraid, if you let her continue, she is going to come between you and your H. Stand up to her. Dont let her win. She sounds the sort of woman who is never going to be happy with her life, no matter what anyone does. Cut contact to the bone, and get a job away from her, at the first opportunity. You have done all you can, as a daughter. Its now all about being a wife and mum.