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Original poster

Interesting counselling conclusion

108 replies

Mosman · 27/02/2013 02:12

DH has seen a male counsellor twice now and the general conclusion seems to be that i have made all the major decisions in our marriage and at times rail roaded him into doing things he hasn't wanted. Getting a dog is one example, i wanted it he didnt.
Bottom line is though if i didn't kick his arse with various things we'd spend every weekend sat watching him play grand tarismo whatever so yes i have forced him to be a family man it certainly doesn't come naturally to him.

So are they saying this is my fault he's had these affairs ? It's escapism DH has said that all along.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 27/02/2013 02:16

I'm just keen to avoid making the same mistakes again, I can be bossy but i suspect in this relationship i've been so fucking unhappy for so long i've been creating diversions, babies, dogs, house moves to avoid facing the fact that DH and i lived like flat mates at times - too many times - we are friends but he's not affectionate enough or attentive, doesn't initate sex or persue me at all, not a romantic bone in his body.

OP posts:
Gigondas · 27/02/2013 02:20

I couldn't read and run mosman. I don't know your history but sole counselling is always going to be about dh and what he says so will reinforce or work on whatever he thinks.

It isn't the same dynamic as couples counselling so unless dh is truly honest (and from your brief description I am not getting the impression of somewhere with a lot of emotional intelligence and self awareness) he is unlikely to see why you behave or his part in it.

Do you actually still want to be with him ?

tallwivglasses · 27/02/2013 02:22

Your two posts just look like a list to me - of reasons why you should throw the towel in. I'm sorry.

So he had affairs because you weren't going to be a doormat? Well, naughty you!

Original poster
Mosman · 27/02/2013 06:59

I feel like i've invested a hell of a lot in this marriage and I need to valid my choices in my own mind to end it.
I 99.9% sure it has ended and was killed dead the day I found out about the affairs but I guess I just need some re enforcement, something solid to hold on to when my resolve waivers.
He is convinced we are going on a 2nd honeymoon in June Confused

OP posts:
izzyizin · 27/02/2013 07:03

How does a 2nd honeymoon square with him not having ""a romantic bone in his body"?

Or would it be another diversion you've organised and 'rail-roaded' him into going?

AnyFucker · 27/02/2013 07:12

If this was individual counselling for him, you just have your husband's word for the conclusions made then ?

MajesticWhine · 27/02/2013 07:16

Just because it happened that way and he felt railroaded doesn't make it your fault. It is a part of the background to the affairs, and could be part of the explanation but it's still his responsibility. He chose to cheat and lie rather than address the patterns in your relationship, or find
a way to assert his own needs. Finding the root causes of affairs can help you to understand and forgive (if you want to) but you are still allowed to be angry.

kalidanger · 27/02/2013 07:17

Are you having counselling?

mummytime · 27/02/2013 07:23

LTB

Sorry but of course he's using his counselling to re-enforce his world view. Are you getting your own counselling?

To be frank it sounds as if your marriage has been dead and buried for a while, even before the affairs. Of course you can make decisions. In my family there are lots of things I have done/we have bought etc. which I wouldn't have without DH. The same would be true for him, but these thing enrich our lives and help us both try new things.

None of this would be a reason for either of us to have an affair.

scaevola · 27/02/2013 07:26

Well, he's now seen you did the heavy lifting, and therefore tended to get your way. He has now realised that he doesn't like this.

Any chance the next realisation will be that the way to fix it is to be a genuine participant?

Walkacrossthesand · 27/02/2013 07:46

Gosh, this is taking me back. 20 years ago I encouraged my then H to seek help for his depression, GP referred for counselling, which H used to spill out the feelings he was developing for OW - I was oblivious, he had never breathed a word to me that he was unhappy with our relationship, and I was PG with our 3rd child. By all accounts the counsellor validated his feelings and told him to follow his heart...which he did, leaving me for OW. If counsellor asked him to reflect on his lack of communication with me, he certainly didn't hear that. I felt invisible in the whole process - there are 2 people in any relationship but the counselling didn't (from exHs account) look at his part in how he got to be where he was, at all. There were similarities in what you describe, too - a man who was lazy about organising stuff, but felt bossed about when I arranged things...Funnily enough his DP has him completely under her thumb! Sorry about rant - don't have any words of wisdom, but are you considering couple counselling too?

Lueji · 27/02/2013 08:04

Have you spoken to his counsellor?
He's a liar (affairs!!!).

There may be some truth in that you need to control.
Why haven't you left him if he has has affairS?

You do have to let go at some point.

AgathaF · 27/02/2013 08:13

I agree with scaevola. He could have been a real 'partner' to you during those years you were making a family life all on your own while he played on his games. He didn't. His choice. Did he expect you all to sit and watch him?

As others have said, his counsellor has just validated his excuses for having his affair. Encouraged him to play a blame game, rather than explore his weaknesses that led to the affair and attempt to resolve them.

You sound a sure as you can be that your relationship is over.That is sad, but if he is not going to take responsibility for his actions/affair, then there really is no way for you to move forward apart from separately.

Twattergy · 27/02/2013 08:29

Firstly counselling isn't about instant conclusions, it should be a long term process and in two sessions proper counselling won't have even started let alone reached the real issues. Secondly I don't think it helps to discuss what happens in sessions with someone in counselling, you'll never get the real picture and puts an expectation that they should report back to you. Thirdly, you should leave him and let him use the counselling to work through the reasons why the relationship failed. He sounds awful and you deserve better.

justaboutchilledout · 27/02/2013 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twattergy · 27/02/2013 08:41

Also what many counsellors will do to start with is simply reflect back what their client says to them as a way of getting the client to hear their own views.this is done non judgementally and add a way for the client to cover the ground they want to.then down the line, should counselling continue the counsellor will start to draw the clients attention to themes,e.g. 'you seem to feel that the decisions you make are always the result of someone elses fault, not your own choices...' It takes a long time for a client to discover the often faulty ways in which they deal with the world. Patience is needed.sadly all too often this isn't understood by the client or they realise they don't want to face their truth and opt out.
Someone suggested you talk to the counsellor, but they won't tell you anything about the sessions at it is confidential.

Moanranger · 27/02/2013 08:46

Passivity in a partner is so difficult. The dynamic one moves things forward, very often in a positive way, the inert one is resentful. It is exhausting for the active party. In line with his overall behaviour he won't make a move to leave & you as ever will be forced to do it. To me, the affairs are a deal breaker & doubtless his passive-aggressive way of making you act. Ignore what he says about counselling, end the relationship.

Original poster
Mosman · 27/02/2013 10:09

We've just emigrated and I had an idea about the affairs, I knew, just knew he'd fucked somebody but he's admitted it very recently.
The last affair was October 2011

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 27/02/2013 10:10

I spoke to the counsellor about success rates because frankly I'm funding this so i wanted to know if there was any bloody point.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 27/02/2013 10:34

He's been sleeping around, but his counsellor says it's all your fault? He had no choice in the matter? Well that's convenient, isn't it?

I think you're the poster who's recently moved to Australia with the MIL in tow - is that right? If so, you've put up with enough before all this! Is this why he was so desperate to move? Can you come back home again, or are you stuck now?

Original poster
Mosman · 27/02/2013 10:39

I am so stuck, the MIL is actually quite disgusted with him, we've become closer lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 27/02/2013 10:39

Actually it's better I am 12000 miles away from his slapper, I'd be in police custody now if I were at home lol

OP posts:
Lueji · 27/02/2013 11:01

Are you funding his counselling?
Or living in Oz?

Are you trying to keep it together for MIL and the children?

Why is he having counselling?
His idea or yours?

Original poster
Mosman · 27/02/2013 11:08

HIs idea, yes i've paid but then he'll cover all the bills when he gets paid

OP posts:
Lueji · 27/02/2013 11:27

Is he doing anything else to gain your trust, other than counselling, and then using it to blame you?