Are there any good books about changing your habits in regards to who you choose as a partner?

[sneezingwakesthebaby]

I've had four serious(ish) relationships in my life. Number 1 cheated on me several times, number 2 was a manipulator (think fake letters from doctors saying he had an STD to make me go and get tested and stuff like that), number 3 cheated and hit me and number 4 was emotionally/mentally abusive to the point of me starting to think dd would be better off without me.

I'm working on resolving my issues and rebuilding myself back up after number 4 and I won't be even thinking of trying to meet someone for a very long time. I was wondering though, are there any good books or websites I could read about changing my tendency to pick partners who treat me badly? I do feel they spot me as an easy target due to various issues I am working on but I worry that even if I make myself less of a target I will still be sucked in by a nasty person due to my inability to spot subtle (or huge) red flags.

I highly recommend Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. If you're anything like me, you'll see yourself all over the book in a relatively quick time. I warn you it does cut close to home and can be hard going, I cried through several chapters as it was so bang on, but it will help you get your head in order for a decent relationship.

Also try 'Single and Loving It' can't remember authors name but if you type it in Amazon it'll come up. It'll give you a dose of positivity about who you are without a man so you'll be less likely to pick up rubbish next time.

Good luck!

Hi sneezingwakesthebaby it does by the way :)

Sorry about your past relationships. I don't know oF any books BUT I juSt didn't want to read and run. Although I do think counseling would greatly help ie if you have time for it. Getting your self esteem and confidence back is absolutely important. I'm undergoing group counseling for 'Pattern Changes' to avoid abusive relationships in the future and most importantly to NOT fall for my abusers manipulative actions of sorry after events of serious DV which I have on several occasions

Will lurk on your thread to get some more advice too. I hope someone will come along with great advice.

Men with abusive tendencies absolutely pick up on things you unconsciously do and say that signal that you have a vulnerability or a weakness that they can manipulate. Read the Robin Norwood book and you'll see that right from the first few sentances of conversation such men are able to pick up on signals you are sending that you can be manipulated or have low self esteem.

It also shows that some of us get into these bad relationships because we are trying - again unconsciously - to 'fix' something that has gone wrong in our own upbringing and sometimes we stay in bad relationships because although we hate it, we get a payoff - only we're not aware that this is what we're doing.

She also describes the real difference between lust or passionate love and true love is. Its very good.

Thanks everyone :) that book sounds really interesting! I will definitely give it a read. shades sorry to hear about about the DV. Are you finding the counselling is helping you to recognise the manipulation? I think thts one of the things I've struggled with. I think some of the red flags things I've read on here have helped me a little though luckily. Exp (number 4) has tried a few manipulative things on me recently and if I hadnt been reading stuff on here, I might have let my guard down again. Yay for mumsnet

Was also going to recommend the Robin Norwood book.

If you have not already considered it I would also look at and enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this may be of help to you.

This website is also really good: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

She runs some online courses too, here: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/courses which might be useful. There's one coming up on self-esteem and another on pattern breaking. Might be just the thing.

Living With The Dominator is also very good.

OP, I have an unwanted copy of Living With The Dominator and the accompanying workbook for those who can't attend the Freedom program in person, and I'm very happy to post them to you if you would like. They aren't very heavy. Just PM me if you want them.

Also second Women Who Love Too Much, it's a good starting point.

or you can do the freedom programme online for free here and they send you the books in the post at the end

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

Thank you for all those links! I'm going to have a good look at them when dd is in bed :D Thank you onemorego, going to try and figure out how to pm you now!

was just going to recommend the freedom programme, but see someone has beaten me to it...

Thanks anyway Nettletea