Won't have children

[BoDiddleySquat]

I am a man of 37 who has been in a relationship with a woman of 42 for approximately four months but we have known each other for almost three years. She has a nine year-old daughter who I love and get on with exceptionally well. My partner has been clear from the start that she does not want any more children and probably cannot due to previous complications and until very recently I was fine with this. However, when we had unprotected sex and she took the morning after pill, she deliberated over taking it but eventually did so (?eventually? meaning after a day or so but still within 72 hours) and I became upset as I realised that I want a child with this woman. I have never felt the need to have children before and I don?t want children for the sake of it either; I specifically want a child with this woman. I?m not really clear what I?m asking here or indeed if I?m asking anything. The advice would be clear: I cannot have children with this woman so either decide to stay with her with the knowledge that we won?t have children or end the relationship and find a different relationship with the possibility of having a child. Since this is a no-brainer and I only want to be with this woman, I guess what I?m asking is is there any way that I can gain acceptance that I will not have my own child? ?Get over it? certainly has a ring of truth to it but if there are any other kinder and helpful words of wisdom to gain acceptance, I?d be grateful.

She may not be able to have more children at her age anyway and the risks of an abnormal pregnancy are also greater. Maybe she would be open to adoption though?

I think you need to talk to each other properly first. Four months into a relationship is not long, even if you were friends before for 3 years. A relationship puts a different slant on it altogether.

It is possible that she is (due to the complications that you mention) telling herself that another child is not possible and therefore reinforcing her fears by being so adamant that she doesnt want a child. If you have never really discussed it, it could also be that she thinks that is what YOU want to hear.

As a man, you are in the lucky position of not having a time limit on your fertility, and she will be very much aware of that too.

I dont have kids of my own. I left it too late. I am 43 now and if it happened it would be a miracle I think. It certainly wont happen without medical assitance and I am not prepared to put myself through that. I have 3 stepchildren though, and 2 (step) grandchildren. I do have days when I regret not having kids, or doing more to help it, but then I also remind myself that it is not the be all and end all, that I have my freedom to live the life I want.

This resonates with me a little, I am the other way round though.

I have met someone with whom I have fallen so quickly in love that I would dearly love to give him a child, but he has none and does not want any. We have only been seeing each other 10 months or so.

His actions and opinions seemed contrary to his preference for a long time so I spent some time confused. I was probably just romanticising. An incident a short while ago finally confirmed to me he definately didn't want children, but just recently he/we seem lax in the contraception area again .
ie prepared to continue without it, just using natural withdrawal.

We are both 44 and although I know pregnancy can happen at this age despite landslide fertility, the likelihood is stacked against us in reality, isn't it? ... I have two young children already.
I'm not even that convinced I actually want a last baby, my pram obsession dictates to me I do (I have a 1950s carriage pram that needs more outings!), but the sleeplessness again doesn't appeal at all, my finances can't really cope with two let alone three children (I have been a lone parent since they were both born, their father took no interest or acceptance really), and if I analyse hard enough, I think I know that the reason is because I love him so much, I cannot think of a greater gift or way of showing that love than by creating another human with him.

Ultimately, I have to accept that he is more important to me than more children. And he is.

I already have children and am grateful for them.

But I sense a 'leaving to Fate' aspect in your situation.

Thank you all. Whilst I think that adoption is a very worthwhile thing to do, it is not something I would consider as my partner has a daughter and I am very involved (or as involved as I can be given that we don't live together) in her life, education, etc.
Mimishimi - you're right, the risks are not insignificant.
Squeakytoy - you're right too; four months is not long but we do have a very close relationship which has ben strengthened by supporting each other through a significant bereavement. This relationship - already - is mutually supportive and positive in a way that previous relationships haven't been, even in their formative stage. I don;t think that she is saying what she thinks I want to hear though - we are very honest with each other. And I don't feel in a lucky position in terms of fertility as I haven't wanted children in any previous relationships, so my fertility is not really the issue; the issue is regarding my partner's ability and desire to want any more children. I don't think procreation is the be-all and end-all.
Snowme - I think you've probably answered your own dilemma as I've answered mine. Sorry, I did write more and then the bloody computer crashed. I too have to accept that my partner is more important than the desire to have a child with her.

I am 44 and the mere thought of having more DC is enough to cause a panic attack.
My time for that is over.

Oi all your age doubters out there! Look at the Fabulous 40 thread & you'll see that plenty of women are getting pg in their 40s. I've just turned 44 and pg naturally - don't presume it will be difficult. x

My OH has a 9yr old child, he's 42. We have wobbled on the fence for a while re having children together. He's not as keen as I am to add a baby to the mix. I'm beginning to see the benefits of this, financially, freedom-wise, and we both really want to foster older children anyway. So our house will always be noisy and child-filled.. They just won't be our birth children. Which doesn't matter as the children we do take in will be loved and secure and given the chance to experience family life with us, something that is precious in its own right.