confused about feelings for dh

[thepixiefrog]

Hi, long time lurker, newish poster in need of objective opinions.

Is it normal to have crushes on/fantasise about other men yet have little interest in sleeping with your own dh? I'm thinking not.

Bit of background...
Been with dh 10 years, married 7. 2 DC, 5 and 2. We've always had a sporadic sex life, sometimes nothing for up to 4 months, then twice a week for a few months. This is down to me and my interest or lack of.

Dh used to get upset and feel rejected when we weren't having sex, and I did care very much about his feelings, and felt huge guilt about it. I have intimacy issues due to abusive childhood, and sometimes I need to maintain very high barriers, especially if I feel vulnerable or depressed. Dh is very caring and considerate, although the issue has caused much hurt and upset in the past.

Last year I experienced flash backs as repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse resurfaced. It was a very dark time and I could not abide any sexual activity/thoughts at all. Slowly my sexuality is returning but not any desire for dh.

I'm worried that I have fallen out of love with him, as I am definitely interested in sex and fantasise about sex most days, just not with him.

I am also aware that maybe I can't face a real physical sexual encounter yet, and these fantasies are a 'safe' expression of my libido.

I'm so confused. I have been thinking about what it would be like if we split up and how it would work practically. I just don't know how I feel.

I don't think you've fallen out of love with him necessarily, I think the trauma you have suffered in the past, and over the past year will have a profound effect on your libido.

How supportive was he when your memories resurfaced?

Have you undergone any counselling for what you've been through?

I have been having therapy for about 18 months and it's really helpful.

Dh was incredibly supportive, and very patient. There was a time a few years ago when he was really unhappy about the lack of intimacy, and the more he talked about it the more I felt the need to push him away. We worked through that and he doesn't see our lack of sex as a personal rejection anymore. When the memories came back he realised there was a reason behind everything, whereas before he couldn't understand why I didn't want intimacy.

However, I just feel like I don't fancy him anymore (he is attractive BTW, and does loads of childcare and housework!) Yet my libido is on the up after a long absence, and I spend a lot of time fantasising about other men.

Anyone have experience of reigniting desire for their own after having nine for a while?

Anyone?

I think that the fact that you have been together for 10 years in spite of the (the, not yours) problems is testament to your strength as a couple and shouldn't be overlooked or undervalued. As long as your fella understands fully what's going on then that should give you the time and space for your own processing to happen.

They always say the truth sets you free, never more so when it's a burdensome truth and you can both bear it together.

Never stop talking to him about it, there is no worse situation in a couple than when one is trying to guess what the other is feeling.

pixiefrog, I can relate, I'm also having a dip in desire for hubby, wondering about my relationship too, and our pattern is similar to yours in terms of frequency.

I don't have the same history as you but I do think it's natural when you're in a long term relationship to fancy / fantasise about other men - we're only human!

The fact that he knows you and you trust him is worth so much. My kids are the same age as yours and I think it's very easy to get wrapped up in the boringess of domesticity that you forget the man and woman you were before kids and become less sexual as a result.

The thought of other men might be a great fantasy, but the reality is much more complicated as you're married and to do anything about it would mean deceit, lies, and hurt. It might scratch an itch temporarily but you need to think about you, your husband and kids and what it would do to you all if you did anything about it.

Is there anything you can do to spend some time just with him to get to know him and get you fancying him again?

I think sometimes you know someone so well, especially deeply, that frisson goes - if anyone does have any hints and tips on reigniting it, I'd be interested, too!

Thank you for your replies.

Ninja- you make a of of sense and I think I've been focussing on what is 'wrong' rather than what is 'right' in the relationship.

I have always been open about my issues, and he always does his best to try to understand.

I think I need to be more patient and for giving of myself considering the circumstances.

I'll make more of an effort to focus on our positives, but if anyone has any tips on how to reignite desire please post!

Do you think it is possible you have lost desire for your dh because you feel a duty to desire him? If you feel you HAVE to desire him because you are married to him, your past might cause you to feel forced to give yourself to him, causing you resentment. Also, his past behaviour, causing hurt and upset, is likely to be still there in your head. Do you feel on some level he doesn't deserve you? I could understand if you did!
You say he is attractive, so you can see that objectively, and you did used to desire him. I think talking to him kindly about how you feel could help you get through this.

Yep. It should never be a duty. Been married 3 times and never seen that on the certificate

I prefer the time honoured, hmm, DDs in bed early, now what could we do for 8-12 minutes ? Approach.

8-12 minutes?! Who says romance is dead

Yes,alittle, I think I do feel that I have a duty to desire him and that I am failing in that duty. I know I shouldn't, but I can't shake the feeling that I am failing as a wife, and I resent the pressure (from him and the self-imposed pressure) to desire my dh and have frequent sex.

My step dad would complain to me as a teenager about the lack of a physical relationship with my DM (I know, very fucked up!), and with dh getting upset and frustrated in the past it feels like the world expects me to fulfil a role.

As to the 8-12 minutes, I'd prefer to spend that time mnetting!

Your stepdad had no right to complain, especially not to you! That's awful. Can't imagine why your mum didn't want to sleep with him . No one has the right to have sex with their partner. It is deeply upsetting though if your partner doesn't want to have sex and you don't know why, it needs talking through.

'sometimes I need to maintain very high barriers' - this is a problem in itself. I'm guessing you are working on this in counselling. I often feel the same, but it doesn't help my relationship with dh if I don't let him in. I am learning to trust him more. My dh knows now that sometimes I need a massive long hug for no apparent reason! It's taken a while for him to accept that and just do it for me, but that has helped me feel more loved and less resentful.

Not ever having sex when you don't want it is a good rule to follow. This combined with lots of hugs and intimacy between you and dh.

I talk about everything with dh, the barriers are physical, not emotional. I need dh to keep a distance physically, so if he tries to hug me and I'm not expecting it my immediate reaction is to tense up and freeze, or push him away. I feel pestered if he tries to hug me or kiss me, it has to be on my terms for me to feel comfortable. it must be horrid for him, and I do care, but don't know how to change it.

It really isn't an issue of not letting him in, there are no secrets apart from the fact that I actually do have a libido it isn't him that ignites it.

Ok, so you want to change this. How often do you initiate a hug with him? Can you try to do that more often? Whenever you feel a bit warm towards dh, if he's done something nice for you or the kids for example, you could touch him, the more you do it the more natural it will feel.
I understand the freezing up. It's not fair that it is the victims of abuse who have to sort themselves out. The obvious thing is to recognise that your dh is safe and isn't going to hurt you, but that is complicated by his past behaviour. Can you trust him?

I try and do several affectionate things every day, even if it's a struggle, such as hugs and compliments.

We tell each other 'I love you' lots of times a day.

I don't know if I trust him, I do as much as I can trust anyone. I know he is safe, but I don't feel it IYSWIM.