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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me! I'm being a right cow

31 replies

Jux · 26/02/2013 15:36

SIL came to live with us in October for 2 weeks Hmm. She is driving me potty.

I have been doing a degree with the OU and it's hard work - I have to concentrate and work pretty hard. I don't really have anywhere I can get all my stuff out except the kitchen table, but it is obvious when I am working, when I am in the middle of it, when I am concentrating. It's really not hard to tell.

SIL walks in and talks at me. She doesn't wait for me to get to the end of a thought, a word, a sentence, a sum, she just starts. None of it is important, it could all wait, but it's like she thinks I am empty until she comes along to fill me up with her inconsequential babble.

There's no preliminary, nothing. It's as if she thinks she is the only person in the world who has any sort of inner life and she must give me things to think about or something.

I am at the end of my tether. I have tried talking to dh about it, he has said to her that I'm studying and she shouldn't disturb me, but it has no effect.

She's been staying with friends for the last week and it's been bliss! She came back yesterday and it all started up again. I am so far behind on my course now and I just don't know what to do. DH doesn't want me to say anything to her in case she starts drinking again (she's an alcoholic), but I have to put a stop to it or that'll be my degree down the drain (I only have a fixed time in which to do it in, can't afford to do this course again both because of time and because of money!).

The truth is I just want to tell her to f* off the next time she does it, which will be later to day unless I can hide away from her, but it'll happen tomorrow for sure.

Talk me down. Please. Or give me something cutting but less obviously rude to say. I know I'm being a cow.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 26/02/2013 15:41

Is there some reason she has to live with you? If yes, all I can suggest is going to the library to work, or if that's not an option, locking yourself in a room (it would be a bit unusual to complete a degree locked in the bathroom, but I don't expect you'd be the first!)

oldwomaninashoe · 26/02/2013 15:46

Is there anywhere else in the house you could go? have you a garden or picnic table you could set up in another room? or perhaps even borrow one from a friend.
Can you sit there with a large pair of earphones on and ignore her?

Sugarice · 26/02/2013 15:48

How come she is still with you if you thought it was only for 2 weeks back in October?

Snorbs · 26/02/2013 15:51

You can't live your life in terror of her drinking if you say anything contentious. If she decides she's going to drink then she will do so for her own reasons.

Organise times when you need to study and tell her you are not to be disturbed. That's not an unreasonable request.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/02/2013 15:53

I don't understand why you can't just tell her you are busy and need her to leave you alone to concentrate?
You don't have to be nasty about it.
Just 'Please could you leave me to get on with my studying. I have a limited amount of time and I HAVE to concentrate so do not have time to talk to you right now. If you could leave me to it, that would be great!'
If she continues then just ignore her and block it out.
It's your home - you shouldn't have to go to the library. If I was to go to the library it would take an hour out of my study time driving back and forth!
Seriously - just tell her!

MannishBoy · 26/02/2013 15:57

Can't you just say something to her, instead of saying it to DH? Just say, "sorry I'm busy right now, I can talk to you when I'm finished".

Phineyj · 26/02/2013 17:40

I don't think someone who thinks it's okay to move in with people for months having been invited for two weeks is going to take a hint, however assertive OP is, somehow! I have got colleagues like this and the only solutions are headphones or physically to remove yourself.

kalidanger · 26/02/2013 17:44

OP Did you want a rant or advice? Wink

Kione · 26/02/2013 18:45

You could set a time for studying and tell her you'll be able for a chat from that time on. Or go to a library.

Kione · 26/02/2013 18:46

Oh, and you are not a cow AT ALL

madamemax · 26/02/2013 18:50

When will her caravan be ready? Smile

wordyBird · 26/02/2013 19:25

Oh Jux, that's grim! How have you kept your temper?! you can't possibly study with interruptions like that.

Yes, the rules have all changed at OU, which just puts extra pressure on the students.
So please don't let it go down the drain: your degree is for you, and SIL's drink problems are 100% her responsibility. You must not sacrifice your achievements out of a sense of loyalty or kindness.

Fair's fair: you're providing accommodation, that should suffice.

So... what happens if you tell her: I cannot talk to you, I must study. I will be available at X time. Probably nothing, I imagine...

Can DH arrange to entertain her. Or can he arrange for her to live elsewhere?

If all else fails you may end up holed up in your bedroom with the door locked! But you shouldn't have to do this in your own home.

You aren't being a cow at all, btw, just your usual kind self. If I could, I'd come and be a real cow, on your behalf! Wink

chocoreturns · 26/02/2013 20:18

Jux please, please do not listen to your DH concerns that you'll set off her drinking... if she is going to drink, she will drink. If she isn't, she won't. Alcoholism isn't triggered by being asked not to interrupt someone, though it may upset her to hear that. Honestly I think you would do her a favour by saying what is and isn't ok in your home - you can say it kindly.

If you want to make your point gently but very clearly, I would suggest approaching her at another time in the day (when you aren't working and likely to be narked off by an interruption) and explain to her that you really like her company (Wink) so could you arrange to meet up for coffee at some point in the week for a proper catch up? Then explain (emphatically) that you aren't going to be able to enjoy your little chats in the kitchen in the evenings any more as things are now so much more pressured with your degree work that you'll have to just ignore her, your DH, the cat, the queen etc if she interrupts. Then stick to your word, put on headphones and steadfastly ignore her when she tries to strike up a chat later on, or pointedly remind her that your date for coffee is going to be so much more fun when you have managed to stop worrying about your deadline.

Jux · 26/02/2013 22:48

Sorry to have taken so long to get back on; have been hiding in my room today, and the iPad has been having problems getting on to MN. Thank you all. I will try to answer everything. If I miss anything, and you really want to know, please post again.

What happens when I tell her I'm studying? She tiptoes around the kitchen very loudly, going "sssh, sssh, yes sorry, you're studying" tapping her finger to her lips. If she does that once more I will probably actually kill her!

It is really hard to study elsewhere. I need proper back support so can't just sit on my bed, and can't write on my lap, balance everything blah blah blah, though I've had a pretty good try in my room today. Trouble is there's a lot of documentation: the texts, the Exercise books, the handbook, notepaper, Tutorial notes, calculator, geometry set, pens, pencil, rubber etc. I don't move too well seated at a table due to MS so with that lot spread around on the bed (with cats, cup of tea, iPad) it's a nightmare. And why should I have to hide in my tiny dark bedroom when I should be able to sit at a large table in my bright, filled-with-light kitchen. Well, yes, I know why.

Things have been said to her kindly and she has not once taken them seriously, or acted upon them. She is the only person in her universe who matters, I think. I just wish she'd just go up one floor and talk to dh, he is her brother after all, and he's just reading a book most of the time.

Snorbs, I know I mustn't let the fear of her drinking again stop me from doing normal things, and tbh I can honestly say that if she wants to drink then let her. It's just that if she starts as a result of something I've said to her, then DH will blame me......

I have decided that I will no longer pull my punches, but tell her how rude it is to behave how she does (it's not just the studying, it's a load of other things too). I just can't be bothered with her any more (why am I cooking for her every day? She has a perfectly good kitchen upstairs - my mum cooked for herself for years up there. SIL barely manages to take her plate from the table to the dishwasher).

Someone asked me why she's still here. Because she's a thoroughly chaotic idiot who has (dis)organised her life in such a way that her bloody trailer still isn't ready. But as my brother has just been made redundant and finishes work at the end of next month, will not be able to continue to pay the rent on his flat and will need a place to live, all of which is no fault of his own, and as he has been giving me money for years every month so we could continue to afford to live in this house and for various other reasons, he will be moving in and SIL has been told (by DH) that she has to be gone before he needs the place.

Yes, I needed a rant, but I wanted advice too! Grin

OP posts:
manticlimactic · 26/02/2013 23:06

So your SIL will be moving out and your brother in? Are you a Saint? Shock

piprabbit · 26/02/2013 23:11

Could you put a "No Entry" sign on the kitchen door while you are working?
Or make a timetable of your working hours and declare the kitchen out of bounds at those times.
I'd even consider putting a wee bolt on your side of the kitchen door to make wandering in impossible.

whethergirl · 26/02/2013 23:16

Put your headphones on and ignore her. If you can't actually work to music, then just pretend. To make it authentic, at one point you could look up and say "oh sorry did you say something?" give her a quick answer and stick your headphones back in.

My mum does this btw, tis very annoying. My mum doesn't live with me but comes twice a week to help with ds, and sometimes comes early before picking ds up from school. She'll just walk into the room while I'm obviously studying and start going on about her hair or something. When I give her a quick reply without looking up, she'll get a chair and sit very close by, staring at me until I turn round and talk to her!

Jux · 26/02/2013 23:54

I am indeed a Saint, and you should all bow down before me and send me cake.

Piprabbit, I would happily do that but dh is around and he needs tea and biscuits and bacon sandwiches. He doesn't try to talk to me when I have my books out, so I let him wander about playing with the kettle and the grill.

My headphones don't stop noise coming in, but dh's do. I may borrow them, though they're very uncomfortable. I think I can cope with that though and feel embarrassed I didn't think of it myself.

Thank you all!

OP posts:
chocoreturns · 27/02/2013 08:28

I would actually do the bolt thing and just get your DH to knock quietly and say 'it's me'. But then I figure if subtle and kind elicits someone behaving like your SIL (she says shhh? seriously? I'd want to punch her!!) then be blunt. Very, very blunt!!

Grin there's little or no mileage in being a saint when you get walked all over as a result, I should blardy know!!

Jux · 27/02/2013 10:55

Yes, Choco.

Utter, complete bluntness is the way to go. I used to be like that. I wonder where it went

OP posts:
Jux · 27/02/2013 12:45

Now I know I'm a right cow. DH has driven her to hospital this morning, as she has an enormous boil on her bum, can't sit down and is in lots of pain. Is this Catholic Guilt? i need to be more charitable towards her.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 27/02/2013 13:01

The correct response to a boil on the bum (providing it is not life threatening) is to nod sympathetically while sniggering inside.

piprabbit · 27/02/2013 13:09

Or sound the klaxon and post a photo on your profile Grin.

Jux · 27/02/2013 14:02

Um, I don't think I want to get close enough to take a pic, pip! But I do like your thinking Grin

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2013 15:18

Oh Jux,

Welcome to life with an alcoholic and the ensuing chaos living with the alcoholic brings. It was never going to be any different. You and your DH are as caught up in her alcoholism as she is; alcoholism is truly a family disease.

Am I really surprised that she is still there living upstairs in the attic room drinking and sponging off you guys - no, not a bit of it. Will she ever move into this trailer?. Where's yours and DHs tipping point here?. You and DH have to raise your boundaries here sharpish!!.

It is not your fault SIL is a chaotic idiot.

Your DH needs to put his misguided enabling to one side and let his sister go before she drags you all any further down. She has and she will continue to do so.

Your SIL won't go without a fight; I can see why your brother is going to stay with you but even that may not be without issue subsequently. How long is he going to stay for?. Your home is really not your own now is it?.

Presumably she was driven to hospital this morning because she still has not registered for a GP.