What do you talk to your DM about?

[ForwardPlannin]

I'm going to ask MN to delete this when I've got some advice as it may be easy to identify me; if you suss me please keep quiet but I thought the past was relevant...

I'm an only child to a largely single mother. I had a very unconventional childhood which lead to me moving schools/areas every six months or so until I was ten. I found it difficult to make friends and was bullied sometimes. I often missed school and was around a lot of drugs, alcohol, and quite er, interesting people. I was a pretty happy child though and felt safe.

We then settled in an area and I made friends. Mother sometimes went out to clubs at the weekends leaving me at home and when I was fifteen, moved in her new boyfriend. He wasn't mean to me but it changed my home life significantly - chain smoking and loud (bad!) music indoors, they got rid of my pets, would have large groups of people round that I didn't know after clubs, and no food I liked was available. She didn't really restrict what I did so by this time I was fairly self-sufficient. I moved 500 miles away at 16 after my GCSEs. DM would send me the child support money, and I got a job and went to college. On reflection I wasn't safe at all - went out a lot to bars and nightclubs, drank a lot, did some stupid things. But I saved enough to go travelling alone in Asia before I was 18 and I got a place at a good uni. I've been very depressed in the past (family history of it) but on the whole I am happy with how my life has turned out now.

Anyway, that's the back story. DM had a very tough year last year so I have booked us a holiday in March for ten days. She is a fairly heavy drinker - though cutting down - and when she drinks she can't bear any kind of sleight on her parenting (even imagined) and reacts very angrily. This means I can't really discuss anything from before I was 20 or so, which is hard. I am worried that something will go wrong and ruin the holiday. What do you talk to your DM about, if not your childhood? She disapproves of my DP and dislikes her job so those topics are also off the menu.

Talk about the present and what you are doing I guess. I had a charmed childhood but we never really mention it just chat about ...stuff! The hols , weather, food ... Not sure really (sorry) but if you cannot let go of the past maybe 10 days away is not the best idea. But you sound like a lively DD and have fun!

She will have to make the effort to talk to you, not just you to her. Usually trying to talk to someone in this way comes across badly and leaves you open to feeling a bit awkward.

I would take lots of good books and be friendly and happy and respond to her conversation leads.

It's only ever a problem when alcohol is involved, but there's a free bar! I quite like talking about stuff from the past because I enjoyed the vast majority of it, but I think it makes her uneasy. We talk often and get on well but I'd like to have a few 'safe' topics to steer back to in case anything starts to go wrong...

Books are a good idea.

I imagine she will respond if you speak positively about that period of your life, along the lines of 'wasn't it brilliant when you used to take us to x and do y'. But it sounds like you're looking for closure she can't give you, because she's unwilling to accept any wrongdoing.

10 days! Are you sharing a room?

Books, current affairs, celeb stuff, and yes, take her lead on conversations. Go on tours, explore the area, moan about fellow travellers, swim, take up scuba, so you are coming and going with lots of new material to discuss.

Dinner - avoid booze if you can, if she wants to drink feign a delicate institution/ medicine and go to bed. If you are sharing a room this may be uncomfortable.

You don't have to drink, plus make friends with any holidaying people you think would be a good diversion and she can spend the evening with after you have gone to bed to update your thread on mn:)

I once read a short story by Saki, where a woman gave exceptionally successful house parties by always employing someone for them to dislike. Perhaps you could invite someone to join you and behave appallingly - your bond will be nourished by your shared disapproval...(joke)

In all honesty, I think very few of us could stand ten days with our mother, even those of us who had uncomplicated childhoods.

Is there a box set you could take, do you think you could get her hooked on Mad Men, or something? Or Michel Apted's 7UP series, lovely old footage, give her a chance to talk about what life what like for her, back in the day. Fascinating anyway.

Good luck

Yes, sharing a room...

Mutual dislike is fantastic idea! I'll have to keep an eye out for people to dislike! I'm going to ensure we both bring cameras so we can geek around with them. There's no TV in the room so box sets are out.

Thanks!

My mum likes to talk at length about her hobbies and friends which is okay but I like it best when I can tip her into revery about scandalous behaviour from years gone by. Usually by people called Dougie and Jean. It's always best if we stay away from our family issues. But no problem to talk about that party in 1978 when xxxxxx asked Aunty Val if he could photograph her naked... I think its similar to finding a common enemy - its a bit of distraction.

Scrabble is brilliant - or maybe think of a few card games she might like.

I understand no tv in room, but is there no laptop you can use for DVDs?

You need something to allow conversation to cease.

Extended family - what your cousins are doing now, etc - is a well-trodden topic of conversation in families. I do hope your DM is going to accord you the same respect, and not bad-mouth your DP - if she tries, will you feel able to ban it as a topic of conversation?

She is a fairly heavy drinker - though cutting down - and when she drinks she can't bear any kind of sleight on her parenting (even imagined) and reacts very angrily. [...] She disapproves of my DP

And you have accepted to go on holiday with her why, exactly?

Drunken narcissist who won't take responsibility for her own actions or hear you out respectfully, and is open about her dislike of your chosen partner. Why go along with her plans or do anything to please her? What does she bring you?

I recommend you take a look at the Stately Homes thread.