New Relationships - Different priorities?

[dippymother]

Just wondered what opinions were regarding a relationship between two people whereby one partner has children and was married for a long time and the other has never been married and has no children.

One partner has no concept of not being able to spend money on himself/herself and spends it on self-indulgent whims plus likes to go out and/or have weekends away at a moment's notice and has spent years paying other people to do "boring chores". The other partner has always watched money carefully, needs to prioritise what the children need etc and has to arrange a lifestyle around the children's social life too and has never had "hired" help at home.

However, they love each other very much, get on really well, have a similar SOH and have many joint interests as well as being great friends and lovers.

Can it work?

If the never-married, child free staff-employing one cant get their head around the other one's experience at all, and won't try and brushes off the differences and doesnt want to change or meet in the middle... then maybe not.

No concept of spending money on others/sharing a family budget isn't great either...

Absolutely it can work! Same situation ... 2 years in ...

Depends.

Mismatched viewpoints on money is one of the leading causes of relationship breakdown. Step children can also be the root of many arguments in relationships, particularly in cases where the step parent has never been a parent.

The lack of children/responsibility in the past is not a problem in itself. The problem will be if he/she is unwilling to recognise that for someone who does have those responsibilities there are obviously different priorities.

Have you discussed these?

We are both trying very hard to understand each other's way of thinking. We want it to work and for the most part, it does. It's just adjusting things here and there to find what's acceptable to both of us.

My children love him dearly (but then they see him as another teen!). DP does recognise that I have different priorities, but sometimes I find myself getting exasperated over the latest "boys toy" he needs!! He doesn't earn pots of money either but he hasn't had to split it with "the family" before and would prefer to spend it enjoying himself/ourselves rather than save up etc. Nothing wrong with that tbh, just something to get my head around.

Ate you thinking of living together? Would you have a joint account? Would you use the money for the family and he'd buy stuff for himself?

Very difficult, as Dahlen says, different attitudes to how money is spent is a huge factor in relationship breakups.

Are you living together or just boyfriend/grilfriend. If just BF/GF then I am sure it can work quite well, completely different if you intend to live together .

We have been living together for a few months. Financially everything is fine - he doesn't spend money he hasn't got and he's generous with us. At the moment we don't have joint accounts though so not a major issue, (dare I say, yet!).

Soooo dippy, why the thread? Thinking about the future? Whether its OK now but might not be? Doubts creeping in? A small neat red flag about anything?

Just wanted to sound out if anyone else had a similar scenario and how they deal with it. I think living together has been wonderful except it has highlighted our very different experiences of family/finances. No red flags, just seeking an answer as to how best to move forward positively. Apologies if you don't think I should have bothered with opening a thread.

Oh god sorry - didn't mean to imply you shouldn't start a thread! Just wondering if it was more than musings and if anything had happened to make you worry. Soz

My recent experience was with a cocklodger so my ears pricked

No worries, don't want to waste anyone's time with trivial matters, just something that I have been thinking about lately.

DP loves cars and is toying with buying yet another one. The present car was only bought six months ago (not new!) and DP has spent lots on spare parts (replacement tyres, spare headlamp, spare engine cover etc), all gathering dust in my garage and most likely will be "forgotten" in the excitement of looking and looking for the next "ideal" vehicle! Not to mention the countless books, cds, dvds that he buys at charity shops and then never reads/listens to!

Sorry to hear of your recent cocklodger experience, I had a similar experience 9 months after my DH died. I was very vulnerable at that time and I bitterly regret meeting this complete and utter twat! Still, I suppose you learn and move onwards and upwards.