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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving H - how did you do it?

10 replies

catkin14 · 26/02/2013 11:08

Following on from my post a week or so ago about leaving my emotional manipulative H, I am trying to work out how to actually do it.

I know i need to have somewhere ready to go to which i am doing atm but part of me feels so bad about just telling him and going and yet I know if i dont do it pretty quick he will try to manipulate both me and our DS, who is a teenager.

Please, if you have been in this situation and left OH how did you do it? I seem to have come up against a brick wall in my head and cant see how to get out!

Thanks all.

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 26/02/2013 11:42

Leave first. State that it's over later. Manipulators are not the right kind of people to have a mature "it's over" converstation with.

Just put him in front of the fait accompli, and have any contact channelled through a third party if at all possible. it will save your sanity in those crucial first days.

skaboy · 26/02/2013 12:33

I'm not a manipulator but can give a dad's perspective. Be honest and be decisive-ie don't draw things out any longer than needed. If you're sure now you have to put the wheels in motion

Shybairns · 26/02/2013 12:55

Do you own the house jointly?

Is there no way you can ask him to move out? Does he have any where to go?

Tell him its over and you want him to move out for a while. For the sake of your DS, you shouldn't have to move out.

And be strong and keep conversation/accusations to a minimum.

Original poster

catkin14 · 26/02/2013 13:48

Thanks all.

I want to leave, we moved away from our home area last year and I want to go back and so does DS as all his friends and school are there. We currently have a long journey each day just to get to school.

For ease it would be easier to just go and leave a note type thing but i wonder what sort of message does that give to my DS? He can see how his father is and they dont get on very well because H criticises him so much but at the end of the day he loves his father.

To the dad that gave his view, thank you. I am trying to be as kind as i can but I am dealing with a man who only wants the answer to a question that he wants to hear, so honesty is not always easy.

Thanks again

OP posts:

foofooyeah · 26/02/2013 23:07

Although I really do see the attraction in just going and leaving a note I dont really think its the right thing to do.

Is there someone / where you and DS could stay for a couple of weeks ? maybe suggest a trial separation ??

LittleEdie · 26/02/2013 23:12

"I think we need to separate".

theoldtrout01876 · 27/02/2013 01:01

As he was screaming in my face one morning ( about 8 am ish) about how he was going to take the kids and have me thrown out country I looked at him right between eyes and said My lawyer said you cant do that
Boy did the shit hit the fan then
By noon ex mil had been informed
By 3 ish the kids had been informed
2 weeks later I had found him an apartment and he moved out
Then the FUN really began ( arsehole )

snowshapes · 27/02/2013 06:27

I have not read your original thread, but if you point me in the right direction, I will. I split with my H just over a month ago, he is also controlling and manipulative (still feels odd to acknowledge that).

I told him I needed space, I was unhappy and we needed to separate. An hour long conversation followed. I reiterated it at several points over the next month, that we were over. It has been hard, he doesn't get it and I feel bad, because when we talk, it all gets twisted, so keep explanations to a minimum. Maybe he gets it now, we will see.

It is good that your DS is old enough to understand.

akaWisey · 27/02/2013 19:26

"this isn't working for me any more. My feelings have changed"

Job done.

Original poster

catkin14 · 27/02/2013 23:05

Thanks, I have been thinking a lot today, and as tempting is the leaving a note option is, it just doesnt sit well with me. We have been married 26 years..

I think i need to grow a pair and face him, to try to remain an adult because Im sure he wont! He is soo clever with words that anything and everything i say will be turned round so it is all my fault and it will be me destroying everything, but last week he told our DS there is no point in arguing with him as he can never win, he (H) is always right. So if all i do is state my case and then walk I will have achieved something!
It doesnt help that he has totally stuck his head in the sand and is refusing to address what is happening to us but just comes out with a constant line of criticisms. But hey there is light at the end of the tunnel now!

OP posts:

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