End of the marriage - how to move on??

[pinkypig]

Hello,

My marriage is over. Found out yesterday Husband having affair with other woman for over a year. Invented a double life with her and with me and our 4 young kids (6, 4, 2 and 10 months).
I feel bereaved. We were together 9 years married for 8. I know I need to move on. I need some strong words and stories of how you coped. He has behaved appallingly but I still feel love. Tell me when it will turn to hate, indifference etc.
We were stuggling for a while but this was driven by him and his apathy with the marriage/the grind of daily life and desire for more excitement.

We discussed our problems a year ago and even went to counselling. I have tried to give him more of me for the past year. To find out all that time I was trying he was with another woman, lying to me etc is devastating.

I hate the feeling that he is probably relieved, yet I am just beginning my process.

How did you cope/tactics/suggestions. I know nothing about divorce, legal settlements (we have no money and rent our property). But going forward how to ensure proper maintenance and access etc.

Thanks

Firstly, use the search function to find posts by olgaga which contain a wealth of information about sources of practical help with the actual admin of a split.

Secondly, recognise that the immediate aftermath of discovery is a crisis and you are in something akin to shock. Try not to make the big decisions right now - use the time to do your research, discover your options, work out e finances etc. Have you asked him to leave, and has he gone?

There is no timetable for the slew of emotion that comes with this sort of crisis. The day to day needs of your DC will keep you going - but do remember to eat and sleep. Have you a good friend to can confide in?

Hi Pinky,
Just wanted to give you some sisterly solidarity. You poor, poor thing...no one deserves to be treated like this. Absolutely outrageous deceit, what a total wanker. I am angry for you.

Allow yourself to be sad, but know that soon you will find your lioness. How dare he treat you like this? How fucking dare he?

Do find someone to tell in RL. Get on the phone, get a friend round and sob your heart out. Then, get practical. Find a local solicitor who specialises in Family stuff - find two or three - and ring them to find out if they offer the first half hour consultation for free. Make an appointment. Knowledge is power. You will get an understanding of where you stand. You will cope. You are stronger than you think.

There are a few constant MN-type rules for you - I'm sure others will attest, even if you don't feel you can manage it all...

Get RL support. Tell supportive family and friends. Ask for help with the children if you need time out for solicitor appt etc. Circle the wagons.

Maintain dignity in front of him - don't beg etc. Try to appear strong and tough even if you don't feel it - it's a battle won.

Think about whether you even have to see him. Face-to-face contact with him might be too painful and leave you feeling like a jelly. Phone, text email. Or get a friend round to be with you when you see him.

And kick him out if you haven't already.

Big MN sisterhood hug for you.

Poppy

The stages of grief and moving on will happen in your own time, but they will happen, and you will get there.

And you will look back on your marriage and be glad that you are now free.

He is a sorry excuse of a man. Dont worry about not being angry right now. You will be very very angry soon. You're in shock. Your poor dcs. I agree with everyone.

Olgaga has very useful links

Keep posting. Mn's will be holding your hand. Here is a and hugs from me.

pinky you poor lady, you must feel devastated. I know llovely ladies will be along later to offer advice and support. In the meantime a big hug from me. Men seem to be such selfish assholes. Mine has left after 21 years but no one else involved, so can begin to know how difficult for you also with such young kids. Hope you have people RL that you can lean on.

Thanks for your posts. I just wish I could fast-forward the next few months.
My parents live in 6 hours drive away which is a real bind but I have RL friends here who I am talking too and they are very supportive.
Yes I have told him to leave and he has, tho has no-where to go and is currently out surfing the net for rooms to rent. Doesn't help that we have literally no money with him being out of work since last August.

Double lives don't come cheap - how on earth does he afford that!?
Well done for getting support from friends. Take one day - or even each five minutes - at a time and don't take any whingeing from him!

He couldn't afford it. He owes OW and my parents a lot of money.
He is now facing reality, very tearful and emotional and apologetic. I have said I need to separate (ie he lives permanently apart, currently dossing in lodgings) and that way we can both have space and eventually work out our feelings. He says he wants a future together but I don't right now. Unless he changes from the man he has been during the affair. I still dream of growing old together but with the man he was when we married 9 years ago, not the cheating lying grump he has been this past 18 months.

Anyone with advice to share? Thanks