am i doing the right - help please

[imacowbaggetmeoutofhere]

I've named changed for this. Regular poster. Will post in relationships too

Basically I have been with my dp for five years now and we have a ds aged 2. I'm terribly unhappy. And have been for about two years now.

Having a child has changed my and my dp relationship so much. I suffered with pnd and just thought strains on relationship and the way I felt was normal after having a baby.

But two years on, its about time I at least admitted to myself I am done. He's a lovely guy, wouldn't hurt a soul and his heart is in the right place, but there's just no love there anymore.

I care for him deeply, and love him like a close friend but it goes no further.

I just keep going a around in circles with this. I stay with him for the sake of my son. I can't bear the thought of him growing up with seperated parents. But every so often the misery and unhappiness it causes me bubbles to the surface.

I feel a time has come when I can stand up and be strong and tell him how I feel and that its best we seperate. But, neither of us have anywhere we could go. I am a sahm and no money of my own. I completely depend on him financially. I feel so trapped. He works fulltime but doesn't have enough money to leave. Leave and go where?? How do.people just leave situations like this??

So is it wrong of me, to stay, and put my feelings aside, suck it up and get on with it

Do you have a tenancy or mortgage agreement in joint names or is one of you named sole tenant/owner?

The apparent change in your feelings is not uncommon after giving birth, particularly when pnd has been a factor.

How would you feel if he told you he'd met an ow who was the light of his life and he was leaving you to marry her?

Its a joint tenancy, private rented.

God that is a good question. And one that forces me to really think honestly...

Relived, glad hes' done the hard work of breaking the relationship. Happy he has found someone he deserves and can make him happy.

See, its not healthy is it

Anyone?

Firstly, I am sorry you feel this way, it must be awful. Are you sure that you are over your PND? It can go on for years. (Don't mean to patronise, but you may still be depressed?)

Secondly, if you are sure it is not the PND effecting your feelings then it would be kinder to him to let him find someone who would love him isn't it?

I do think though that you should try some sort of counselling (Relate?) first as as you say it's not just about you is it?

It might not be wrong for you to stay.

But it would be very wrong if you just put your feelings aside. This might not be time to separate, but it's a huge wake up call that the relationship needs to change. Have you spoken to your DP recently about how you feel? How does he feel about how things are between you? Are there any parts of your life where you do feel joyful?

Do you think it might be worth chatting to your GP and getting a thorough check up to make sure you are not still suffering from PND? If your H is a genuinely nice man who you are fond of, ie he's not abusive, selfish or lazy then it's probably a good idea to explore your own options before doing anything drastic like ending the marriage. Because you still have the option to do that later on, but if you tell him you want out and then it turns out that it was PND after all, then he's been hurt and worried to no purpose.

I do still suffer with depression yes. Am on medication for it. Have had it since I was a teen, def over the pnd as was completely off the rails back then. Ashamed of how I behaved whilst ill so am now very aware of myself, and follow gps advice about ad's as would not want to return to that state. Sometimes I do feel as though they mute my feelings and emotions though. So some days im too relaxed to care that im unhappy deep down in relationship, although it could just be that things between us are happier. Somedays I think about the future together, and the next I'll be thinking about the future seperatly.

I try talking to him but he is not the most attentive listener. I get frustrated as he is highly de-motivated and lacks a drive to do anything. I find myself organising everything, making all the decisions, sorting what direction we are all going in, keeping a check on everything. When I try to express this to him, he thinks I mean I want him to help with the washing up or something trivial, but its the lack of emotional support and how I feel I can't rely on him. He buries his head un the sand over everything, he has unpaid bills and things like that. All the worry of it all is pushed onto me and its not anything U can sort out alone. We had a conversation the other day, and I basically said if he didn't step up he'd have.to be.out. It wasn't an argument, an actual adult conversation, and I really though it had sunk home to him. Three days layer, NOTHING has changed. He is sat playing FIFA right now, rather getting out and sorting out our financial mess like he promised.

.

I can't offer much advice... but I am in a similar situation, also on antidepressants for my PMS, DP tried to change, and he actually did, but my feelings didnt his change is not enough. I made an appointment with GP for next week to ask for councelling. I have a job but it ends at the end if march so I could be in exact position as you soon...

Just feel like I have nowhere in RL to turn.

Do you have any family that you could stay with?

I know nothing about depression, but I'd get very angry with a partner that lacks drive so much that he forgets to pay bills and plays video games rather than helping care for me and my child. That looks like a good reason to lose respect and fall out of love with someone.

I do agree that you should visit your GP though.

Do you have any friends that you could talk to?

Oh right. OK, that paints rather a different picture and I think, in fact, that your state of mind would improve without this man. Because he's not that nice, really: he expects you to scurry around after him, taking on the domestic workload that he can't be bothered with. He's been sitting pretty and letting you take up the slack for years, and he thinks that if he just goes 'There there dear' from time to time, you will continue to look after him in terms of domestic service.

I do have a couple of good friends but im so.rubbish at saying hey, I have a problem, can we chat. I tend to be the shoulder to cry on.

My mum lives close by but she works.full time and has children at home to look after herself. I couldn't possibly burden her. And not only that but I couldn't take my ds away from his home. He has all his things here and his little bedroom. I'd hate to unsettle him.
My dad and his wife live miles away, I believe that if I asked to stay with them, they would be more than happy to, but id be taking ds so far from his dad, he'd go ages without seeing him. Id feel so guilty causing that heartache for them both.

we came close to splitting a year ago and my partner asked his mum if he could stay with her for a couple says so we could have a break, but she said no. He has no other family or any friends that could put him up until he found his own place (and he'd prob need me to sort him out!), so we are just trapped. Living a lie and no way out.

Thank you for all you lovely ladies replies. Its nice to get all this out somewhere and hopefully ot might spur me on to talk to someone in RL. I just feel like if I tell someone in Rl, it'll all become real. Iyswim!