Insecure & jealous - help!

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Hi,

I am embarrassed to be writing this but feel I need some rational advice.

I have always been a relatively jealous and insecure person in relationships since an ex cheated on me with a female 'friend' some years ago.

My now DH is generally trustworthy I think and hasn't given me reason to doubt him but does have female friends. I have always been OK with the ones in relationships (!) but those who are single have worried me in the past when they have seemed obviously flirtatious. He knows this and it drives him mad as he believes he has never done anything that should make me worry.

Current situation is we have a 14 month old DS who he adores and our relationship is OK. Not perfect (argue a bit) but pretty good, sex life OK just a bit infrequent at times but I think normal with young child. Not so much romance but a very strong friendship. Anyway pre Xmas I saw him writing messages to someone on Facebook, I was in the room and asked who it was, he said a work colleague. A few days later he was logged in on my laptop and i had a look at the messages. All were innocent enough and 'chatty' asking about a work thing (she has left the company) anyway I forgot about it as I have since seen his facebook and know there were no more messages.

Today I logged in to Linked in and he is logged in on my account. I should stress this is v unlike him as usually v private about passwords!! Anyway she has messaged him recently and it is starting to sound a bit flirty...using kisses etc (her side not his). I know I am prone to over-reacting and his response wasn't flirty (but he responding) and I feel threatened by it. I don't know why he wants to keep in touch with her...they didn't work together for long but have a mutual acquaintance. I know she is single and a few years younger. He has not (in messages) mentioned me or our son although there are plenty of pics on Facebook so she should know his situation.

The thing Is i know they work really closely together (both now in new jobs) and I am obsessing that he may meet up with her etc etc which I know is not a crime but seeing as this is how my ex started an affair am very scared.

Can someone tell me how to deal with my emotions without confronting him? I know there's nothing to confront him on just a 'sense' of feeling jealous and threatened and that makes me look like a fool but it really upsets me and makes me feel sick the thought of something that 'could' happen. I can speak to him about these feelings but he will think i'm spying on him (has been known) and I know it really irritates him that I have these issues as he is a very trustworthy person which I appreciate because I know it's and that I need to learn to trust but find it very difficult.

I just wish she'd get lost and stop messaging him!

Any advice...?

As no one has answered you I thought I would.

There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling this time as whilst it doesn't sound like much at the minute, this is often the way things can start especially if it is a woman doing the chasing. Men will
often be tempted even if happy a home.

However many won't and your Partner could well be one of those. Whilst kisses in themselves on a message don't always mean much either as i know loads of women who put kisses on the end of texts or emails and i am fairly certain none want to sleep with me! (unless I am so irresistible that 5/6 women all want me at the same time)

I would keep an eye on it for now but I can see that you need to work on your own insecurity and jealousy. There is nothing worse than being with someone who doesn't trust you and who snoops. If you are not careful you could push him away anyway and often the partner of a jealous ad possessive person will go on to cheat becuse they think "well he/she thinks I am anyway"

Worth keeping an eye on though.

Thank you. I am really afraid of pushing him away by being too insecure and not trusting him.

You're totally right too that loads of people use kisses I just think it was odd in this circumstance as previously there haven't been any and suddenly there are. I know they hasn't seen eachother (from the message content) but think perhaps the kisses were a bit of a 'test' for him to see if he reciprocated. I am obviously over analysing but can't seem to help it.

He has come home tonight and seems really happy/ pleased to see me and it puts my mind at rest but I will be keeping a close eye on it without any accusations etc. I just feel guilty that I has to 'snoop' because if I just trusted him completely id be able to let it go.

I think like you say I really worry about men 'being tempted' but if he heard me say that he'd be horrified. He is really big on the fact he's neer cheated on anyone and that if he (or anyone) ever wanted to they would and wouldn't necessarily need temptation.

Thank you for replying.