Ex has been teaching ds racist gestures

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Am furious and sickened and sad.
Ok so ds is only 2, and wont yet realise what hes doing but his dad(who isn't the nicest of people,obviously) has taught him to react to a certain footballers name by doing a monkey sign.
He gloated about this on dreaded Facebook and a friend sent me a screen shot. She did ring me first saying she had spotted it and she didn't want to meddle but thought I should know. I'm glad she did but I'm so sad.
How do I deal with this?
I had an appointment with solicitor today about ex harassing me to swap nights and she is actually writing to him about it. Appointment was at 12 so I'm considering ringing in the morning in the hope that letter hasn't been typed or sent yet and asking her to mention it.
There's not much more I can do is there?
I knew ex was a dick(that's an understatement) but I never thought he would push his ignorant views onto ds.
I'm heartbroken

I'm so sorry, what an absolute bastard. I'm not sure what you can do, hopefully someone who knows better than me will advise but it may be this is grounds for stopping/limiting access.

The worst thing about this, as you say, is,DS doesn't know and will just copy his Dad.

Can you pass the screenshot toyour solicitor and get her advice?

Tell the solicitor. Put it in the letter. He stops this kind of thing immediately or contact is supervised only.

Wow, what an absolute dick.

I wonder if the police should be involved, tbh. If your son did this at play group or school, he could go on the list of young people who use racist language/behaviour. Which would be awful.

That's so horrible. :(

Do what Spero said.

I'm going to speak to the nursery tomorrow and forewarn them.
Ill also ring solicitor and hope letter hasn't yet been sent, it normally takes them a day or two to transcribe and type so hopefully ill catch it.
If not ill ask her to write again.
This is the man who says he doesn't see ds enough, cancels or cuts short his contact regularly and doesn't pay any child support.
I thought I'd done a good job by getting away, I've had to learn to disengage since we split because ex just sees no wrong in what he does.
He is a stereotypical narcissist(is there such a thing?)
But this has crossed a line.
I'm so so sad, have just broke down in tears to my dad and he is shocked and saddened too.
He gives me grief constantly and although I now ignore him it's none stop.
Co parenting can fuck the fuck off!
Ex doesn't bath ds or brush his teeth and mostly puts him to bed in his clothes rather than change him into pyjamas I've sent. I've had to leant to cope with this, "different parenting styles" an all that bullocks but this is horrendous.
My ds will not grow up to be an ignorant selfish bigot and I will now work twice as hard to make sure of that

Good advice from Spero

Good that you have evidence though OP. Keep hold! Your ex is not only a nasty piece of work, he's obviously pretty thick too.

"Ex doesn't bath ds or brush his teeth and mostly puts him to bed in his clothes rather than change him into pyjamas I've sent."

That sounds neglectful to me. I would be putting that into the solicitor's letter, too. Poor you, I would be raging too.

Richard, my solicitor is aware of it.
She said I couldn't really have a go about it "as long as he is safe and his basic needs are met"
Ex buys ds fruit shoots and has said more than once that's he's drank 2 or 3 consecutively. I dispair but solicitor said it goes down to differing parenting skills. That my way is an ideal but he doesn't necessarily have to match up to that.
My health visitor is coming to do ds's 2 yr check next week and I'm planning on filling her in on everything, the emotional abuse, the lack of teeth brushing etc. I'm not sure she will be able to do anything but I feel I should inform her.
She was heavily involved when ds was young as he was a preemie and is lovely, very easy to talk to and non judgemental so ill see what she advises.

I wouldn't gloss over the teeth or lack of pyjamas either. If other things about paretnting are bad, these are not good signs - it is certainly teetering on brink of neglect. Might not be enough to stop contact, but it could put the brakes on overnight contact, at least until he can grow up.

And I mean ex, not your child. I hope this is more down to immaturity than being a potential criminal. He needs to watch that Facebook stuff.

I've realised since posting that he has form. He was cautioned as a teenager for racial harassment, at least I think that's what it was.
It hasn't occurred to me until About ten mins ago.
He was arrested in a takeaway for using racist language towards a worker there.
He has used Facebook to verbally abuse me, quite horrifically, but sadly a friend of mine reported it to Facebook without taking screenshot and before I could get copy as evidence as he deleted it the following day.
It haunts me that I've brought my darling boy into a world with this man.
I knew he wasn't the best person but parenthood definitely brought out the worst in him. Or rather the responsibility and as I changed and adapted to being a mum he just ran further from responsibility but blamed me.
If I listed even ten if his misdemeanours it proves a truly shocking read but as he was never particularly violent(he pushed and shoved on one occasion, I left him that week) it's very hard to prove how nasty he is iykwim?
I am absolutely dreading him getting the letter from my solicitor.
I just want him to be a good dad, a really good dad and for him to put ds first. I can do no more than I've done and its desperately sad that ds is 2 and will live between homes for the rest of his life

He sounds vile, but don't feel you're letting your ds down at all. You sound like a lovely, caring mum who is fighting to do her best.

O dear. He is a potential - or actual - criminal then. I would rethink this 'two homes' deal until there is more clarity about his criminal history and what if anything he is prepared to do to change. I certainly wouldn't be agreeing to overnight contact without making a big fuss. He doesn't sound like someone who should be left to look after an extremely vulnerable little child.

Ahh, really sorry to hear what you are going through.
You sound like you've got lots of regrets, and emotions running high. Your ex sounds thoroughly unpleasant!

I'd suggest you speak to an organisation that specialise in DV and abuse. There are charities who will support you such as women's aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

In addition there are women's legal rights organisations that provide free legal advice. Such as: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/
(sometimes good to get another legal point of view)

Dreading your ex getting a letter from your solicitor speaks volumes. Its easy to become emotional in the circumstances, but try and keep a record of everything that happens. It'll help you by writing things down as well.

You sound like you want the best for your DS and rightly so. Good luck with everything.

I wouldn't be surprised in the circumstances if OP had been intimidated by her ex into allowing this spero, he certainly sounds like a frightening and unpleasant man.

What sort of support do you have OP? Could you maybe arrange for someone to be with you when he receives the letter?

Just typed mammoth post and lost it.
Update is he is now saying ds won't be there to collect in morning.
Long story short- I asked if he needed me to collect earlier than agree time(as is the norm) and he said yes. I asked if he could bring ds to me. He said no. "To be a twat like you are to me every week"
So now I don't know where he will take ds(if its not an empty threat).
I do have excellent support from family, have faith in my solicitor but no faith that either will get him to stop.
He absolutely believes he is in the right. Absolutely believes its me that's preventing him having close bond with his son. I know this is narcissism at its best, I'm so much stronger than I was at not engaging, ignoring etc.
But it feels like this will never end, he will never change. Ever
I'm going to stop letter if its not already been sent and go to solicitor to get it all out.
I'm at the point of sorting mediation myself as I know his behaviour would be seen straight through.
I did originally agree to 2 nights through fear, or apprehension I suppose.
Now he has threatened to not hand ds over, or hinted at that. Just cls I asked him to drop him off to me rather than it being me to him. It's. 2 minute journey.
I can see why mums run away, I really really can. If my family weren't here I would have already done so I think

Oh and I do keep a record and all texts.
Solicitor has used them already to warn him that she's aware but now this.
Having me have a sleepless night about a handover involving a beautiful innocent 2 year old boy. He doesn't deserve this.
Can I skip to asking for court order before mediation?
Given that I have already changed set days to suit him and the harassment? It need stopping. I don't know how much longer I can cope with this level of anxiety

Sorry to hear this. As he is making such stupid threats I can't see mediation working. I hope you get your son back safe and sound. Then I would very seriously consider a regime of contact centre contact only or permitting contact only if another trusted adult is involved. He sounds absolutely awful and potentially abusive to your child.

Once again I am utterly amazed at how many women on MN seem to find themselves impregnated by such total arseholes, and only seem to notice or care that they are arseholes after they have decided to keep the baby, or after they have split up PG.

So was he a bastion of decency and political correctness up until the day you got PG then? Because if you care as much as you say you do about this sort of behaviour (the racist stuff) I am truly bewildered as to how you even got past three or four dates with this man, never mind having a child with him.

Yes. Fair enough. I apologise OP. I am having a bad week and I am lacking patience and empathy all over MN at the moment. I should just stay off these threads, to be honest. RL has never looked more appealing than it does right now.

Actually fellatio he was the epitomy of kindness and a true gent.
Yes, looking back there were red flags, and yes his behaviour worsened when ds came along, because he wAsnt centre of the earth anymore.

I ask myself daily how I am in this position, what was I thinking.
I loved him, I genuinely did. The kind person I met very slowly turned into a monster and I was in too deep. The emotional abuse had well and truly taken its toll.

Dreading handover this morning, that's is he is there at all

Well fellatio, if it helps you to understand I can tell you how desparate I was to be loved and have a family, how I overlooked warning signs until it was too late because I was stupid and how I regret every day making such a poor choice of father for my daughter?

I don't need you to put the boot in thanks, and nor does op.

If you have never made a bad decision in your life based on fear and loneliness or on hope, then whoopee doo for you.