Not sure how I feel - need advice

[fullycaffeine]

I've been married for 6 years this year (together for 7) and have 2 kids.

It's not necessarily always been an easy ride for me n DH, and we started and stopped several times before getting together. He's kind, loving, and safe, and we get on well.

But ever since I moved from city to country to be with him it's felt as though something was missing. Nothing major, and not necessarily with him, but just a fire in my belly, which I always had when living in the city. When I moved, I struggled, and it was the source of many rows as I readjusted. I made the best of it, found work doing something that was in my field that paid ok, but was fairly far removed from my previous life. We went on to have two beautiful children, and I adjusted to a more relaxed way of life, made some good friends and had a lovely first few years when the kids were tiny.

I now find myself feeling as though a part of me is missing. I'm not sure whether it's me having a midlife crisis, whether it's where we live, and the fact it's never really floated my boat, or whether our relationship is in trouble. It could also just be the life stage we're at and the fact that having two small children is very hard work, but I am questioning my whole life and where I'm at and feel incredibly unsettled.

I feel highly selfish for feeling this way, as on the surface, life should be great - 2 kids and a husband I am happy with, safe, warm, nice house, previous career coming back a little now, albeit in a toned down way.

I think I am in some kind of denial about the whole thing, but recently I also met someone who I have been working with, who has set me alight again. I haven't told anyone in RL I feel this way as I can't bear it! I am convincing myself it's just a crush, and nothing physical has happened. More of an 'oh my word' the first time I saw and met him, an unexpected long conversation on first contact, and a feeling of being in the 'right place' when we spend time together or talk (which is usually for work reasons).

I feel really confused about whether it's this other person who's unsettled me, whether my relationship with hubby is ok really, and this is just a passing crush, or whether my whole life is out of kilter. I am mindful of my children, as I want them to be happy and they love their dad so much. I do too, but I do wonder whether my life is missing something that I might find elsewhere if I were on my own.

Is this 7 year itch? Am I having a midlife crisis? What should I be thinking about when all this is going on in my head? I don't feel I can share it with anyone, as my friends would all say I was crazy to even consider leaving my lovely husband. And I'm not even sure that is what I'm thinking.

Has anyone else been through similar?

So often people mistake a crush or a connection with someone else as being a bad portent for a romantic relationship, but often its purpose is to tell us that something about other aspects of life need attention.

You've written about the shift you had to make from being a city dweller with a promising career to life in the country and career sacrifices. It is very common for mothers especially to feel that a change in area affects them far more than a father who is out at work elsewhere every day and that the career sacrifices have been one-sided. My sense is that you have a yearning, not for a different romantic relationship but for a different lifestyle and new challenges that make you feel more alive and purposeful.

I'd recommend you talk to your husband about how you're feeling and see if you can incorporate some new challenges in your life. This might mean him making the sacrifices this time if it involves you seeking a more absorbing career, or re-training. It might also involve being a bit more selfish about your life as a couple and leading less child-centred lives; building in scope to have a few nights away or evenings out as a couple. You might also want to discuss the possibility of moving and re-energising life that way.

Most people get their lifebuzz from far more than just their romantic relationships. Crushes are an easy, effortless way to reintroduce that spark in life, but they have the potential to cause the most misery and heartbreak if they are acted upon. Whereas getting a buzz from a career success requires hard work, but the high is all the sweeter for that. So look for sustainable and ethical 'highs' and not the quick fixes.

Charbon, thank you, and yes, I do have a yearning for something more than how life is at the moment - lifestyle is a big part of it. We moved a couple of years ago to a house that's eating our money. It's lovely, but I do often think we could live somewhere smaller, with less financial burden and have discussed moving. It might be that that would help invigorate our sense of fun and of life not just being a big pressure to earn money to stay in a house where it doesn't seem to be working.

When we've talked about it, we disagree on the best move to make - he wants to move to a bigger house on one of the estates here, I'd rather a smaller cottagey affair with less room somewhere with character, but again, it's not insurmountable and we do agree that we shouldn't rush the decision. We are talking things through, so the lines of communication are open, which I see as a good thing. He finds my low mood hard to deal with, which I can understand.

I just want and need something to change, and don't want to cause unnecessary misery. You're right, in that the crush is currently giving me that buzz, but it is also tearing my head apart, too as I work out what I want. All very selfish, but as you say, I feel as though I've sacrificed alot to get to here, and I'm not sure here is where I want and need to be despite loving my husband.

Keep on talking and listening, I guess.

Fullycaffeine, can I ask what age you are? I have had similar feelings to you (minus the crush/romantic bit) and these have happened around the last few years when I got married, bought a house and had a baby. I thought that was what had brought it on, but friends in very different circumstances, report similar feelings around the 35-40 age mark?

I understand your feelings and for me it was a challenge that I needed. I'm now doing another degree in order to change career and I feel alive again. A crush is the easiest eay to feel akive but it will probably bring untold misery. You need to put your energies into something more constructive.

One of the things you might want to do is to bring this crush out into the open with your husband. The secrecy about these things tends to fuel them and they become a delicious secret with a life of their own. Talking about it brings it into the light and sometimes has an air of ridiculousness to it which kills it stone dead. But to do this you need to have really honest communication and the ability to explain it as not meaning anything foreboding about your relationship, but as a signal that life needs a shake-up and new challenges.

When I mentioned the sacrifices you've had to make, there's a risk that these could get used as a justification to get involved elsewhere. If I had a pound for every time I've heard a good man or woman tell me that they've lived an exemplary life with many sacrifices made, and they saw their affair as a 'reward' for good behaviour, I'd be a rich person. Better to see this in the round and acknowledge the choices you made of your own free will at the time, but also how women's choices are never made in a vacuum. Society and workplaces are constructed to limit women - and especially mothers' - choices. It limits fathers' choices to be equal parents too, but in terms of intellectual challenge and earning opportunities, men fare better under this system.

Relationships that harm your marriage and family life are an artificial 'high' where the crash that follows is just as dramatic. It's equivalent to a drug where the comedown and flashbacks are horrendous, but where serious and irrepairable damage has been caused to the body. Whereas the slow-burning high of a new skill learnt, a job well done at work or a new house project is the type of 'fix' that slow releases feelgood factors that can sustain you for longer and promote only good feelings, not negative ones.

Mermaid, I'm 38 - hence why I'm wondering if this is a midlife crisis. My head certainly hurts from thinking about it all. I did retrain, and have set up a business which is going well - along with elements of my former life - another reason I'm wondering why I'd want to walk away from it all! Must be quick as I'm at home with hubby this eve, but thanks for letting me spout - feels better out than in!!